With change comes growth, undoubtedly, every time. In the end, what are we if we don't grow? What are we if we cannot come out stronger from the struggle of change? What are we if we cannot amaze ourselves with our ability to truly live. What are we if it doesn't phase us, confuse us or just rattle us straight to the core? Of course the past is comforting because we have been there--for it is all we know. Of course the future is frightening because the unknown is always that way. And of course we feel the pangs of leaving behind something familiar, something so comfortable. But with those pangs of hurt, confusion, despair come new ones of exploration, growth, confidence, fulfillment. With it comes the pieces that help make you who you are, that make you more complete, more real, more ready to give back and be able to look in the mirror at someone who you can be completely and utterly proud of. Everyone has the ability to do more than they think they can. The human potential is limitless and we have so much to offer one another. I just need to remember this myself, remember that I can be more than I even imagine my best self as. I can walk tall and take the memories I've had with me as a testament of where I've been, and keep an open mind as a testament to where I am going. This journey of life can be what you make it, but if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't realize it's beauty it will not be what it was intended to be. And it can be the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The Journey to Beauty
With change comes growth, undoubtedly, every time. In the end, what are we if we don't grow? What are we if we cannot come out stronger from the struggle of change? What are we if we cannot amaze ourselves with our ability to truly live. What are we if it doesn't phase us, confuse us or just rattle us straight to the core? Of course the past is comforting because we have been there--for it is all we know. Of course the future is frightening because the unknown is always that way. And of course we feel the pangs of leaving behind something familiar, something so comfortable. But with those pangs of hurt, confusion, despair come new ones of exploration, growth, confidence, fulfillment. With it comes the pieces that help make you who you are, that make you more complete, more real, more ready to give back and be able to look in the mirror at someone who you can be completely and utterly proud of. Everyone has the ability to do more than they think they can. The human potential is limitless and we have so much to offer one another. I just need to remember this myself, remember that I can be more than I even imagine my best self as. I can walk tall and take the memories I've had with me as a testament of where I've been, and keep an open mind as a testament to where I am going. This journey of life can be what you make it, but if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't realize it's beauty it will not be what it was intended to be. And it can be the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Still Filling...
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Feeding My Soul
So when someone says, your soul is hungry, what do you feed it? Do you know the answer? I now know mine:
I feed it a good, real, deep conversation--something that gets to the root of someone. I feed it a rich dose of writing, the kind that digs at you, challenges you, and makes you feel accomplished when you're finally finished. I feed it the outdoors--nature at its purest. Sunny skies, quiet serenity. I feed it a real, I love you so much kind of hug. I feed it diving into someone's eyes, getting lost within them. I feed it deep down belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and leaves you feeling full. I feed it exploration, finding something that moves the core of you. I feed it heart pounding love. I feed it the wind wipping through my hair, sun on my skin, running through a field kind of breathlessness. I feed it the smell of fresh soil, the sight of flowers poking their way through. I feed it the waft of a burger on the grill on a comfortable summer night, the company of loved ones all around. I feed it music that makes it dance and sway, cradling it gently in its comfortable melodies. I feed it capturing a perfect moment and harnessing that feeling to bring out when it is heavy. I feed it a good, real and truly touching book. Something that can never leave your mind. Something that shapes your thought. I feed it the touch of someone's hand, the smile from someone you know loves you so much it is bursting within them. I feed it water. Lots and lots of water. Water to drink and and replenish, water to dive in and refresh, water to fall down and revive. I feed it something bigger than me, than all of us, I feed it the confidence to know that it is safe within those hands. I feed it life, for there is nothing greater to feed the soul, nothing greater to know how truly nourished a soul can be within the beauty of my body, within the beauty of this earth.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Challenge
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Remix!
Bike riding season has begun again. And not just bike riding season. Baseball season is in two days, the flowers are starting to bloom, I see green grass sprouting up, I see more people out, the patios filling up on the sunny days and talk about outdoor plans had increased ten fold. Although it's not even April yet I can't help but join the spring fever that has slowly started to creep over Denver. I have a few more days of skiing in me, though so I am one foot in winter and one foot in spring as I reach towards summer. I can't be reaching too far, for I don't want to hurt myself when I get snowed on again. Colorado does do that on occasion that I must keep in mind.
