Colliding Contradictions

I am not sure if there will ever be a time where saying goodbye to the people you love will be easy. I actually hope there won't. Not that I am a masochist, but that can define your love for someone. Among the top ten things that I cannot deal with very easily, saying goodbye is right up there with change and death. They are painful on their own levels of course, some being more, well, morbid than others, but none of them is a walk in the park. I would much rather just use "see you later" or "just for now". For all three of those topics. I think that gives me internal peace, even if it is somewhat of a lie. I say this because I had to say goodbye recently and then I watched P.S. I Love You, which is all about love and death. And I am such a sucker for morbid love stories. It gets me every time. And I am thinking about moving home which is obviously change. With that being said, please pardon my sappy like ways.

It is another beautiful and sunny day in Matsubase, Japan--the heat is starting to swelter, the bugs are coming back and we, being the teachers, are at school. And it is a Sunday. Parents day. At least we don't have school tomorrow to make up for it. It all makes sense in some sort of twisted way. But then again, that`s Japan for you. I am trying my very best not to cringe while being here, but after a two week vacation, I cannot help but wish I was back on the beach. Which is where I was one week ago today, and it was perfect. The waves were crashing, the sun was shining and I had my friends surrounding me. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. Except maybe more time. I could always use more time. Yet going with Japan's wonderful theme of contradictions, I am also gearing up to go home in more ways than one. I sent home winter clothes with Lauren and I watched my love for Japan crack a bit under the weight of something much stronger that has been hiding for a good while. The love for home. I haven't felt homesick in much too long and I was hoping it wouldn't come back this soon, but because I had my slice of home in Japan, it all came crashing down and I could no longer ignore it. Not to say I am completely ready or if I will ever be, but I am more ready than I was and in a way I am feeling good about that. I feel good I am making the right decisions. Being that I have less than three months left I have started looking at time in not just passing by, but as a tool that I can mold as I wish. I am going to utilize this time the best way I know how and take advantage of living here. I have been doing some travel, but I am not yet content, so for any weekend that looks free I am going to go somewhere and do something. Jess and I have started to plan and when we sit down to look at our calendars, I will be picking a few spots I have been dying to see. There is nothing holding me back at this point except me. So its time to take off running.

Looking back on my time here I cannot even take it all in at once. Its a funny feeling now--10 months in, a funny feeling that I cannot put into words without feeling as though I am cheating myself of the truth. Its gone too slow and too fast all at once, it has been too hard, yet too easy, it has been more than enough, yet not enough. Once again, it has been the land of contradictions. It has been nothing but Japan. And as I said before I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. And as ready as I will be to come home, I will always miss this place. I will always have a part of it with me. I will always hold the deepest respect for this culture and the people who thrive in it. And because of that I feel a resounding peace within my heart because if I didn't know what I wanted out of coming here, I certainly do now. I have found it over and over again. In every person I meet, in every experience I have in every new thing I try, in every risk I take, in every way I think. I have found what I didn't even know I was looking for, I have filled a piece of myself I didn't even know was empty, I have seen what I didn't even know I was blind to. I have fulfilled my wishes more than I could have ever dreamed and for that I am eternally grateful. I know now I will have no regrets when I leave this place because I have done what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to expand myself in a culture I knew nothing about, I wanted to meet people from around the world, I wanted to learn and learn some more. And I wanted to grow. I have done all of those things plus more. I have gone deeper within myself than I ever imagined possible, and now I finally see that I am bottomless within my thoughts. We never stop growing, we never stop learning about ourselves. I can now embrace the quickness of time because as I get older I am discovering more things about myself and to me that is one of the most exciting things a person can do. It is also one of the most important things a person can do because this self discovery translates into respect for others and respect for yourself. I can feel my new found strength and I can finally begin to put it to use, I can finally understand what I wasn't able to before. Although I am not, nor will I ever be completely "solved" or figured out, I can strive for the never ending growth. And I will surely bask in that. Somehow with all of that being said, I still feel like these words cannot describe my true feeling, because of either my limited vocabulary or just because language cannot truly describe feelings. Not fully. Not exactly.
The past few weeks have gone by quicker than I even thought possible and I am left standing in the quiet after the loud. I didn't think it would be hard all over again when I wake up alone in my apartment, but for the first few days it has been that same heavy feeling I felt when i first got here and I am eager to dispose of it quickly. Each day gets a bit easier and before I know it I will be used to the silence once again. I have many views on living alone and having a space for yourself. I don't want to dive into them all right now but all i will say is that it is necessary for everyone at some point in their lives. It is also necessary for it to not last too long. At least for me.

