A Blink of School Life

The bell frightens me as it dings loudly, singling the end of this period and seven minutes until the next. Seven minutes until the calm serenity is sucked out of this room and replaced with loud annoyances. A day like this I wonder why I wanted to be a teacher. Yet, as the room fills with teenagers I am reminded once again. Their energy seems to fill me with my own and I am instantly ready for whatever the day may bring. I am nearing the end of my short two and a half week stay in these challenging classes, and weirdly enough I am getting sad. This feeling has caught me completely and utterly off guard because the first three days I was here I thought I would never be able to make it through. My seventh period was going to eat me alive. I would never be able to teach them the materials right--after all it is science. I guess I should just be glad it's not math. I went home exhausted after the first week, wondering how I was going to make it through the next two weeks. Yet here I am, almost there and wondering what my next step is going to be.

I have been subbing for three years. Sometimes I see the same classes, sometimes the students remember me, but mostly I am a nameless sub and they are all nameless students. I do my best to be fair, to be stern and to be me. They seem to like me enough, yet as the bell rings and they dash home I am forgotten, as they are for me. Emptiness slowly filled me. Not over a day or a week or even a year, but as the third year began, I realized how hollow I had become. I was just a replacement. And if I couldn't fill in they would find another replacement. I have no responsibility, no knowledge of what I teach, no relationship with the students. Although sad, after school I was glad I could leave at the same time as the students, glad I could visit coffee shops during my off periods and read book or write, glad that I never had to take home a single thing to grade. My nights were me time--free time. I could do whatever I wanted on the weekends. I could even take a trip and not have to worry about missing days, I made my own schedule after all. Yet with all of these things that I love, all of the freedom and time, I still wasn't fulfilled. The hole was still growing.

It wasn't until I landed this two and a half week science job at my old high school did I realize what I had been missing all along. Students saying, "Hi Ms. D! Bye Ms. D! Thanks Ms. D!" (well, they say my full name, but for blog purposes I will just leave it at that). Students recognizing me when they walk in, talking to me about their life, feeling comfortable in my classroom. No more "Oh we have a sub today?" Or "Who are you?" No more just nodding and smiling at teachers in the hall. Now I could stop and talk to them, laugh in an office with them, get to actually know them and learn from them. I didn't even care if students wanted to come in for help (well, if they ever did) because I didn't mind helping them. I actually wanted to help them. I was beginning to feel good about my decision to be a teacher again. I wasn't wavering in the right and wrong, I was happy with the responsibility of grading and figuring out plans. I was happy with anything that would actually give me a name. I was happy not just being "the sub". Of course there were the challenging students that made me happy I didn't have to stay past this week. But even they couldn't take away this new fulfillment I had. Even they couldn't turn me away from this job. I wasn't going to let them defeat me, I was going to let them challenge me, test me and make me the best teacher I could be. Now, if only I had a little more time!

But as things always do, this job will soon be coming to an end. My freedom will return to me in the form of fall break where I will jump joyously throughout the town until the week is up when I realize that I no longer have a place at this school. Or any school for that matter. From there I can sadly sink into myself or know that sometimes that's just the way things go. And I will do everything I can to get back into my own classroom someday, to get back to where students know me and I know them, to get back to my true passion. Each day is a step in the right direction, even if I am a nameless sub, I have to know it will all work itself out someday. Well, maybe it won't magically work itself out, I'm sure I'll have to do some work :)

A few of my favorite things: SCUBA DIVING

Only in my dreams have I experienced what I experience when I dive. It is unlike anything I can even begin to explain. I have always been attracted to water and even more so to the ocean. I love the sounds, the smells the feel of the sea. I love the salt on your skin all day and the weightless feeling of bobbing up and down in the waves even long after you have left them. What I love even more is the complete and quite calm you feel when you are underwater. It is the escape from the world of air breathers, and escape from the noise of life.

The minute I put the regulator in my mouth at scuba lessons I knew there would be no going back. It was the water and me. I listened to my steady breaths as I floated underwater for longer than I ever had; so completely peaceful. Little did I know what it would really be like when I got out of a pool and into the ocean. My first dive was in Australia and my heart seemed to be doing flips the minute my flippers touched the water. I was ecstatic when I saw one fish and then two and pretty soon the calm and quite ocean was teeming with amazing life. I was in another world. A world I could not be more curious about, a world I immediately feel in love with. Since then I have dove off the coasts of St. Kitts and Belize and each dive was different, unique and completely breath taking in its own way. I've seen more marine life than I could ever see in a tank at an aquarium and I know this is just the beginning of my diving experiences. I have even seen a proposal while diving of two of my best friends! I wish I could meet the person who invented scuba diving and give them a hardy handshake because they did a splendid job. It fills my soul to the brim each time I go and I am left with memories that keep it full for many-a high tide to come!

Here are a few of my favorite things

As I have said before, my soul is never more full than when I am with the people I love. Here are most of them (a few of my gems are left out) at my birthday dinner, an old one of my dad's side of the family and an even older, weirder one of my mom's side. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people constantly surrounding me, pushing me to be my best, inspiring me and just loving me for all that I am and all that I am not. They have given me everything I need to become who I am today and no one has ever doubted my potential or thought I couldn't do anthing I put my mind to. Thank you to all of you who have left footprints in my heart forever! I will never know how to ever repay all the love I have felt from each and every one of these people in my lifetime.

The Journey to Beauty

My memories can be a bright place, full of happiness and fondness. They can also become a dark place, a reminder of things lost or never to be had again. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by that thought. How we can never go back to how things once were. It almost haunts me. My dreams taunt me with this notion--it swirls in my head more often lately than it has in a long time. I am sometimes a victim to its harsh ways and I surrender easily. Other times I am simply reminded that I am human and raw emotion is the best way to truly feel alive. This thought leads to the simple fact that I am still here, I am living as best as I know how and it is just time to make new memories. Other times this thought leads me into a place I pull myself away from. A place I don't like to go. But there are times when I just cannot fight it anymore. I love what once was. I love what is. I love what will be. But because I know that true love I felt for what once was and I am unsure of the others, I cling to that. I find I must pull myself out before I drown in it. I must learn from this and take it with me to what will be. But it can surely become a heavier burden than I intended. I ache to keep it with me, I ache to let it go. There are times when I am not sure what to do so I just let the tears fall in hopes that they will drain out my cloudy thoughts and wash away the confusion written on my face.

