Dear Past,
Hi! How are you? I don’t know why I ask, you’re good. You’ve always been good.
I wanted to write to you since I exchanged my old life for a new one. I’m not sure they were the same price—they exchange rate is different. I miss my old life but the new one is fitting better now that I’ve washed it. My old one was getting a little frayed around the edges and I’m pretty sure there as a hole in the sleeve. You know—where the seam is? I didn’t want that to rip because then the whole thing would have fallen apart. So I’m happy to say there are no holes in the seams of my shirt. Although there aren’t any in the seam there is one at the collar! I think I am going to sew it. It might take me a while since I’ve never sewed before, but I guess there’s always time to learn. It’s also kind of bland in terms of color so I might buy some jewelry to spice it up or just add some color myself. I’ve always thought it was better to do it yourself instead of paying for it to be done. It will make me happier anyway. I know you feel the same way. It fits fine for now, I think I can make it my own again someday, you know?
As for me, well have the leftover taste of Colorado in my mouth and pants the size of post graduation motivation. The repeat button isn’t jammed anymore, I know you were frustrated with that dang thing, but the comfort of familiarity is scary in ways unknown until it is no longer familiar. I toss and turn, but nothing seems to work and eventually I am too exhausted to fight it. I am soon forced to accept this new definition of comfort. Basically, I am just really jealous of your bed…
My shoes squeeze my tired feet and all I want to do is fall into my half empty coffee mug, letting my feet free, feeling my toes for the first time since I put them in these shoes last month. I am slowly digesting my fear but sometimes the urge to throw it all up becomes too much. At times like that I swallow and swallow hard, making sure to pull yesterday back down with everything else. Summer, with all of its melting memories, clings to me even after I tried to scrub it into last year. These feelings are longer than the days and they range in various degrees but the thermometer is broken so I can’t check the temperature. I would weigh them just to tell you but I can’t even lift them. It makes me wonder if they are too heavy or I am too weak. Either way I know I need to go to the gym so the shock of this new me stays a sight for sore eyes. Or is it a sight for more eyes? It’s hard to tell these days.
I’m not sure you would understand, but I wait around with these stale crumbs of what was. But what was? Was it like a swing set when you’re young? Now that you go on it, when you’re older, and your calloused hands have long since hardened, you try to feel the bars how you felt them then but it’s not the same. It’s not fun. Or is it still fun, it’s just the heavier body hanging from the monkey bars that is not as fun?
Remember the sun? Remember how it feels. Of course you do. I’m forgetting now and I’ve long since lost the taste of laughter. I find that was my favorite flavor, but it’s hard to find when I can’t read the language. I know you liked clarity of a much needed breath, but taking it all in literally takes it ALL in and I am left chocking with empty lungs and a brain full of X,Y, Z. Yeah, exactly.
Did I tell you I went shopping? Yeah, I bought this new product when I got here, but it’s the wrong brand. It definitely looks like a smile, yet when I put it on it’s all wrong. I can tell what it is, but it’s just not the same. I know I left you with my old one, it was impossible to bring. I guess I should have stuck to the brand name, but they haven’t started selling those here yet.
So I’ve been working on this new recipe, you know, since I still have the leftover taste of Colorado in my mouth. This new one has a very bittersweet taste so if you don’t mind I’m stealing your secret ingredient and adding some others. I might even try making some from scratch. I used the electric egg beaters this time instead of just a spoon so everything got mixed together faster--as you can probably imagine. I think that’s part of the reason it tastes different. Either way I hope I can get rid of that bitter aftertaste.
I’m staying in this room with these huge windows but I can only see through the cracks because the blinds are always drawn. I guess there are made from the same company as at home; language, but they are completely different. You probably didn’t even notice the company. The light of English shines in and I get a peak every now and then, but I need to work harder to open them. They sure are tricky though. Until then, I guess I’ll settle for my little sliver of light. It’s really comfortable and warm, there’s just not a lot of it.
Well I know you aren’t ever really worried or scared, but I am. I think they might before more of a part of you than they are of my anymore. I tried sending them to you, but the packages are too big so they keep coming back. Oh, thanks for sending courage by the way. I received it a few days after I got here and it’s come in really handy.
I know it’s hard for you to picture, you’ve never done anything like this before. You will soon, don’t worry. As usual, I have some advice for you:
Don’t panic, you will be fine
Pack extra pens. You never know when you are going to want to write to me.
Enjoy the water, who knows when you will see it next
Well actually, I guess we both know who knows, that jerk future. I tried writing to see what would happen but I didn’t get a response, again. Although I never get a letter back I have faith that future will be kind to me. I guess I just have to hold tight.
Well Past, you’ve done a really great job. You should be proud. Thanks for everything, you were wonderful.
I miss you.
Love,
Present
No comments:
Post a Comment