"I fell in love with the people in the front row"

Colliding Contradictions

I am not sure if there will ever be a time where saying goodbye to the people you love will be easy. I actually hope there won't. Not that I am a masochist, but that can define your love for someone. Among the top ten things that I cannot deal with very easily, saying goodbye is right up there with change and death. They are painful on their own levels of course, some being more, well, morbid than others, but none of them is a walk in the park. I would much rather just use "see you later" or "just for now". For all three of those topics. I think that gives me internal peace, even if it is somewhat of a lie. I say this because I had to say goodbye recently and then I watched P.S. I Love You, which is all about love and death. And I am such a sucker for morbid love stories. It gets me every time. And I am thinking about moving home which is obviously change. With that being said, please pardon my sappy like ways.

It is another beautiful and sunny day in Matsubase, Japan--the heat is starting to swelter, the bugs are coming back and we, being the teachers, are at school. And it is a Sunday. Parents day. At least we don't have school tomorrow to make up for it. It all makes sense in some sort of twisted way. But then again, that`s Japan for you. I am trying my very best not to cringe while being here, but after a two week vacation, I cannot help but wish I was back on the beach. Which is where I was one week ago today, and it was perfect. The waves were crashing, the sun was shining and I had my friends surrounding me. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. Except maybe more time. I could always use more time. Yet going with Japan's wonderful theme of contradictions, I am also gearing up to go home in more ways than one. I sent home winter clothes with Lauren and I watched my love for Japan crack a bit under the weight of something much stronger that has been hiding for a good while. The love for home. I haven't felt homesick in much too long and I was hoping it wouldn't come back this soon, but because I had my slice of home in Japan, it all came crashing down and I could no longer ignore it. Not to say I am completely ready or if I will ever be, but I am more ready than I was and in a way I am feeling good about that. I feel good I am making the right decisions. Being that I have less than three months left I have started looking at time in not just passing by, but as a tool that I can mold as I wish. I am going to utilize this time the best way I know how and take advantage of living here. I have been doing some travel, but I am not yet content, so for any weekend that looks free I am going to go somewhere and do something. Jess and I have started to plan and when we sit down to look at our calendars, I will be picking a few spots I have been dying to see. There is nothing holding me back at this point except me. So its time to take off running.

Looking back on my time here I cannot even take it all in at once. Its a funny feeling now--10 months in, a funny feeling that I cannot put into words without feeling as though I am cheating myself of the truth. Its gone too slow and too fast all at once, it has been too hard, yet too easy, it has been more than enough, yet not enough. Once again, it has been the land of contradictions. It has been nothing but Japan. And as I said before I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. And as ready as I will be to come home, I will always miss this place. I will always have a part of it with me. I will always hold the deepest respect for this culture and the people who thrive in it. And because of that I feel a resounding peace within my heart because if I didn't know what I wanted out of coming here, I certainly do now. I have found it over and over again. In every person I meet, in every experience I have in every new thing I try, in every risk I take, in every way I think. I have found what I didn't even know I was looking for, I have filled a piece of myself I didn't even know was empty, I have seen what I didn't even know I was blind to. I have fulfilled my wishes more than I could have ever dreamed and for that I am eternally grateful. I know now I will have no regrets when I leave this place because I have done what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to expand myself in a culture I knew nothing about, I wanted to meet people from around the world, I wanted to learn and learn some more. And I wanted to grow. I have done all of those things plus more. I have gone deeper within myself than I ever imagined possible, and now I finally see that I am bottomless within my thoughts. We never stop growing, we never stop learning about ourselves. I can now embrace the quickness of time because as I get older I am discovering more things about myself and to me that is one of the most exciting things a person can do. It is also one of the most important things a person can do because this self discovery translates into respect for others and respect for yourself. I can feel my new found strength and I can finally begin to put it to use, I can finally understand what I wasn't able to before. Although I am not, nor will I ever be completely "solved" or figured out, I can strive for the never ending growth. And I will surely bask in that. Somehow with all of that being said, I still feel like these words cannot describe my true feeling, because of either my limited vocabulary or just because language cannot truly describe feelings. Not fully. Not exactly.
The past few weeks have gone by quicker than I even thought possible and I am left standing in the quiet after the loud. I didn't think it would be hard all over again when I wake up alone in my apartment, but for the first few days it has been that same heavy feeling I felt when i first got here and I am eager to dispose of it quickly. Each day gets a bit easier and before I know it I will be used to the silence once again. I have many views on living alone and having a space for yourself. I don't want to dive into them all right now but all i will say is that it is necessary for everyone at some point in their lives. It is also necessary for it to not last too long. At least for me.