With change comes growth, undoubtedly, every time. In the end, what are we if we don't grow? What are we if we cannot come out stronger from the struggle of change? What are we if we cannot amaze ourselves with our ability to truly live. What are we if it doesn't phase us, confuse us or just rattle us straight to the core? Of course the past is comforting because we have been there--for it is all we know. Of course the future is frightening because the unknown is always that way. And of course we feel the pangs of leaving behind something familiar, something so comfortable. But with those pangs of hurt, confusion, despair come new ones of exploration, growth, confidence, fulfillment. With it comes the pieces that help make you who you are, that make you more complete, more real, more ready to give back and be able to look in the mirror at someone who you can be completely and utterly proud of. Everyone has the ability to do more than they think they can. The human potential is limitless and we have so much to offer one another. I just need to remember this myself, remember that I can be more than I even imagine my best self as. I can walk tall and take the memories I've had with me as a testament of where I've been, and keep an open mind as a testament to where I am going. This journey of life can be what you make it, but if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't realize it's beauty it will not be what it was intended to be. And it can be the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.

Still Filling...

One of these days--a day in the very near future--I am going to miss this peace I am experiencing right now.

I am at my aunt and uncle's place (we'll just say it's a "place") in Steamboat. It's late afternoon, the trees sway with the wind as the sunlight peaks its way through the large bay windows. I hear the hum of the fridge and my parents talking softly on the deck. Next to me I have the most current book I'm reading in case I decide to find a quite nook to go read. Jet-Puffed marshmallows taunt me, but I can wait because of all of the junk I've eaten on this vacation weekend. Later I will roast them. Now I just need to digest.

I've had a peaceful day of hiking and relaxing afterwards but sometimes too much serenity leads me into the labyrinth of my own thoughts--a hard place to find an exit to. I like to think about life--especially when all the things in it are so wonderful. But when they should be and they just aren't, well I can't really say thinking is my favorite pastime. Right now I guess the best thing to have in my thought bubble is a big, huge question mark. Which is ok for now. But I think that question mark has hovered there longer than I would have liked and now I'm just plain annoyed with it.

I think its me. I think too much about me but don't spend enough time with me. Or on me. Its much easier to think about what's going on this weekend or who's doing what now rather than what I need to be doing to get ahead in the world. I have a very hard time with the future. I can imagine what I want, but I cannot picture the steps I need to take to get there. So I just continue with what's easy--the present and what I feel like doing now. It's a very tricky spot to be in, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Take for instance my last blog entry. I read it to my mom as I will every so often (after all she is my biggest fan:) and as usual she loved it. But there was one thing missing she said. I couldn't think about what it could be. She said, what about making someone else happy? Does that hold a place in your soul? I was ashamed. How could I forget that? I told her of course, I should add that. I should put that making others happy is one of the things that fills me. Its not just about me being happy. But I had to think, am I really that selfish? How did I forget seeing my friend laugh, or two people hug? How could I forget seeing the joy in a mother's eyes as she sees her child for the first time in a long time or the sight of all your friends laughing together? How could I forget that seeing my friends or family excited is one of the things that gets me most excited? How would that not fill me? Well, in all honesty it does. Completely and utterly these things fill me. Their happiness fuels mine and I'm sure it's vice versa. I love being around those I love and if anyone knows me they know that I have trouble NOT being around those people. They sometimes have to tell me to go home and have quiet time because they are sick of me! Not really, but maybe they think that :)

In truth I know that there is nothing in this world more important than relationships. We need each other and I think I almost get lost in that world. I know I do. I just want to fill and be filled with the people around me. But I must remember that even if I want to play with my friends all day I do need to think about me and what is going to help me in the future. Even if it means I can't play with my friends right that minute, maybe this step will help me to play with them even more later!

This post is all over the place, which wasn't my intention but always seems to be the outcome. I have no idea where I even started with this. I will take this time to say I'm going to get out of the tangles of my ratty thoughts and go find a nice place to read about other people's ratty thoughts!

I am filled by those around me. My soul will never be more full than when I am with the people I love.

Feeding My Soul

Lately I have been doing everything under the sun (and yes I do mean under the sun--its been a hot summer) besides doing one of the true things that feeds my soul--writing. Not only have I abandened my dear blog, but I have left my journal collecting dust. Even my books creak when I open them. I have spent too much time feeding my stomach and trying to fill my heart and in the mean time I let my soul starve. Here's the thing about starving your soul--if you let it starve for too long you may no longer have one at all. It takes a long time for a soul to truly whither away, though. Like I'm talking about years of solitute. Luckily I have just been ignoring it for a handful of months now. But I can feel its hunger. I can almost hear the thirsty moans. My guilt grows slowly inside of me each day I let pass without giving so much of a scrape of creative inspiration to my poor soul. Well starve no longer, soul, it's time for you to feast! I have a long weekend ahead of me where I plan to do little more than read and write and spend quality time with my family. Nothing feeds the soul better than that!

So when someone says, your soul is hungry, what do you feed it? Do you know the answer? I now know mine:
I feed it a good, real, deep conversation--something that gets to the root of someone. I feed it a rich dose of writing, the kind that digs at you, challenges you, and makes you feel accomplished when you're finally finished. I feed it the outdoors--nature at its purest. Sunny skies, quiet serenity. I feed it a real, I love you so much kind of hug. I feed it diving into someone's eyes, getting lost within them. I feed it deep down belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and leaves you feeling full. I feed it exploration, finding something that moves the core of you. I feed it heart pounding love. I feed it the wind wipping through my hair, sun on my skin, running through a field kind of breathlessness. I feed it the smell of fresh soil, the sight of flowers poking their way through. I feed it the waft of a burger on the grill on a comfortable summer night, the company of loved ones all around. I feed it music that makes it dance and sway, cradling it gently in its comfortable melodies. I feed it capturing a perfect moment and harnessing that feeling to bring out when it is heavy. I feed it a good, real and truly touching book. Something that can never leave your mind. Something that shapes your thought. I feed it the touch of someone's hand, the smile from someone you know loves you so much it is bursting within them. I feed it water. Lots and lots of water. Water to drink and and replenish, water to dive in and refresh, water to fall down and revive. I feed it something bigger than me, than all of us, I feed it the confidence to know that it is safe within those hands. I feed it life, for there is nothing greater to feed the soul, nothing greater to know how truly nourished a soul can be within the beauty of my body, within the beauty of this earth.