With the new season brings up new goals and new inspiration for things that were long forgotten over the winter...like cleaning. I really have a lot to do. Somehow things get way too dusty way too fast. Dust usually doesn't bother me until it is piling up in corners, forming mini army of dust balls against me. Then I get a little grossed out. Besides battling dust balls, spring break is a good time for me to reorganize and revamp. I need to get geared up for job searching as well as the dreaded swim suit shopping. Hopefully with my 20 day no carbs, dairy (no cheese!), sugar or alcohol I can get a jump start on that as well as get a mental grip on food intake and health in general. Spring break is also a good time for me to relax and rejuvenate. and REmix my sound track to life. All these "re's" you would think I would really need a re-start! So here's to getting shit done, living it up and enjoying the season of rebirth!!
Friday, March 18, 2011
Limitless Potential
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
From steps behind to steps ahead
Thursday, January 20, 2011
CHEESE
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Rolling Wheels
So first things first: i have. i give.
We are a non profit organization that is simply what is sounds like. You give what you have. If you have time you can give that, if you have hair give that, if you have blood, well gosh darn it--go and give it away! We have collected donations for various groups/organizations, put on events and gone to volunteer. Although this is not necessarily my ultimate DREAM it is a huge part of who I want to become. I want the world to grow not only for me but for people around me. I want to meet people who are giving what they have, I want to inspire others who want to do it but don't exactly know how to go about doing it. I want to be part of something bigger. Life gets busy and it is easy to get caught up in what you feel you have to do. But I have realized that it means so much more and you feel so much more full filled if you give to others. It's a new thing for me--a learning process because although I haven't been greedy with my things or my lifestyle I haven't necessarily been GIVING. So here we go the start of something that will hopefully be a huge movement someday :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-have-I-give/103863413009307
http://ihaveigive.blogspot.com/

Next thing: CrossFit Conquer
CrossFit is something different than I have ever done. I've swam my whole life, I've played (or tried to play) just about every sport out there, I've lifted, I've biked and ran and trained for a triathlon. I've skied and snowboarded, I've snowshoed and surfed and out of all of these things nothing has made me as out of breath as the 15 minutes I'm working out at CrossFit. Literally--the workouts are between six and twenty minutes but they are at such a high intensity you will find you are more tired after six minutes of a CrossFit workout than thirty on a treadmill. Recently I have gotten into this after a friend told me to try it out. I love the fact that there is a small number of people doing the same workout as me, I love that there is always a coach right there to push you when you need it. So I jumped on the CrossFit train and hopefully it will be something I see benefits from--physically and mentally. I have started to rep it to others because somehow I am now the marketing/event planner for the one near my house. Although daunting I am ready to take on this responsibility and make it so this CrossFit Conquer can grow and eventually become bigger than it even is now. This way I am able to get a workout as well as help the people who started this make it into what they envision. Again--giving what I have (time and maybe a little bit of social skills?) http://www.crossfitconquer.com/crossfit-conquer/
My true love: Writing
Now, this may seem obvious since I already have a blog. My blog is not really my passion. I mean, yes writing is my passion but this is just a soundboard for something more. Now this isn't really a new obsession and it has been put on the backboard for a long time, but I am thinking seriously about getting into some sort of writing job where I can write articles for whoever will take me. Since I have yet to really look into that, that is something that is beginning to come front and center in my brain. But my true dream is to write a book. My first idea is a book about me. I've had my doubts about this because my life isn't really the crazy jumping into the ocean off 500 foot rocks and swimming to Africa type of life--but I have had encouragement from those around me that I could write something worth reading. My strength? Humor. Well, hopefully. I could write a book about myself and make it lighthearted and funny. For the most part. There are surely things in my life that although not funny at the time, are undoubtedly hilarious now. We will have to see. So far I've only begun what may be a very long process.
In the future:
Teaching English. Obviously this is what I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I can't wait to actually get the in the classroom and explore the challenges and rewards with being a high school (or even middle school) English teacher.
Coaching swimming. This I have started on a smaller scale. I have coached summer leagues and loved it more than just about an other job I've had. Someday my dream would be to start a swim team like my old coach did and take swimmers on training trips to the beach. That is my biggest dream right now--but also one that is most far away.
Other things that should be on the list:
Scrap booking--I love it, I've started one, I got distracted and stopped. I need to finish it because it is close to my heart and my year in Japan has become a big part of me that I would like to share with anyone who will listen. http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/ (a look into Japan and other travels)
Skiing--I'm making it a goal to go up at least 20 times this season. So far I'm at three so we'll see how I do. I would really love to get those turns down so I can sail down the mountain smoothly!