Lauren arrived on a rainy Friday and we slowly made our way back to my apartment. Aside from a few minor setbacks, everything went smoothly and we arrived back in Matsubase in one piece. Even though Lauren was exhausted she was a great sport, letting me drag her around everywhere I wanted to show her including some extremely challenging and tiring classes. We began our adventure as soon as she got there and did not stop to rest once. We had dinner with friends, went to a school concert, taught classes, tried all kinds of food, we went swimming, went to karaoke, wenr to the gym, to Mt. Aso, to Kumamoto Castle, out in the city, shopping around town, and to a few beaches. We camped in Miyazaki and body surfed in the Pacific. We danced on the beach, we joked, we talked, we were roommates once again. It was not hard to get used to, it was all too natural. I was beyond grateful that she got to come and experience a little bit of this part of my life. When you experience almost everything with someone for four years, it becomes second nature to want them to see and understand everything you are seeing. I was beginning to doubt that she could make it over and I was initially crushed--not knowing how to truly explain this part of my life without her actually seeing it. It was hard for me to accept there might be a gap in this part of our friendship. Not that I worried about us not being friends, that I would never worry about, just that she would not be able to understand this life, this part of me and that I would not do justice in an explanation. But my worries were washed away when she told me she would be coming and every time I thought about it, I could not help but smile. I had a hard time believing that she was actually in Japan until the weekend had passed and it finally sunk in.

I cannot believe how fortunate I have been this year. Not just to be accepted into this program, but to meet the wonderful people I have--each one of them showing bringing something special, something completely unique to my experience, to my life, to me. Each friend I have met has touched me so deeply and I know I will take a part of them with me where ever I go in the future. If it was not enough already to have met such great people, I also got the honor of having great people I love come visit me. My family was able to leave the states all together for the first time to meet me in Thailand and then went against all they knew, all that was comfortable to them and came to Japan. It is not easy to travel that far to such an unfamiliar place with that many people, but it wasn't even a question of whether or not they would come. They did not even hesitate. Dan hitch hiked from Tokyo to my doorstep just to spend time with me before ending his jaunt across Asia. Again, it was not even a question. He did not waver once. Lauren left the country for the first time and traveled by herself to be with me. Once she got the go ahead she did not have to think twice. And if that weren't enough already I have received letters, cards, presents, phone calls, e-mails from people from all walks of life telling me they are proud of me, they are happy for me and they love me and they miss me. They really miss me. I don`t even know how to express my gratitude. I am overwhelmed with happiness and thanks to live such a blessed life. I will never be able to truly show how much it means to me, but I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, it means more than you will ever know. Thank you. I am forever grateful.

Life will never fail to amaze me and I will look forward to continue growing and learning. I will look forward to always being amazed at how truly and unbelievably beautiful it all really is.

The Wedding!

Spring time and South Korea!

I am falling in love

The clear days brings with it a sense of something refreshing yet I cannot breathe clearly without feeling heaviness within me. I glance around the beautiful park as I sit in a small plastic chair slowly chewing the mixture of seaweed, rice and shrimp that I have somehow I learned to love. I smile as I feel my eyes begin to water. A small girl laughs as her dad chases her, two men bow and smile happily, a woman points to a cluster of flowers she likes and nods her head as her husband it picks up. A little boy tugs at his mom's skirt as he finishes his cotton candy. The men at the table next to us laugh loudly as they fill each other's cups with sake and beer. They call out to us in their broken English, asking us where they are from and if we like sushi. I laugh and look at my friend as she finishes her cotton candy and throws the chop sticks in the plastic bag. There is beauty all around me and I cannot hide my happiness. Flowers of all kinds are arranged in crates creating beautiful designs all across the muddy parking lot. The heaviness becomes almost unbearable as I look around this peaceful place and I close my eyes to keep them from watering more. I feel this way because I know I will have to leave it all too soon. It strikes me as mildly ironic on this soft spring day because even though I saw the beauty of this place when I got here, it wasn't until recently I finally realized how much I was truly feeling the beauty this place has to offer. We get up and tell the men we will not go to sushi with them as they call after us. I smile and wave, hoping they won't be bold enough to follow, even though I know they would never. We wander around the hundreds of flowers pointing at the ones that strike us, smiling and greeting the people around us. Children watch us with awe, some even come and say hello in English, shy yet excited. Walking across the park to the edge of the hill I am left breathless by the view. This town that was just a cluster of foreign buildings and narrow streets a mere 7 months ago has finally become something more than that to me; it has become my home. My friend points and in the distance I can see the ocean. I widen my eyes, for I am surprised at how close it truly is. How did I not come to this place before? The heavy feeling returns, I feel the pressure of time breathing down my neck.