The Challenge

The Challenge: Paleo Diet (aka caveman diet)

Do NOT consume these things:

Wheat of any kind (Bread, pasta, cereal, crackers...)

Dairy

Sugar

Alcohol

Period of time: 26 days

Challenge status: 11 days in

15 days left

Number of times cheated at current challenge time: 4 (one bite of cheese cake, one bite of cheese, half and half in coffee, sugar in coffee)

Energy levels: High

Weight number: Going down, pants fitting better, looking more toned

Will power: Moderately Strong

Challenge difficulty: Extremely difficult.

Percentage thought and talked about in daily life: 85%

Friends who are sick of hearing about how everything I can't eat sounds so good: 100%

Coupled with 3-4 days of CrossFit workout/ other type of cardio

Desired goal: 6 lbs lost, 3 inches around waist, newly discovered sense of self worth and will power!

Helpful hints: Friends doing it with you is HUGE. Taking it one day at a time. Knowing you can be the MASTA OF YOUR OWN DESTINYYYYY!!

Obviously this was not my idea of a good time nor was I really excited to do it. Yet the way I feel and the changes I can see make me want to keep this up for the whole month if not longer. I feel like this is a good lifestyle change--I can cook more, eat more diverse and healthy foods and just feel better ALL of the time. It's amazing how much more energetic I feel for longer periods of time and how I have no stomach aches ever! Opposed to the two to three I got daily before. Obviously I can't continue to be this strict with this forever, but I do think that it can be implemented in every day life much more easily than I originally predicted. I've never dieted before or kept myself from eating anything ever, but for the first time I finally feel like I have a handle on my eating and I'm in control of what goes in my mouth. Temporary satisfaction is just that--temporary and it does nothing for you in the long run. I've realized that with all of the food I turned down, once the initial sadness of not being able to eat it ended (after about 12 seconds), I didn't really care and I never gave another thought to it. And it worked out for me in the long run! It always sounds good and it's always one of those things "I should try someday", but actually doing it is not only a good feeling physically, it's a great feeling mentally. I even feel more at peace emotionally. Not to say its always been as smooth sailing as it sounds now. In fact, the first 5-7 days were almost torture to me and without having really realized it--I definitely went through a pretty big de-tox stage. I was really, really hungry, I was grumpy, I was easily upset, I was craving everything I couldn't have at all moments of the day, I was ridding myself of the toxins my body had built up and I had no idea. Now I am at the point where I've realized I haven't felt this good in a long time (minus the sickness I seemed to get along with beginning this) and surprisingly I continue to feel peaceful and and purified.

So there is my revelation. It's pretty straight forward and seems pretty simple as well as obvious that all these things would occur when not eating shitty foods but it's one of those things that I just had to try to truly believe. Go figure.

Eating well to live well. It actually works :)

Will you take the challenge? Go ahead, I dare you.

Remix!

Bike riding season has begun again. And not just bike riding season. Baseball season is in two days, the flowers are starting to bloom, I see green grass sprouting up, I see more people out, the patios filling up on the sunny days and talk about outdoor plans had increased ten fold. Although it's not even April yet I can't help but join the spring fever that has slowly started to creep over Denver. I have a few more days of skiing in me, though so I am one foot in winter and one foot in spring as I reach towards summer. I can't be reaching too far, for I don't want to hurt myself when I get snowed on again. Colorado does do that on occasion that I must keep in mind.

With the new season brings up new goals and new inspiration for things that were long forgotten over the winter...like cleaning. I really have a lot to do. Somehow things get way too dusty way too fast. Dust usually doesn't bother me until it is piling up in corners, forming mini army of dust balls against me. Then I get a little grossed out. Besides battling dust balls, spring break is a good time for me to reorganize and revamp. I need to get geared up for job searching as well as the dreaded swim suit shopping. Hopefully with my 20 day no carbs, dairy (no cheese!), sugar or alcohol I can get a jump start on that as well as get a mental grip on food intake and health in general. Spring break is also a good time for me to relax and rejuvenate. and REmix my sound track to life. All these "re's" you would think I would really need a re-start! So here's to getting shit done, living it up and enjoying the season of rebirth!!

Limitless Potential

My heart fills with overwhelming sadness when I watch videos about the tsunami in Japan. It breaks when I read about the nuclear power plant. Natural disasters are always awful and heartwrenching, yet I have not been affected by one like I am with this one. Maybe because I know that as a whole Japan is so conscious of their environment. Maybe because I know as a whole Japan is kind to their neighbor. Maybe because I know that Japan does not deserve this. Maybe because I know that it is going to be one of the worst tragedies that country has experienced in years. I want to help--I know we are going to try, but I wish that my efforts could make a big enough difference. I want to take away the sadness in the hearts of the millions who have lost loved ones, I want to rewind and delete the whole disaster. But if we could do that we would have used that for about everything like this. If we could do that no one would experience pain, heartbreak or sorrow. If we could do that no one would ever grow into a better person, no one would ever have the need to build character because they would continually be rewinding something bad to make it better. We would not develop as a race or as emotional beings. I have no idea who we would become but I suspect it would not be pretty or virtuous. I would be very afraid to meet that race that does not experience pain for they would be something of a monster to us I'm sure.

Think of yourself as person and the struggles that you would have done anything to take back at the time. The pain that you felt wasn't worth it then--you would trade it for anything. But look at yourself now. Look at how far you have come, what you did to take that pain and deal with it, turn it into something positive and become a better person because of it in the long run. The process may have been long, it may still be happening but many times our blessings are disguised at the time and become something more than we ever thought they could.