Lauren arrived on a rainy Friday and we slowly made our way back to my apartment. Aside from a few minor setbacks, everything went smoothly and we arrived back in Matsubase in one piece. Even though Lauren was exhausted she was a great sport, letting me drag her around everywhere I wanted to show her including some extremely challenging and tiring classes. We began our adventure as soon as she got there and did not stop to rest once. We had dinner with friends, went to a school concert, taught classes, tried all kinds of food, we went swimming, went to karaoke, wenr to the gym, to Mt. Aso, to Kumamoto Castle, out in the city, shopping around town, and to a few beaches. We camped in Miyazaki and body surfed in the Pacific. We danced on the beach, we joked, we talked, we were roommates once again. It was not hard to get used to, it was all too natural. I was beyond grateful that she got to come and experience a little bit of this part of my life. When you experience almost everything with someone for four years, it becomes second nature to want them to see and understand everything you are seeing. I was beginning to doubt that she could make it over and I was initially crushed--not knowing how to truly explain this part of my life without her actually seeing it. It was hard for me to accept there might be a gap in this part of our friendship. Not that I worried about us not being friends, that I would never worry about, just that she would not be able to understand this life, this part of me and that I would not do justice in an explanation. But my worries were washed away when she told me she would be coming and every time I thought about it, I could not help but smile. I had a hard time believing that she was actually in Japan until the weekend had passed and it finally sunk in.

I cannot believe how fortunate I have been this year. Not just to be accepted into this program, but to meet the wonderful people I have--each one of them showing bringing something special, something completely unique to my experience, to my life, to me. Each friend I have met has touched me so deeply and I know I will take a part of them with me where ever I go in the future. If it was not enough already to have met such great people, I also got the honor of having great people I love come visit me. My family was able to leave the states all together for the first time to meet me in Thailand and then went against all they knew, all that was comfortable to them and came to Japan. It is not easy to travel that far to such an unfamiliar place with that many people, but it wasn't even a question of whether or not they would come. They did not even hesitate. Dan hitch hiked from Tokyo to my doorstep just to spend time with me before ending his jaunt across Asia. Again, it was not even a question. He did not waver once. Lauren left the country for the first time and traveled by herself to be with me. Once she got the go ahead she did not have to think twice. And if that weren't enough already I have received letters, cards, presents, phone calls, e-mails from people from all walks of life telling me they are proud of me, they are happy for me and they love me and they miss me. They really miss me. I don`t even know how to express my gratitude. I am overwhelmed with happiness and thanks to live such a blessed life. I will never be able to truly show how much it means to me, but I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, it means more than you will ever know. Thank you. I am forever grateful.

Life will never fail to amaze me and I will look forward to continue growing and learning. I will look forward to always being amazed at how truly and unbelievably beautiful it all really is.

The Wedding!

Spring time and South Korea!