Swimming--Recently I haven't been in the water just because I don't belong to a gym with a pool anymore. Plus I'm kind of in the mood to take a break from it for a little bit while I focus on other things. No doubt this will be my lifelong sport though.
Biking--Last spring/summer I really got into road biking. I love to be able to explore on my bike and even more than that I love going with others who like to bike. It's nice to get out there and enjoy the day while getting a work out. What I would LOVE is to get a mountain bike and take it up to the foothills this summer. THAT would be something I would really love to try out. It's unrealistic because I don't have the money for a bike like that but a girl can dream, right?
Traveling: This is something I know I will love the rest of my life. Whether it be to the mountains or across the world, traveling is something that sets me free. I have been so fortunate to go visit friends in Boston, New York, Oregon, Connecticut, and St. Kitts as well as experience the beauty of Florida, North Carolina, San Diego, Hawaii, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Belize, Canada and Australia. Even road trips to places like North Dakota have appealed to me because it is something new and exciting. I have a list of the places I want to go and the things I want to do and although it is expensive if you really want something you can do it. My future plans involve teaching abroad again, this time during the summer somewhere in Europe. A lot of international schools hire for about an eight week period and this is something I would love to do. And way down the line, maybe in five years, I want to go to Africa for part of the summer. I want to spend a good amount of time over there doing what I can to help out. I know this is an expensive and far off goal, but I know that if I put it in my head I will be able to achieve it someday.
Closer goals involve:
Fight for Air http://www.lungusa.org/pledge-events/co/denver-climb/
Running a 5k
Training for a triathlon
Planning for a big event with i have. i give. at the end of the SUMMA!
Definitely go white water rafting at some point this summer
PLUS...
Writing more
Hanging out with my brother (even if he doesn't want to hang out with me)
Sending more mail to those who live oh so far
Exploring my area more
Working as much as possible
Applying for jobs (that should be number one on the list)
Calling my grandma more
Seeing people I don't see that much more
Keeping in touch with people far away
Cooking more
Planning a theme party or two :)
Whew! I have A LOT to do now that I look at it. Sheesh. I better get started on something. We'll take one step at a time and I will go update my resume right now and re-submit it to the school district that needs it. Then I can get going on just about everything I just listed.
Time to get those wheels rolling!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Blog Barf
1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)
So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:
1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.
So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.
So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.
The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.
It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.
Try again.
OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply
I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.
That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.
I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.
So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.
PERIOD.
Monday, January 03, 2011
Short of Breath
Today is technically my first non vacation day although I didn't get any sub calls because people don't want a sub on the first day back. So I guess I'm still on vacation! Yet this vacation seems worlds away from the one I was only just two short weeks ago.
I have ventured to the Caribbean and Central America and back to the Rocky Mountains since then and like all wonderful vacations I never wanted it to end. The weather, the people, the food and the ocean are all things I could get used to down there--it was truly beautiful in so many ways. I tried and figure out what I did to deserve 16 days in paradise as I sat on the beach one day listening to the distant motor of a boat and the palm trees that flapped together sounding like bird's wings. The beauty overwhelmed me and in certain moments of life it can actually take your breath away. I know it's happened to me several times just on this trip.
My first short of break experience was when we hiked to the top of a volcano rim where you felt as though you could taste the view it was so abundantly luscious. We sat in the clouds that day listening to our voices bounce off the tree tops and eventually fade away into the memory of the earth. Later we ran back down the mountain splashing up the rich Caribbean mud created from the rain that began to fall right as we made our way back. This time it was our laughter that echoed through the trees. My breath was taken away once again when I swam through a school of bright yellow-tailed snappers and down into a ship resting at its grave. Soon after I watched as two of my friends beamed through their regulators after they agreed to get married thirty feet underwater, proving that true love can happen anywhere even without words filling the air. My breath was taken away once again by the sheer awesomeness of the sky and the many different roles it can play. Sunsets and sunrises never failed to amaze me as I would watch the sky blushing from a light pink to a deep magenta. Clouds rolled in and out harnessing the colors to create even more of a spectacle. At night the starts were so plentiful and so bright I felt as though this must be some kind of far off dream--for nothing is this deeply pure in real life. From the glowing rich colors of the fish and coral to the blazing sky to the warm ocean breeze to the hot sun on my body to the ancient ruins of a mysterious culture, to the the rich, tropical jungle, to the smiles of the people I love around me, my appreciation for life and its beauty never stopped growing. It is hard now to believe that I was thinking all this as I sat on the beach as I type in my sweatshirt while there is snow resting on my doorstep right outside. It is also hard to believe that I didn't need some sort of figurative CPR for all the times my breath was taken away!