I like life because of that. I also hate life because of that. Doing something that I don't want to do has always been really hard for me. Forcing myself to do something I don't really want to do NOW is even harder for some reason. I think its because I know what I want and I'm not getting it so the thought of a detour is making me cringe. But I like to believe it builds character. If not let me be ignorant to it, for I will live in that state peacefully.

Not to say that natural disasters are really the same as emotional disasters but I do think there are various levels of human strength that are put to the test in both scenarios. To me, it is absolutely incredible what the human mind and body are capable of. Whether it be bad or good, it cannot be argued that humans are indeed incredible. Many of us cannot believe stories of individuals overcoming incredible struggles, hardships, tragedies and pain but if we were in the same position would we have no choice but to do the same? The main goal most likely is to live life and many will go through the unimaginable to do it.

I sit in awe as I watch he struggles of this world--just in disbelief that people can continue on after what has happened to them. How do they not just lay down and give up? Of course that is the easy way out. The coward's road and too many people have come too far to become chopped liver, no matter what is happening to them at the moment. As someone random once said, "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Live above expectations even if they are your own, for there is no telling what you are capable of until do what you never thought was possible. Push yourself into the zone where "can't" is a foreign word, where you can look back with pride and say, "wow, I did that".

Not intentionally getting all philosophical here, but I have recently begun to realize that there are so many things we can do and so many times where we stop ourselves short of our own potential. I am a perfect example of that and it would be tragic to think that I might have lived a half life if I did not begin to realize this now. Our potential is limitless. Except if we try to fly--that is physically impossible and will end in severe injury or death. Unless you are a professional hang glider. Even still, death is a large possibility.

I know that people can survive hell and I hope that they can do more than just survive, but right now, with all that is going on in the world a small hope of survival can bring light to the dark and eventually become a larger path for hope and eventually taking in the true beauty that is life.

From steps behind to steps ahead

Sometimes reading through my old posts will inspire me to write a new post. A lot of the time I hope that it will make up for the terrible writings of my past. Usually it doesn't but at least you can't say I didn't at least TRY.

So I went back through some old college posts as well a some Japan posts and what is the craziest thing is how much I was so focused on what was happening right then at the minute. And how now, I barely even remember certain things that seemed like such a big deal at the time. Yet here I am again so focused on life that is my own little world that when I look back I will just laugh because I can't even remember that bad class I had one day or how so and so said this and that. Such is life I suppose.

I had a post a few years ago. Right about the halfway mark in Japan. I was gearing up to go on break to see my family in Thailand and I made a little question/answer thing for myself. What I have decided to do is take those questions and answer them now to see if anything has changed. Then, I did it around the new year. Now, I am just going to focus on from last Jan. to this Jan.--a year's span. Ok? Is that ok with everyone?! I hope so, cause I'm gonna do what I want. Nothing new there, though.

1. What is the most exciting thing you did this year?

Any one of my adventures. I think hiking up the volcano crater in St. Kitts was pretty exciting, or anyone of my scuba diving trips.

2. Look back one year ago. What were you doing this week in 2010?

Once again, good question. I think I was doing around the same thing I am now. I really wasn't subbing as much so most likely swimming and getting excited about the 80s ski party that was around this time...

3. What are three important realizations you have come to in the past year?

1. Life is full of surprises

2. I am an independent person, yet I cannot survive without others around me

3. I can be so much more if I really put my mind to it

What is something you have struggled with this past year?

This answer doesn't necessarily differ that much from the one I wrote in 2008. I want to find out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Turning 25 this year made me realize that although I am somewhat close to my career, I am so far away from actually living within myself comfortably. I am strong and confident, yet there are lots of times I falter in what I should be doing with my life and how I should going about doing it. I have also begun to realize that I am not too young to start thinking about my future personally--who I am now vs. who I want to be in five or ten years. Scary as it is people around me are beginning the new stages of life; more and more people are getting married and thinking about how they are going to one day support a family. I can't say that these thoughts haven't crossed my mind and although they are no where in the near future, I can't help but wonder how things will eventually turn out. Let's hope I can not live in a shack by the river.

What are three things you regret from 2010?

1. Decisions while imbibing certain beverages

2. Not being strong enough when it comes to certain things...

3. Not doing enough for others

What are you proud of from 2010?

1. Moving into my own apartment

2. Setting goals that I actually achieved (moving, working more, deserving a vacation, trying new things...)

3. Feeling a sense of self worth (joining i have. i give, helping with CrossFit, feeling good about who I am)

What is your major resolution for this year?

Get a real job, apply to grad school!! (in 2008 I said do more, be more which could essentially be a goal for my whole life. I figured I've gotten a start on that but I need to start taking bigger steps than I have been)

So there it is, the same survey a few years later. It is interesting to see how I have grown within myself and where I still struggle with things. As I look back I am mostly happy with things I have done and as I look ahead I am excited for what it is to come. Sometimes it is a little scary to go into the future so blindly, but there is no other way to do it. Trusting yourself and taking the leap is the first step in welcoming the unknown with open arms!

CHEESE

Lately I feel as though my writing has been as crazy as a barn full of angry bees. Or something like that. My brain has been to outer space and back only to shoot back up there again. So I thought I would give myself a more structured assignment, but after a minute of thinking I realized I can't think about a topic. UNTIL...

I remembered my friend texted me this morning and told me it was National Cheese Day! Well not only did that excite me but it also made me frustrated because no one has been talking about it at all! I bet people in Wisconsin knew. But no one here was even looking forward to it. Either way I was very happy that without even knowing it I did these things:

Ate a bite of a piece of cheese as the first thing I ate this morning

Put extra cheese on my sandwich

Had one of those Ritz spreadable cheese snacks around ten when I was starving

I always knew I had a strong bond with cheese but this is something more than that. This is like a cosmic sign telling me that cheese and I are one. That I could not live without it. There is one type of cheese I do not like and I honestly feel bad about it (Swiss). I wish I liked it but I just don't.