We walk down to the park, taking in the beauty of the cherry blossom trees all around us, watching the petals fall like snow to the ground. The grass is covered in them, creating a white veil of petals in a ring around the trees. We find the large slide and I laugh as I watch a little boy make his way down it. He nervously holds on to the side and glaces back at his dad. His dad gives him a big smile, letting the boy know it is ok. He is suddenly unafraid as he loosens his grip for the rest of the ride down. I follow him laughing the whole way because the rollers tickle me and I am obviously the oldest one going down. We walk down to the monkey bars and smile now that we can touch them while standing on the ground. I swing my legs around frantically as my friend takes a silly picture. We have melted into former versions of ourselves, we have gone back in time. I do a handstand in the damp grass, laughing as I fall over all too quickly. It has been much too long. As I lay on my back I am again left breathless because of how unrealistically blue the sky is. I tell my friend it is like someone clicked on the saturation button in a picture program. It just doesn't get this blue in real life. The moon peaks through two green trees, still so white, like a pearl in the bottom of a deep, blue swimming pool. We find a teeter totter, a wooden one at that, the kind they don't make in the States anymore. I am all too quickly sucked into the past and we cannot resist trying it out. The mud at the bottom squishes between my toes and I laugh as my friend pushes up and lets my feet hit with a big splatter. When we finish trying the old teeter totter we wander around, finally taking a seat on the small tables lined up against the pound littered with Lily pads and fallen petals. I take too many pictures, desperately trying the capture the beauty that I feel all around me. I finally put my camera away, knowing it is impossible to do so. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I picture walking hand in hand with someone down the hill lined with cherry blossom trees, listening to the laughter of children as we talk quietly about our own childhood memories at the park.

After my friend and I have had our fill plus some, we walk back down the hill talking of the beautiful wedding we had been to the day before, the waterfall we had gone to in the summer, our first memories of this place and our first memories of each other, our fears of coming so far away, our comforts now, and our concerns about the future. I tell my friend I want to travel, I want to see the world, but I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth after I say it because I am seeing the world I don't want to leave this part of it. Not yet at least. I take a breath and remind myself there is still time. I have four months left in this place I have fallen in love with over and over again, and just because I have to go away does not mean that I won't love it forever. So I will do what I have set out to do and love it just as much if not more. I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. I will love the people around me because they too have taken a hold of me, and that grip is stronger than any other force. It is something that will not let go and has changed me so I will never be quite same again. As the sun sets on this perfect day I will smile and hold onto what I have and greet another day in Japan with even more bliss than I did the day before because as a passerby once mentioned to me on my travels, "there are no re-runs, this is it", and it suddenly became all too clear--this is my one shot. I better make it good.

I Believe

Ok here it is. Actual evidence that there is some sort of something going on in my head! It is still a work in progress, but I thought I would post what I have so far.

I believe...
I believe in sleeping in, I believe in diving into a refreshing pool on a hot day, I believe in a cold shower after a hard workout and hot chocolate on a winter day, I believe in the smell of old fashioned things, gasoline, and fresh cut grass. I believe in movies that cover large chunks of time, the sight of pure and untouched nature, in the sound of crashing waves, in late night rain and cheering fan, the silence of a new fallen snow and the crunch of a crispy quesadilla. I believe in ice cream of any flavor and the warmth of a true hug. I believe in white noise and background music when I am doing mindless tasks. I believe in an arm around me, the air filling my lungs and spiritual understanding. I believe in mind over matter, and the power of sheer will. I believe in black nail polish, sweat pants, eyeliner, video cameras and goggles. I believe in the tranquility of being underwater, the calm of shade in the park, and the peace of mind right before I fall asleep. I believe in the chaos of school assemblies, the roar of a football stadium after a touchdown, the thumping beat of a good song, the ear ringing after a great concert, the scratching of a pencil on new paper, the excitement of a much anticipated event, a smile that truly means something. I believe in the sound of my name being called from far away and real, deep down belly laughter. I believe in a good journal, the buzzing of my phone, the three words “I miss you”. I believe in floss and perfume, in tampons and conditioner. Lots of conditioner. I believe in a good shave to make me feel sexy, a good book to make me think and a good movie to make me cry. I believe in a raised hand in a classroom, the sound of clinking silverware, an insightful question, an original dance move and a new crush.