Some moments you just want to bottle up and keep for a day where nothing seems to be going your way. Some moments you wish you could replay like a video and watch. Some moments you just want to keep that feeling forever. Yet you cannot live in a moment forever, for it is one of times cruelties. The next best thing is keeping that moment's memory alive and a part of you. Sharing the passion you felt, projecting your happiness and just realizing that life itself is just one of these moments on top of another. And a realization like that just might take your breath away :)
Monday, December 06, 2010
Don't Worry About A Thing
Of course you are going to worry about the ones you love if they are doing things that involve risk. Maybe it's a coming of age thing. You begin to worry about others as you grow and mature. Or maybe it's just a personal thing--some people just worry, others just don't. It could be as simple as that. Of course all parents worry. Even if you aren't a worrier by nature, have a kid and you are bound to worry, it's inevitable. The thing that is bothering to me with regards to worry is that just about everything that I worry about is not even in my control. I mean it is so out of my control that there would be nothing I could do to make it in my control. Of course, in my somewhat selfish state, just about everything relates back to how it effects me. Which is also a bit bothering. Take for instance one of my biggest worries: loneliness. It's not something I think of everyday but it is something I do thing about. And fret about. And then begin to worry about. What if I end up alone? What if I have no choice in the matter? What if I never fall in love? What if no one ever falls in love with me? What if this. What if that. And THAT is completely out of my control. There is literally nothing I can do about that. I mean, sure I can go on eharmony.com or match.com or something like that but sometimes I feel like I would just be forcing love at that point. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. At this point I'm not that desperate. I think they are great hubs for meeting people and I think it is a cool thing, I just feel that's not really me. I am really bad with that kinda thing anyway. I don't like going on awkward first dates because it seems to me that it's just strange that it's the fact that you are interested in being with this person you don't really know. I would rather get to know someone first and then become friends and THEN maybe go on a date. That in itself can create problems as well. Nothing I feel like going into at this point--its been on my mind for way too long as it is, but I'll just leave it at that. Problems are created from friends turning into something more. Period.
With all this worrying I have to have the voice of reason come into my head and say there is TIME. But then the worried voice comes back and replies "isn't there?" And then a tangent of thoughts comes and I can't be sure there is too much time or not enough. It is so out of anyones control that it almost becomes this scary unknown to me. It baffles me as it always has and always will--the unsolved mystery of life. Is it with us or against us? Do we have too much or not enough? I guess it is each person's own battle and what they think their time is worthy of or if it is used or wasted, spent or lost. I look at an old person and think "I bet it foes by so fast, we have to live each day with meaning and purpose. I can't waste time, I need to get started so I am not left regretting when it is too late" whereas someone else might look at an old person and think "we have so much time. I'm so young and I have so many years ahead of me to figure things out". Funny how we view the same thing so differently. Funny how it is against us and with us all at the same TIME. As I've said before, it is a theme of my writings, yet it can never truly be explained, solved or concluded. I circle the topic like a vulture who circles a carcass, I take small bites at the question, but I can never really make a sound argument one way or the other. I guess it seems silly to talk or write or think about something if there is no real answer or closure, but I can't help but just wonder. One of life's many mysteries!
Another of life's mysteries is how the heck do they get all that flavor packed into just one cheez-it?? It's unbelievable! Or how did people know you could grind coffee beans and make a drink that flows through your blood and wakes you up!! And who came up with the great idea of an ugly sweater party? How hilarious! What a great idea. I wonder what year it was invented and who was the first to start it?