I wish I had a story of my first love with cheese but it was surely before I even remember. I do remember thinking a hunk of butter was cheese and cutting off a huge piece and sticking it in my mouth only to quickly realize that it wasn't cheese. Too embarrassed to admit what I had just done I slowly swallowed the butter and bowed my head in shame. Or something dramatic like that. Cheese is my blame for not having a skinny butt. Cheese is my blame for the thousands of stomach aches I have endured over my lifetime. Cheese is even to blame for my lovely barf during CrossFit last week (don't worry it was in the toilet). Cheese is the reason for my newly found grocery store excitement. Now that King Soopers has cheese samples I am always excited to go for a little shopping trip.

Simply put, cheese makes me happy. So happy cheese day to all you cheesy cheese lovers out there. It is surely a great day in our nation's history.

Mmmm. Cheese.

Rolling Wheels

As my last post stated I'm not going to sit around and wait for things to happen, I'm going to take things into my own hands! I have decided along with the mundane life of subbing I needed to add a little purpose to my life. Subbing is not exactly my dream job--just trying to get connections so I can achieve my actual dream job. I am loving the laid back style of it because when I'm outta there I'm done. I don't have any work to do, but that leaves me with a little more time on my hands than I really knew what to do with. Until recently I have filled it mostly with working out and friends. Now I feel like I am filling it with something a little more that relates to what I want to really do in life--make a difference.

So first things first: i have. i give.

We are a non profit organization that is simply what is sounds like. You give what you have. If you have time you can give that, if you have hair give that, if you have blood, well gosh darn it--go and give it away! We have collected donations for various groups/organizations, put on events and gone to volunteer. Although this is not necessarily my ultimate DREAM it is a huge part of who I want to become. I want the world to grow not only for me but for people around me. I want to meet people who are giving what they have, I want to inspire others who want to do it but don't exactly know how to go about doing it. I want to be part of something bigger. Life gets busy and it is easy to get caught up in what you feel you have to do. But I have realized that it means so much more and you feel so much more full filled if you give to others. It's a new thing for me--a learning process because although I haven't been greedy with my things or my lifestyle I haven't necessarily been GIVING. So here we go the start of something that will hopefully be a huge movement someday :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-have-I-give/103863413009307
http://ihaveigive.blogspot.com/
Next thing: CrossFit Conquer

CrossFit is something different than I have ever done. I've swam my whole life, I've played (or tried to play) just about every sport out there, I've lifted, I've biked and ran and trained for a triathlon. I've skied and snowboarded, I've snowshoed and surfed and out of all of these things nothing has made me as out of breath as the 15 minutes I'm working out at CrossFit. Literally--the workouts are between six and twenty minutes but they are at such a high intensity you will find you are more tired after six minutes of a CrossFit workout than thirty on a treadmill. Recently I have gotten into this after a friend told me to try it out. I love the fact that there is a small number of people doing the same workout as me, I love that there is always a coach right there to push you when you need it. So I jumped on the CrossFit train and hopefully it will be something I see benefits from--physically and mentally. I have started to rep it to others because somehow I am now the marketing/event planner for the one near my house. Although daunting I am ready to take on this responsibility and make it so this CrossFit Conquer can grow and eventually become bigger than it even is now. This way I am able to get a workout as well as help the people who started this make it into what they envision. Again--giving what I have (time and maybe a little bit of social skills?) http://www.crossfitconquer.com/crossfit-conquer/

My true love: Writing

Now, this may seem obvious since I already have a blog. My blog is not really my passion. I mean, yes writing is my passion but this is just a soundboard for something more. Now this isn't really a new obsession and it has been put on the backboard for a long time, but I am thinking seriously about getting into some sort of writing job where I can write articles for whoever will take me. Since I have yet to really look into that, that is something that is beginning to come front and center in my brain. But my true dream is to write a book. My first idea is a book about me. I've had my doubts about this because my life isn't really the crazy jumping into the ocean off 500 foot rocks and swimming to Africa type of life--but I have had encouragement from those around me that I could write something worth reading. My strength? Humor. Well, hopefully. I could write a book about myself and make it lighthearted and funny. For the most part. There are surely things in my life that although not funny at the time, are undoubtedly hilarious now. We will have to see. So far I've only begun what may be a very long process.

In the future:
Teaching English. Obviously this is what I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I can't wait to actually get the in the classroom and explore the challenges and rewards with being a high school (or even middle school) English teacher.
Coaching swimming. This I have started on a smaller scale. I have coached summer leagues and loved it more than just about an other job I've had. Someday my dream would be to start a swim team like my old coach did and take swimmers on training trips to the beach. That is my biggest dream right now--but also one that is most far away.

Other things that should be on the list:
Scrap booking--I love it, I've started one, I got distracted and stopped. I need to finish it because it is close to my heart and my year in Japan has become a big part of me that I would like to share with anyone who will listen. http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/ (a look into Japan and other travels)

Skiing--I'm making it a goal to go up at least 20 times this season. So far I'm at three so we'll see how I do. I would really love to get those turns down so I can sail down the mountain smoothly!

Swimming--Recently I haven't been in the water just because I don't belong to a gym with a pool anymore. Plus I'm kind of in the mood to take a break from it for a little bit while I focus on other things. No doubt this will be my lifelong sport though.

Biking--Last spring/summer I really got into road biking. I love to be able to explore on my bike and even more than that I love going with others who like to bike. It's nice to get out there and enjoy the day while getting a work out. What I would LOVE is to get a mountain bike and take it up to the foothills this summer. THAT would be something I would really love to try out. It's unrealistic because I don't have the money for a bike like that but a girl can dream, right?

Traveling: This is something I know I will love the rest of my life. Whether it be to the mountains or across the world, traveling is something that sets me free. I have been so fortunate to go visit friends in Boston, New York, Oregon, Connecticut, and St. Kitts as well as experience the beauty of Florida, North Carolina, San Diego, Hawaii, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Belize, Canada and Australia. Even road trips to places like North Dakota have appealed to me because it is something new and exciting. I have a list of the places I want to go and the things I want to do and although it is expensive if you really want something you can do it. My future plans involve teaching abroad again, this time during the summer somewhere in Europe. A lot of international schools hire for about an eight week period and this is something I would love to do. And way down the line, maybe in five years, I want to go to Africa for part of the summer. I want to spend a good amount of time over there doing what I can to help out. I know this is an expensive and far off goal, but I know that if I put it in my head I will be able to achieve it someday.

