Blog Barf

Every one to three minutes a new song pops into my head. Here has been the last ten minutes:

1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)

So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:

1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.

So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.

So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.

The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.

It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.

Try again.

OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply

I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.

That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.

I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.

So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.

PERIOD.