I'm actually helping host one this week. The non-profit group I am a part of is thanking the people who have helped us come so far by throwing a big bash for all to celebrate the holiday season. And then I am off to the Caribbean. Amazing how time really does fly. It seemed like so long ago when I bought the ticket. Now, well, here it is. So here I go, off to St. Kitts late Friday night and I will be swimming in the ocean, exploring, hiking, running and relaxing on the island. I will go scuba diving, surfing and climbing. I will tan and read and enjoy rum punch. I will do everything a vacation is for. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I will leave the tropics of the Caribbean and head to Belize to spend another week on the beach scuba diving, cave tubing, ruin exploring, eating and drinking with my family. For these weeks I won't have a care in the world. I can relax knowing I don't have to WORRY about a THING. What a terrible way to spend my Christmas vacation. I don't think things could get any worse :)
Sometimes I wish I could just hug life.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Small Brains
A lot has been going on recently and I found myself in awe that it is already November. Wasn't it just August? Such is life lately and although I am by no means complaining, I am amazed at how you can get sucked into the whirlwind of it all. There has been something going on literally EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and I must say, I love it. I just wish it would go by slower. With Book Club, Bible Study, i have. i give., kickball, hopefully joining a new swim team as well as the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, I don't have much time to get bored. Which is great, I just need to be sure to leave some time for self reflection. I have also been thinking a lot about writing and feeling like since I don't have a full time job right now I should really make this more of a priority. I am planning on looking into some places I would be able to write to and maybe get published with an article someday. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease.
My life has permanently shifted. I have felt myself being pulled in all directions and I decided to choose one and go with it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pulled from my chest and the only thing I can do is follow it. I am an emotional person and now matter how much I wish it wasn't, most of the time I will always go with how I feel rather than what I am thinking. Feelings for me are something much deeper, much stronger and just much MORE than the logic that goes on in my head. Usually, if my feelings are being a bit silly I just try and keep them at bay but they never really go away. I feel as though I can express myself fully when I am acknowledging them full-heatedly. Lately, even with all of the wonderful things that are filling my heart, making me feel "full", I can't help but think there is a giant hole at the bottom where it is all just draining out. I know I am greedy but I want more. Or I would like to find a way to patch that nasty hole. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease. Despite my current bitterness I still have a little bit of hope underneath everything else. I also know that my vagueness is at an all time high in this paragraph :)
With the holidays just around the bend I can't help but feel excited. I'm actually feeling conflicting emotions considering I'm going to be on the beach for Christmas. Now, I'm definately not complaining, but it will be different from the white Christmas I am used to. I guess I was in Thailand two years ago and it never gets cold there. I think at that point I was just happy to finally be with my family.
This year I will probably be even happier when I am scuba diving in the Caribbean. There is nothing like SCUBA diving. It is the most free, weightless and amazed I have ever felt. The water does that too me, though. It has this overpowering effect that I could never truly describe in words.
Although it may not seem like it from this post, but I really do have a brain. It's just not here right now and I can't find it since it's missing. It's all a vicious circle really. Enjoy the brainless writing :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Dancing with Death
Ice Cream Friends
When I first started student teaching I remember thinking I had committed myself to a life of imprisonment. I remember looking in the teacher's lunch room and thinking oh my gosh, how depressing. I remember gazing longingly outside while the students played basketball simply wishing I could enjoy the day on the other side of the wall. After time went on I began to think less and less of being outside (maybe because it was winter...) and more and more about the students and the teachers around me. Soon the lunch room was not depressing, but a place where I could rest for just a little bit before the next rowdy class filtered into my room. A place where I could vent about the what stupid thing Billy did that day or laugh with the other teachers. I have hope that real teaching one day will be like this. I will not look in teachers' offices and grimace at the time they spend in there everyday while I go out into the world, but rather I will enjoy being with my colleagues in the dimly lit office eating my smashed turkey sandwich. And even on days where the sun shines warmly and beckons me to go outside, I will remember I have the whole entire summer off. That will make it all worth it. I hope.
I can't complain before I even get a job, plus my dear friend Ashley did bring up a good point. She reminded me that teachers get done with school around three. So even if I had loads of work to do and I spent two hours at school doing it, I would still be getting finished around the same time as normal people do. It's all perspective here. Plus, it's not about me, right? It's all about the students. It is hard for me to think of that now because I only have 'pretend someday students', but when the time comes, I will have real live students. Hopefully doing something else will be the last thing on my mind. As hard as I know it will be, I look forward to that day.