Closer goals involve:
Fight for Air http://www.lungusa.org/pledge-events/co/denver-climb/
Running a 5k
Training for a triathlon
Planning for a big event with i have. i give. at the end of the SUMMA!
Definitely go white water rafting at some point this summer

PLUS...
Writing more
Hanging out with my brother (even if he doesn't want to hang out with me)
Sending more mail to those who live oh so far
Exploring my area more
Working as much as possible
Applying for jobs (that should be number one on the list)
Calling my grandma more
Seeing people I don't see that much more
Keeping in touch with people far away
Cooking more
Planning a theme party or two :)

Whew! I have A LOT to do now that I look at it. Sheesh. I better get started on something. We'll take one step at a time and I will go update my resume right now and re-submit it to the school district that needs it. Then I can get going on just about everything I just listed.

Time to get those wheels rolling!

Blog Barf

Every one to three minutes a new song pops into my head. Here has been the last ten minutes:

1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)

So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:

1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.

So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.

So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.

The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.

It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.

Try again.

OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply

I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.

That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.

I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.

So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.

PERIOD.

Can you Belize it?

Short of Breath

I think there should be a condition for the feeling you get at the end of a really great vacation. Like post-vacation depression. It should be a medical condition in which the only cure is more vacation! I guess the problem would be never really be solved then, but I still think the feeling should at least be acknowledged.

Today is technically my first non vacation day although I didn't get any sub calls because people don't want a sub on the first day back. So I guess I'm still on vacation! Yet this vacation seems worlds away from the one I was only just two short weeks ago.

I have ventured to the Caribbean and Central America and back to the Rocky Mountains since then and like all wonderful vacations I never wanted it to end. The weather, the people, the food and the ocean are all things I could get used to down there--it was truly beautiful in so many ways. I tried and figure out what I did to deserve 16 days in paradise as I sat on the beach one day listening to the distant motor of a boat and the palm trees that flapped together sounding like bird's wings. The beauty overwhelmed me and in certain moments of life it can actually take your breath away. I know it's happened to me several times just on this trip.

My first short of break experience was when we hiked to the top of a volcano rim where you felt as though you could taste the view it was so abundantly luscious. We sat in the clouds that day listening to our voices bounce off the tree tops and eventually fade away into the memory of the earth. Later we ran back down the mountain splashing up the rich Caribbean mud created from the rain that began to fall right as we made our way back. This time it was our laughter that echoed through the trees. My breath was taken away once again when I swam through a school of bright yellow-tailed snappers and down into a ship resting at its grave. Soon after I watched as two of my friends beamed through their regulators after they agreed to get married thirty feet underwater, proving that true love can happen anywhere even without words filling the air. My breath was taken away once again by the sheer awesomeness of the sky and the many different roles it can play. Sunsets and sunrises never failed to amaze me as I would watch the sky blushing from a light pink to a deep magenta. Clouds rolled in and out harnessing the colors to create even more of a spectacle. At night the starts were so plentiful and so bright I felt as though this must be some kind of far off dream--for nothing is this deeply pure in real life. From the glowing rich colors of the fish and coral to the blazing sky to the warm ocean breeze to the hot sun on my body to the ancient ruins of a mysterious culture, to the the rich, tropical jungle, to the smiles of the people I love around me, my appreciation for life and its beauty never stopped growing. It is hard now to believe that I was thinking all this as I sat on the beach as I type in my sweatshirt while there is snow resting on my doorstep right outside. It is also hard to believe that I didn't need some sort of figurative CPR for all the times my breath was taken away!

Some moments you just want to bottle up and keep for a day where nothing seems to be going your way. Some moments you wish you could replay like a video and watch. Some moments you just want to keep that feeling forever. Yet you cannot live in a moment forever, for it is one of times cruelties. The next best thing is keeping that moment's memory alive and a part of you. Sharing the passion you felt, projecting your happiness and just realizing that life itself is just one of these moments on top of another. And a realization like that just might take your breath away :)

Don't Worry About A Thing

Why do we worry about the things that are completely out of our control? It's maddening to me, really. I wish if it popped into my head I could do what Dumbledore does and remove it from my brain with my wand and put it in a huge, swirling vat of other discarded thoughts. I think his are more memories and I don't think he really forgets them completely, but I wish I could. Life would be easier. Not like it's extremely hard now but it would be more carefree. I don't know if worrying accomplishes anything--if it does please tell me what. Since I think it doesn't right now I wish this for everyone with daily worries. Does it create empathy? Does it create a stronger bond if you are worrying for someone? Or stronger feelings since you realize that if you are worried for another it means you care?

Of course you are going to worry about the ones you love if they are doing things that involve risk. Maybe it's a coming of age thing. You begin to worry about others as you grow and mature. Or maybe it's just a personal thing--some people just worry, others just don't. It could be as simple as that. Of course all parents worry. Even if you aren't a worrier by nature, have a kid and you are bound to worry, it's inevitable. The thing that is bothering to me with regards to worry is that just about everything that I worry about is not even in my control. I mean it is so out of my control that there would be nothing I could do to make it in my control. Of course, in my somewhat selfish state, just about everything relates back to how it effects me. Which is also a bit bothering. Take for instance one of my biggest worries: loneliness. It's not something I think of everyday but it is something I do thing about. And fret about. And then begin to worry about. What if I end up alone? What if I have no choice in the matter? What if I never fall in love? What if no one ever falls in love with me? What if this. What if that. And THAT is completely out of my control. There is literally nothing I can do about that. I mean, sure I can go on eharmony.com or match.com or something like that but sometimes I feel like I would just be forcing love at that point. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. At this point I'm not that desperate. I think they are great hubs for meeting people and I think it is a cool thing, I just feel that's not really me. I am really bad with that kinda thing anyway. I don't like going on awkward first dates because it seems to me that it's just strange that it's the fact that you are interested in being with this person you don't really know. I would rather get to know someone first and then become friends and THEN maybe go on a date. That in itself can create problems as well. Nothing I feel like going into at this point--its been on my mind for way too long as it is, but I'll just leave it at that. Problems are created from friends turning into something more. Period.