I believe in passion and showing that passion, I believe in a good Colorado beer, a sweet crisp apple and anything with multiple flavors in one bite. I believe in jewelry, trampolines, scooters and SUVs. I believe in a good run on the ski slopes, a good serve on the tennis courts, a good start in a swim race and the view after a long hike. I believe in a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliar ones, a song that brings back memories, and pictures that make you yearn contently. I believe in fridge magnets, frying pans and dumbbells. I believe in e-mails and chocolate, in holidays and bar-b-ques. I believe in the sand between my toes, a full cooler on a summer day, and a good board game with lots of friends. I believe in the sweat after a long night dancing, the smell of cooking mushrooms and the initial ease into a hot tub. I believe in all day outside, discovering short cuts and roller coasters where your legs dangle down. I believe in the “teacher voice”, the look of pride, the accomplished feeling of a job well done. I believe in no regrets, in playing with kids, in making someone laugh and snow angels. I believe in a good sneeze, the stars on a clear night, the warmth of a sleeping bag, the unconditional love from dogs, the soreness after hard work. I believe in the downhill after the uphill, the spray of a waterfall, the crinkle of a wrapper being torn and the ringing of a doorbell. I believe in the feel of a good back rub, lotion on dry skin, stretching after a run and a much needed yawn. I believe in gum and snail mail, in long walks and the last bell of the day. I believe in keeping an accurate social itinerary, keeping in touch with the people I care about and keeping trinkets that tell a story. I believe in a good margarita, the gasp of a surprise, tears of happiness and the embrace after its been too long. I believe in healthy competition, a hilarious TV show and too much sarcasm.

I believe in pep talks and pump up songs, in scrap books and slideshows. I believe in trying to talk in accents and in constantly envisioning scenes for potential stories or movies. I believe in caramel apple pops and scavenger hunts, I believe that kindness goes a long way and humor goes an even longer way. I believe in coffee and pastries, in take out and in the take off of an airplane. I believe in self made mad-libs games, roasting marshmallows, skinny dipping and play dough. I believe in the respect for others, drink specials, karaoke and late night snacks with a good friend. I believe in spandex and festivals, in big thunderstorms and porch swings. I believe in a conversation that lasts much longer than you intended, dressing up, making silly faces and drawing silly pictures. I believe in fruit in my jell-o, mustard on my hotdogs, sugar in my coffee, salt on my eggs, parmesan cheese on my pasta and icing on my cake. I believe in writing stories, wearing costumes, seeing plays, watching races, designing assignments and decorating my house. I believe in playgrounds, class discussion, informative videos and spontaneity. I believe in road trips and random facts, in patience, nicknames, creativity, text messages and dryers. I believe in looking to the future, thinking about the past and newly, living in the present. I believe in trying new things, in driving fast, in meeting new people, in the elderly and in King Soopers. I believe in browsing book stores and in carpools, in coffee dates and weddings.

I believe in my ability to ease any situation, easy to read charts, tradition, tours, family dinners and the sound of running water. I believe in beautiful art, in historic sites, field trips, fudge, bunnies, sunsets, bus rides and kissing. I believe in bug spray and zipper pockets, in air conditioner and in my i-pod. I believe in modern science, dirt roads, cowboy boots, the internet and my imagination. I believe in my family, I believe in my grandma and her amazing strength and unfaltering love, I believe in my mom, I believe she is my biggest inspiration. I believe I would not be who I am without my brothers or my cousins. I believe in my friends and their ability to help shape me, I believe I am truly blessed to know each one of them. I believe in the English language and its power. I believe in different ways of doing the same thing, in different cultures, in different foods and in different people. I believe in staying up late, going home early and getting in line first. I believe in knowing where you come from, in the more the merrier, a nice patio dinner and in ‘jumping’ pictures. I believe in sleepovers and bike rides, I believe in fried chicken and brownies, I believe I would like to open a restaurant combing those two things. I believe in sandboxes, karaoke, high dives and a good game of tag. I believe in palm trees and slippers, in telling and hearing good stories, in scars and windows, in sushi and bingo. I believe in teaching and sharing, in mirrors and flirting. I believe that food tastes better in small bites, I believe that eating something with a spoon upside down is more effective and that all drinks taste better with straws.

