Comfort of silence

I can finally sit in the comfort of silence. The hum of the air conditioner and the fan are the only noise I need tonight and I feel safe within myself.

The unfamiliarity’s of a new environment raise a heightened level of sensitivity within me, one that I not aware I even possessed. I feel vulnerable, I feel weak, but most of all I feel afraid of what is obvious; loneliness. I cannot speak in this unknown place, for fear my voice will be carried away into nothingness. If the sound of my voice falls upon deaf ears, then who is really listening?

Admitting to this fear is not something I thought I could do, but so many things that once lay within me, untouched, have recently been surfaced. These feelings are kept deep within all of us, settled at the bottom of a vast pool of emotions, buried under the emotions that are more often used. They lay deep within us and they are reluctant to come out, for when they do we are not who we thought we were, we are not as strong as we thought we were and we are not comfortable with this new, frightened creature.

I have a choice; I can cower from these newly discovered feelings or I can embrace them. I choose to embrace them, and understand their meaning. How could I live with myself if I did not? How could I live in a temple of fear? I often wonder if this is the test of my physical and mental being. If there is another way to test this ugly emotion then say it now, although I do not believe there is. There is some part of ourselves that hides away from the world no matter how much world is surrounding us.

Sinking slowly within me are new ideals of what it means to be me. What it means to be strong within myself, what it means to push the preconceived notions of who I am even further. Gaining this understanding can only help me grow as a person and live as something more. These feelings are not familiar and although they were not welcomed, they are now becoming understandable as I continue to mold myself and the world around me.

Although I can finally sit in the comfort of silence, I know the noise of my dreams means the beginning of these feelings is not yet over. Nightmares slip in and out of these once pure imaginings, creating another level of fear that fades away with the daylight. The ugliness of these images churn within my mind until the meaning is chewed up and spit out into the confused mess of nothing that means a little bit of something to me. At least a little bit of something that will help shape the meaning of what is constantly being processed in my head.

Exhaustion plagues my tired mind, taking in this new place calls for more mental energy than I am used to and my body begs for something it cannot have. Crippling my thoughts and gripping my view of the world, this place has given me something else to see and for that I can be constantly grateful of who I am and who I will become.

I am heavy within myself, a place that is not easy for me to be. I feel the urge to crawl out of this deep cavern that I live in and explore without it. To discover a world without this body is something that could not be possible, and even still if it were so, it would not be the same. Experiences shape us into who we are and our bodies will someday show for it. Whether that be good or bad, I take what I can from it and continue with my intertwined ideals. With this life and what may follow, I will preserver and know that all of these new feelings are a part of the experience and make for the ride we call life.