With all this worrying I have to have the voice of reason come into my head and say there is TIME. But then the worried voice comes back and replies "isn't there?" And then a tangent of thoughts comes and I can't be sure there is too much time or not enough. It is so out of anyones control that it almost becomes this scary unknown to me. It baffles me as it always has and always will--the unsolved mystery of life. Is it with us or against us? Do we have too much or not enough? I guess it is each person's own battle and what they think their time is worthy of or if it is used or wasted, spent or lost. I look at an old person and think "I bet it foes by so fast, we have to live each day with meaning and purpose. I can't waste time, I need to get started so I am not left regretting when it is too late" whereas someone else might look at an old person and think "we have so much time. I'm so young and I have so many years ahead of me to figure things out". Funny how we view the same thing so differently. Funny how it is against us and with us all at the same TIME. As I've said before, it is a theme of my writings, yet it can never truly be explained, solved or concluded. I circle the topic like a vulture who circles a carcass, I take small bites at the question, but I can never really make a sound argument one way or the other. I guess it seems silly to talk or write or think about something if there is no real answer or closure, but I can't help but just wonder. One of life's many mysteries!

Another of life's mysteries is how the heck do they get all that flavor packed into just one cheez-it?? It's unbelievable! Or how did people know you could grind coffee beans and make a drink that flows through your blood and wakes you up!! And who came up with the great idea of an ugly sweater party? How hilarious! What a great idea. I wonder what year it was invented and who was the first to start it?

I'm actually helping host one this week. The non-profit group I am a part of is thanking the people who have helped us come so far by throwing a big bash for all to celebrate the holiday season. And then I am off to the Caribbean. Amazing how time really does fly. It seemed like so long ago when I bought the ticket. Now, well, here it is. So here I go, off to St. Kitts late Friday night and I will be swimming in the ocean, exploring, hiking, running and relaxing on the island. I will go scuba diving, surfing and climbing. I will tan and read and enjoy rum punch. I will do everything a vacation is for. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I will leave the tropics of the Caribbean and head to Belize to spend another week on the beach scuba diving, cave tubing, ruin exploring, eating and drinking with my family. For these weeks I won't have a care in the world. I can relax knowing I don't have to WORRY about a THING. What a terrible way to spend my Christmas vacation. I don't think things could get any worse :)

Sometimes I wish I could just hug life.

Small Brains

Recently, I have found myself thinking I wish there was a size that was smaller than small. But the only reason I think that is because I never drink my entire coffee and I always order a small. Then I could pay less because I'm drinking less. I think that's the only thing I have ever wished was smaller than small. It would be cute to have smaller things--especially giraffes. They are so cute when they are small. And puppies. And even kitties. I guess most things are cute when they are smaller. Besides kids--they LOOK cute but watch out, they're deceiving little devils. I guess I only say that now because I have been teaching a rowdy group of sixth graders for the past three days. You think an 11 year old really couldn't do that much damage. But then put 30 of them in a room together and h o l y m o t h e r. Let's just say I can wait to have my own classroom for now. Although the kids act a bit different around a sub. Let's hope.

A lot has been going on recently and I found myself in awe that it is already November. Wasn't it just August? Such is life lately and although I am by no means complaining, I am amazed at how you can get sucked into the whirlwind of it all. There has been something going on literally EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and I must say, I love it. I just wish it would go by slower. With Book Club, Bible Study, i have. i give., kickball, hopefully joining a new swim team as well as the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, I don't have much time to get bored. Which is great, I just need to be sure to leave some time for self reflection. I have also been thinking a lot about writing and feeling like since I don't have a full time job right now I should really make this more of a priority. I am planning on looking into some places I would be able to write to and maybe get published with an article someday. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease.

My life has permanently shifted. I have felt myself being pulled in all directions and I decided to choose one and go with it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pulled from my chest and the only thing I can do is follow it. I am an emotional person and now matter how much I wish it wasn't, most of the time I will always go with how I feel rather than what I am thinking. Feelings for me are something much deeper, much stronger and just much MORE than the logic that goes on in my head. Usually, if my feelings are being a bit silly I just try and keep them at bay but they never really go away. I feel as though I can express myself fully when I am acknowledging them full-heatedly. Lately, even with all of the wonderful things that are filling my heart, making me feel "full", I can't help but think there is a giant hole at the bottom where it is all just draining out. I know I am greedy but I want more. Or I would like to find a way to patch that nasty hole. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease. Despite my current bitterness I still have a little bit of hope underneath everything else. I also know that my vagueness is at an all time high in this paragraph :)


With the holidays just around the bend I can't help but feel excited. I'm actually feeling conflicting emotions considering I'm going to be on the beach for Christmas. Now, I'm definately not complaining, but it will be different from the white Christmas I am used to. I guess I was in Thailand two years ago and it never gets cold there. I think at that point I was just happy to finally be with my family.

This year I will probably be even happier when I am scuba diving in the Caribbean. There is nothing like SCUBA diving. It is the most free, weightless and amazed I have ever felt. The water does that too me, though. It has this overpowering effect that I could never truly describe in words.


Although it may not seem like it from this post, but I really do have a brain. It's just not here right now and I can't find it since it's missing. It's all a vicious circle really. Enjoy the brainless writing :)

Dancing with Death

The other night we talked about death. We talked about our fears, our thoughts on what happens after our bodies have had enough of this world. We talked about what we believed this after world to look like. We talked about if we were afraid, if we would be ready, if there was anything at all to be ready for. Now, this may sound morbid, but why? Why does this topic always have to be so hush hush? I feel like it is viewed as this "do not enter" zone of conversation. But why can't we go in? Have a look around? Explore the inevitable? Why can't we learn more about this? Can't we learn to look at is as not this dreaded Ultimate End, but just simply as a part of life? Can't we focus on being prepared for the inevitable? Too many people are frightened to death of the unknown, but what good will that fear really do? Why not be excited for it? I'm not saying get out the calendar and start marking off the days until you're taking a dirt nap for the rest of eternity, but why not just pass in peace?