I believe that dreams mean something and that everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma and cheese, in Frisbee and poems. I believe in teachers and coaches, in good advice and good examples. I believe something big is coming for me and that I will be deserving of whatever it is. I believe I act too much like my dad and think too much like my mom, I believe I will never do something because others are doings it. I believe in all forms of entertainment, harmless bets and phrases like “globe trotting”, “trip the light fantastic” “sally batch” and “genki-fied”. I believe in appetizers, and water bottles, in picnics and bare feet. I believe my good intentions to be productive always fall by the wayside because of my social tendencies and I believe I am the best procrastinator I know. I believe you don`t realize how important someone was until they are not around anymore and that missing someone is one of the worst feelings ever. I believe fear can only consume you if you let it, I believe in the beauty of flowers and newborn babies, the strength of just one look, literature, roller blades, block parties and surprises. I believe in western toilets, eastern food and southern living. I believe in peace and affection, in Christmas lights and balloons. I believe in the power of mankind and the ability for us to be great in terms of destruction and creation. I believe in the good of bees and spiders and I have an immense appreciation for lane ropes, airplanes, good handshakes, telephones and cheesecake. I believe there is something more than just this world, I believe in the courage it takes to hold that belief. I believe in life and everything amazing that comes with it and, after all this time, I am finally beginning to believe in myself.

It's all HAPPENING!

Question: Why did the dinosaurs get so big?

Answer: It all boils down to their diet, the temperature of the air versus their bodies and most importantly, the fact that they had millions of years to evolve. And nothing in this present day and age has had that time. In a nutshell.

More important question: Why am I reasearching dinosaurs?

Answer: I can only have so much self motivation to study. Then I need to do some sort of brain activity to keep it from slowly rotting away.

Truth: I am not going to learn Japanese. I will keep trying to think I want to...But let's face it, it's been 7 months and I have yet to do much of anything.

Annoucements:
"It's all HAPPENING!" (A quote stolen from a great movie. If you don't know then you don't deserve to know)

What might be the happenings one might ask? Well I will name them.

Feburary is almost over marking the end of a few things:
1. The "coldest month in Japan" (I argue that)
2. Sobriety for yours truly
3. Lack of classes
4. Lack of motivation
5. Chocolate addiction

And March begins! Which marks the beginning of these things:
1. Eating well and working out
2. South Korea!!
3. Nice weather
4. Cherry blossoms everywhere!
5. Concern for my future

Mostly good things happening. And more brain activity seems to be going on lately which is very exciting news. I can't say if this will spark some sort of interesting writing, but I think it's coming. I can feel it.

I would just like to say I just put my i-tunes on shuffle and there has been nothing but good songs. Which should be the case usually, but I had some sneaky family members (ahem Hillary) put some terrible music (ahem Hannah Montana) on there and I become enraged everytime it comes on.

Besides the listed happenings, there is a lot of thought going on for the rest of this year in terms of friends, work, working out and traveling. I am battling with a lot of conflicting feelings about leaving in 5 months which I'm sure will be more intense come time to actually go. I have also been doing a lot of thinking about what I am going to do when I get back...Which will also become more instense when it is closer too. Jobs are looking slim. Which isn't a surprise, but it might be when I find myself living with my parents and working at the local Hobby Lobby. Ok will not work there no matter what. Not even if I was dirt poor and living in a box by the river. WITH my parents. That's how much I would NOT work there. Gah that place. Horrific yet necessary establishment.

So there are the happenings! I will be back with a writing piece in the next few days.

Cheers.

It's Almost Famous by the way. I really hope you knew that. And if you haven't seen it I don't wanna hear it.

P.S. Best blog ever----> www.fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com

Good times in Kumamoto!

J party! Some of the dress choices for Suzy's wedding!