It seems that my blog has turned into more of a formal writing page than anything and because of that I have dreaded writing in it. I have decided that it is my blog damnit and I can write whatever things that come to my head no matter how insignificant and trivial. I also blame my writing set up. I have a table that is 2 feet off the ground and sitting here writing for long periods of time isn't really that comfortable. The small table however, has no negative impact on my facebooking. It's a different sitting position I tell you!
I am up later than I would like but once again, don't blame me. I'm waiting to skype with a very elusive brother of mine and and happy that tracking him down will soon come to and end. Well, not really, but now I can just call his phone until he decides to call me back. Skype is a miracle from God, but there are some days where I am just plain sick of it. I just want my friends to be there in the flesh. It looks like I will forever be stuck with the curse of not having all my friends just a drive away. Looks like it can be disguised as a blessing as well. Someday we will all gather together in a festive manner. I just hope it's before my funeral. That's usually when all the people you ever loved come to something of yours. And by then, what's the point? What a waste.
A lot has been swimming around in my head these past few days and I am not really sure what to make of all of it. I know that the confusion won't come to an end until it's too late and the clarity will be all too painful. I have less than two weeks left in the life I have known for a year and right now I feel somewhat numb to it all. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening. It is the exact feeling I felt one year ago today. Coming to Japan was just words out of my mouth or writing on a page. It meant nothing. Flying home is the same. I am too many things and it just spins around until it is nothing.
I desperately want it to mean something, then it could hit me and I could really and truly cherish every last moment I live here. But I can't shake the haze and my desperate attempts fall like ash on the ground. Each day I wake up and it's there, I have a sense of it, but then it goes away as fast as it came. I am lucky if it lasts more than a minute. Funny how that works, the primal feeling of our true selves, of our connection with ourselves the most is in that first moment of waking and then all to quickly it has disappeared. Then we just go on living our lives like every other day, not really giving it much of a second thought. Someday I hope to capture this feeling and keep it bottled up so I can use it when I need it. You can't use it all the time or you would explode from over acuteness of the senses, but it would be nice to keep the purity of your dreams and your true self for days like today when the world as you know it is about to shift again. And all you can do is sit there like a big idiot.
One time I actually kept this feeling with me for most of the day. It was probably one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. The day was nothing special--I woke up and felt lighter. I went to lunch with my friend in my tye dye pants and for some reason I could not stop laughing. I laid in the parking lot of my apartment complex and just embraced the beauty of it all. And no, I wasn't on drugs. Then I had a brilliant idea for a paper and I didn't start writing it until ten that night when it was due the next day. I didn't even go to bed that night. The next day the feeling was gone. But guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Damn straight.
I try not to think about everything too much, but with all of this time and nothing else to really think about, it keeps creeping into my head. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready and sad. I am hurting more than I thought because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to end for anyone else because I know it will never truly end for me. I will take Japan and make it part of me. That way it will be around for as long as I am. It's too much for human emotions to really grasp all at once I think. It creeps up slowly and sometimes has a sudden attack, but usually just happens and is explained as a part of life. So far I have no other explanation either.
For now I will just let it spin until the nothing finally becomes something.
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