My intentions with death would be to die ready and non-remorseful. I guess I don't have much of a say in it. I will die when it is my time to die, but I want to make sure I truly and completely lived with every breath I was given and give every last breath to life. As I have written before--the true miracle is that we are even here in the first place. For the time being I will relish in that.

At this age it is somewhat of a strange thing to be thinking about, but I do wonder how people who know they are going to die really feel. And how they go about feeling peaceful. Knowing the people they left behind will be ok, knowing they have done all they could to make their lives and the lives around them full, knowing that it is just all part of the circle of life. I think that coming to grips and really harnessing that thought would be something that could potentially take your whole life just to conquer. Is anyone truly and completely ready? One of my friends said something that struck me deeply, what about the people we leave behind? How do you deal with that? Then I began thinking and a furious tangent of thoughts came to my head I was not able to push away. What if we regretted missing out on them? On their lives? On our relationship with them? On what we could have done for them? How could we ever feel ready to go in peace when we were sad about all of that? How could they let us go if they felt that way too? I guess that is why people cry at funerals. I guess that is why death is so profoundly tragic. Because so many people are so sure they will never see that person again. They will never feel what they felt around that person again. That is what makes you weep as their body--this body you have grown to love--is nothing but cold matter being put into the ground. But then, against what might feel like overwhelming odds, the strength of faith can press through. Faith is telling us that this body had really nothing to do with the person inside of it. Faith is telling us there is much more than what meets the eye. Sure, our bodies stand to tell what we have done or been through, but it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with this person. At this point you can choose to know that's that. There is nothing else, you will never see them again, life will never be the same. Or you can choose to think that you know their spiritual self has gone on and that someday yours too will meet up with them. That this is not the end of the road, it is just a part of the road. Free will is one of our many wonderful traits as human beings, so I guess that is just one of the things that you use it for. To go on or not. I say, whatever helps you sleep at night. Believe what you want, I'm not one to judge. All I know is that the relationships we make on this earth could possibly determine them for after this earth. For the white marshmallow land as I like to envision it. I also think that just because some believe that relationships might go on past our time on planet Earth doesn't mean time should be wasted just because you think there might be endless amounts of it. There's my advice of the day. Use your free will to do what you want with that.

All this death talk makes me want to have a good old fashioned dance party. There's nothing like feeling alive after a dance party! Now that I have my very own apartment I can dance all day. It's amazing I haven't taken full advantage of that yet. Well, looks like I know what I'll be doing Friday afternoon! TGIF!

Ice Cream Friends

Today is a beautiful October day. I know because I went outside a few times for a few minutes. I was actually very grateful the whole walk from my car to Barns and Noble. And even just as grateful on my jaunt back. And then I felt like I had really taken advantage of the day while I walked from my car back into the school I was subbing at. Sarcasm aside, I really was glad though, as I walked into the bookstore, because I thought about the day I do have a real job "planning" hour will actually mean planning. Not finding the closest coffee shops where I can read or write. So even though I might have enjoyed yesterday a little more (swimming outside, laying in the lawn chair, talking a walk down the street), today can still be enjoyed because of other things I can do. I need to realize just because I can't be outside every second of everyday doesn't mean that day was a waste. It is what you do with your time that makes the day worthwhile.

When I first started student teaching I remember thinking I had committed myself to a life of imprisonment. I remember looking in the teacher's lunch room and thinking oh my gosh, how depressing. I remember gazing longingly outside while the students played basketball simply wishing I could enjoy the day on the other side of the wall. After time went on I began to think less and less of being outside (maybe because it was winter...) and more and more about the students and the teachers around me. Soon the lunch room was not depressing, but a place where I could rest for just a little bit before the next rowdy class filtered into my room. A place where I could vent about the what stupid thing Billy did that day or laugh with the other teachers. I have hope that real teaching one day will be like this. I will not look in teachers' offices and grimace at the time they spend in there everyday while I go out into the world, but rather I will enjoy being with my colleagues in the dimly lit office eating my smashed turkey sandwich. And even on days where the sun shines warmly and beckons me to go outside, I will remember I have the whole entire summer off. That will make it all worth it. I hope.

I can't complain before I even get a job, plus my dear friend Ashley did bring up a good point. She reminded me that teachers get done with school around three. So even if I had loads of work to do and I spent two hours at school doing it, I would still be getting finished around the same time as normal people do. It's all perspective here. Plus, it's not about me, right? It's all about the students. It is hard for me to think of that now because I only have 'pretend someday students', but when the time comes, I will have real live students. Hopefully doing something else will be the last thing on my mind. As hard as I know it will be, I look forward to that day.

On a complete side note, does anyone else feel guilty when eating ice cream alone but when you go with someone else its totally fun and carefree? And you feel somehow the calories don't count?? Just thinking about ice cream a lot lately but I won't go alone because the one time I went alone it scarred me with everlasting guilt. I guess I'll have to make some friends :)

Speaking of friends, I have definitely been blessed, honored--whatever you want to call it, with some winners. Obviously I think they are winners otherwise I would not associate with them. Without them I would not be part of the book club I love or the Bible Study I find so intriguing or the non-profit I am so inspired by. I would not have a kickball game to look forward to every Sunday, and exciting plan every weekend night or anyone to ride my bike, run, walk, ski or dance with. I would not spend as many hours talking, learning, laughing, eating or simply enjoying. I would not have travel bug skittering through my veins, I would not be making the transition from the world of just me to everyone else as smoothly as I feel I am. Don't get me wrong, it takes time, but I'm not sure I would have even started that transition or seen how badly I really needed it. Bottom line I would not be happy like I am, I would not be challenged like I am, I would not be like. I. Am. Period. So thanks, friends for making me a better, more improved, little less selfish ME. Maybe one of them would like to go to ice cream with me? Or maybe, since I am transitioning, ice cream ON me! Now who could resist that?!

Freedom