I am falling in love

The clear days brings with it a sense of something refreshing yet I cannot breathe clearly without feeling heaviness within me. I glance around the beautiful park as I sit in a small plastic chair slowly chewing the mixture of seaweed, rice and shrimp that I have somehow I learned to love. I smile as I feel my eyes begin to water. A small girl laughs as her dad chases her, two men bow and smile happily, a woman points to a cluster of flowers she likes and nods her head as her husband it picks up. A little boy tugs at his mom's skirt as he finishes his cotton candy. The men at the table next to us laugh loudly as they fill each other's cups with sake and beer. They call out to us in their broken English, asking us where they are from and if we like sushi. I laugh and look at my friend as she finishes her cotton candy and throws the chop sticks in the plastic bag. There is beauty all around me and I cannot hide my happiness. Flowers of all kinds are arranged in crates creating beautiful designs all across the muddy parking lot. The heaviness becomes almost unbearable as I look around this peaceful place and I close my eyes to keep them from watering more. I feel this way because I know I will have to leave it all too soon. It strikes me as mildly ironic on this soft spring day because even though I saw the beauty of this place when I got here, it wasn't until recently I finally realized how much I was truly feeling the beauty this place has to offer. We get up and tell the men we will not go to sushi with them as they call after us. I smile and wave, hoping they won't be bold enough to follow, even though I know they would never. We wander around the hundreds of flowers pointing at the ones that strike us, smiling and greeting the people around us. Children watch us with awe, some even come and say hello in English, shy yet excited. Walking across the park to the edge of the hill I am left breathless by the view. This town that was just a cluster of foreign buildings and narrow streets a mere 7 months ago has finally become something more than that to me; it has become my home. My friend points and in the distance I can see the ocean. I widen my eyes, for I am surprised at how close it truly is. How did I not come to this place before? The heavy feeling returns, I feel the pressure of time breathing down my neck.

We walk down to the park, taking in the beauty of the cherry blossom trees all around us, watching the petals fall like snow to the ground. The grass is covered in them, creating a white veil of petals in a ring around the trees. We find the large slide and I laugh as I watch a little boy make his way down it. He nervously holds on to the side and glaces back at his dad. His dad gives him a big smile, letting the boy know it is ok. He is suddenly unafraid as he loosens his grip for the rest of the ride down. I follow him laughing the whole way because the rollers tickle me and I am obviously the oldest one going down. We walk down to the monkey bars and smile now that we can touch them while standing on the ground. I swing my legs around frantically as my friend takes a silly picture. We have melted into former versions of ourselves, we have gone back in time. I do a handstand in the damp grass, laughing as I fall over all too quickly. It has been much too long. As I lay on my back I am again left breathless because of how unrealistically blue the sky is. I tell my friend it is like someone clicked on the saturation button in a picture program. It just doesn't get this blue in real life. The moon peaks through two green trees, still so white, like a pearl in the bottom of a deep, blue swimming pool. We find a teeter totter, a wooden one at that, the kind they don't make in the States anymore. I am all too quickly sucked into the past and we cannot resist trying it out. The mud at the bottom squishes between my toes and I laugh as my friend pushes up and lets my feet hit with a big splatter. When we finish trying the old teeter totter we wander around, finally taking a seat on the small tables lined up against the pound littered with Lily pads and fallen petals. I take too many pictures, desperately trying the capture the beauty that I feel all around me. I finally put my camera away, knowing it is impossible to do so. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I picture walking hand in hand with someone down the hill lined with cherry blossom trees, listening to the laughter of children as we talk quietly about our own childhood memories at the park.

After my friend and I have had our fill plus some, we walk back down the hill talking of the beautiful wedding we had been to the day before, the waterfall we had gone to in the summer, our first memories of this place and our first memories of each other, our fears of coming so far away, our comforts now, and our concerns about the future. I tell my friend I want to travel, I want to see the world, but I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth after I say it because I am seeing the world I don't want to leave this part of it. Not yet at least. I take a breath and remind myself there is still time. I have four months left in this place I have fallen in love with over and over again, and just because I have to go away does not mean that I won't love it forever. So I will do what I have set out to do and love it just as much if not more. I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. I will love the people around me because they too have taken a hold of me, and that grip is stronger than any other force. It is something that will not let go and has changed me so I will never be quite same again. As the sun sets on this perfect day I will smile and hold onto what I have and greet another day in Japan with even more bliss than I did the day before because as a passerby once mentioned to me on my travels, "there are no re-runs, this is it", and it suddenly became all too clear--this is my one shot. I better make it good.