Missing Already

Sometimes it just down pours for literally 30 seconds and then stops. It just did right before I started writing this and it was the fastest downpour in the history of my life. Well, maybe there was a shorter one yesterday.

The clouds today look like the clouds in the opening of "The Simpsons", so fluffy and the sky so blue behind them. Which is also confusing if it was just raining. It confuses me more to think that the blue sky can actually be BEHIND the puffy clouds. I don't think that is possible. I was also told this morning not to look at the sun on the specific days of the eclipse. Aren't you never supposed to look directly at the sun? Maybe its different in Japan. Maybe they enjoy looking at the sun. I told my teacher I would try my best not to look at it.

Well today is just another day in Japan. Except I actually had to speak Japanese in front of both of my schools to thank them for the year. Wait, wasn't I just doing that to thank them for what was to come? Wasn't I just stepping off the plane into this foreign country? How is it that I am leaving next week? I can`t really answer any of those questions--they are what we like to call rhetorical. And since these questions just spin around in my head unanswered I just put on my lucky outfit and hope for the best. Yes, I have a lucky outfit. I wore it my first day here. It did fit a lot better a year ago though. Gah, a year ago. Really? Ok I will stop with the questions. I think its all starting to hit me right now. I was hoping it would at some point. Good thing its before I go and not when I get home. Although I could picture myself sitting on my bed in my parents house just crying because I don't know what happened to my life. Just for a few minutes because that`s all I cry for. About 20 minutes a year. Minus the night I graduated, but that wasn't my fault, I blame some of the beverages I consumed that night for that long ass cry. We shan't talk of that night.

I took a picture of the office today but I don't really know why. To show people maybe? I actually pictured myself showing my grandma. "BZ, this is where I sat. For many hours". Why would one take a picture of a place they don't really like? Why would one want to remember something such as that? I guess it is a memory nonetheless. The office was the place where I spent many hours growing my ass. Gotta have a picture to place the blame. Some might think that it would be smart if I took a picture of the classroom, but I didn't spend much time in there. Don't ask why they call it teaching. They should call it ass growing. With a little teaching thrown in every odd day.

I complain, but the job was the worst part and it wasn't even that bad. Ok, yes it was. It was that bad. But the rest of everything was amazing. I am happy and sad right now. I don't really think that its possible to have two emotions at once, but somehow I have achieved the impossible! Maybe that is why my stomach hurts. I am sad to leave behind the great people of this country, but I am excited to come home to the great people of my own country. The beauty will be missed here, but the beauty at home is just as good. Well, a different kind, a more familiar kind, but I think I will be seeing it through different eyes this time around. Being away makes one appreciate home even more. Not to say the people and places are replaceable, not even close, but that is why I am happy and sad at the same time. Ultimately it is a sacrifice I have to make. For myself. It makes sense in my head, but for some reason the words are all wrong on paper. I think they might feel that way for a while to come. At least while I am feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. The English word that is most overused and poorly used in Japan is "enjoy". And "maybe". But enjoy especially. But in this case, I will have to use it full heatedly, I will just enjoy the time I have left. I will appreciate this place, this beauty and these people for one more week. I will continue to be both happy and sad. I will go home and miss it more than I even thought possible. And when it rains I will think of the 30 second downpours in Japan and miss it all over again. And that might be the time where all I can do is cry.