On a complete side note, does anyone else feel guilty when eating ice cream alone but when you go with someone else its totally fun and carefree? And you feel somehow the calories don't count?? Just thinking about ice cream a lot lately but I won't go alone because the one time I went alone it scarred me with everlasting guilt. I guess I'll have to make some friends :)
Speaking of friends, I have definitely been blessed, honored--whatever you want to call it, with some winners. Obviously I think they are winners otherwise I would not associate with them. Without them I would not be part of the book club I love or the Bible Study I find so intriguing or the non-profit I am so inspired by. I would not have a kickball game to look forward to every Sunday, and exciting plan every weekend night or anyone to ride my bike, run, walk, ski or dance with. I would not spend as many hours talking, learning, laughing, eating or simply enjoying. I would not have travel bug skittering through my veins, I would not be making the transition from the world of just me to everyone else as smoothly as I feel I am. Don't get me wrong, it takes time, but I'm not sure I would have even started that transition or seen how badly I really needed it. Bottom line I would not be happy like I am, I would not be challenged like I am, I would not be like. I. Am. Period. So thanks, friends for making me a better, more improved, little less selfish ME. Maybe one of them would like to go to ice cream with me? Or maybe, since I am transitioning, ice cream ON me! Now who could resist that?!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sinking Chairs
Of course we all know that brevity isn't really my forte so why should I make it that way now? That would just be plain silly. Speaking of plain silly, isn't it funny how we always realize how important something was after it has already gone or been lost or broken? Take for instance this lovely little red desk chair I have owned for so many years. It's a nice chair--not the most comfortable, I find skyping in it for hours makes me antsy--but it's still nice. The other day I began to finally appreciate it because it could actually roll around now that I have hardwood floors. That was thrilling to me. I was showing my friends this thrilling new excitement just that day. Later I thought it would be also thrilling to show my friend on skype how I can make it go down really fast. Now, this is nothing new in the world of chairs but watching my head suddenly drop in the camera was amusing to both of us. So I did a few times for a few laughs. Naturally. After doing this a few times the chair sunk. And then it never went back to it's full height again. Just like that. Just as I was starting to really appreciate it. Just as I was starting to really take notice of all of it's great qualities, now, every time I sit in it, I am quickly reminded of it's flaws and more annoyingly, my stupidity. It is also extremely inconvenient especially when I'm typing. And I look really dumb all low in my chair.
Ok, I'm finished with my chair rant. But isn't that just the garbage monster's pajamas? I thought so too. On the other side of the spectrum I had a delightful day of some of my favorite things--swimming, lifting, biking, eating, more eating, movie watching and in a little, seeing some friends.
As I end this post because of lack of brain function, I have but one question:
Have you ever seen an elephant play a violin? Cause I did.
Friday, October 08, 2010
"There are endless possibilities to the human spirit"
Running around the park I cannot help but be humbled by the sheer beauty of nature. The next day I once again felt that way as I was swimming. The cool water rushed past me as I quickly moved my arms behind me. Since I was swimming backstroke I had a clear view of the fast-moving clouds with the sun peaking through. Suddenly a large flock of black birds scattered across the sky, looking like tiny chocolate chips spilling out of the bag. I am always thankful for outdoor swimming :)
I often wonder what life would be like if I were born somewhere else or someone else. Although impossible, that thought almost always floors me every time. I try to imagine living in a state or country I visit or see on TV. I even think about what it would be like to be a certain person--someone I see driving, I think "where are they going? What are they thinking right now?". Whether it be just my friend down the street, a teacher in Japan, a doctor in India or even the President I wonder what a day in their shoes is like. I think the reason I am so baffled by it all is because it is virtually impossible to truly feel a life that is not yours. You can even be with someone in their every walk of life--spend all day with them and still not even come close to how they perceive and experience the same things you are. Naively or maybe more so, ignorantly, I often wish I could live multiple lives so I could compare, just so I could understand. I honestly think understanding another person is the only way we can truly begin to create a wold of tolerance, acceptance and peace.
I sound like a big time hippy right now, but there are just a lot of jerks out there who can only wrap their head around themselves and what they want. Most likely not even that. It becomes nothing but temporary satisfaction and then it is not hard to get lost within the confusion of all of THIS. Just like this post is beginning to do.
All I'm trying to say here is hug a tree, read a book, ride your bike without your hands, sweat like you mean it, dance until you're breathless, indulge in something refreshing, learn the world and then teach the world, and of course eat lots of delicious cheeses.
That's all I'm trying to say, really. With that, go fourth and do good.
From the Journey Behind to the Journey Ahead
Day two was an 8 hour stretch and now that we were road tripping pros we only stopped twice the whole way through the Midwest. Our diet was top notch--all of the five star restaurants we could find--Dairy Queen, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, McD's, Starbucks, Steak and Shake. Really high quality places and you can imagine how good we felt after such feasts! I've never looked better. Our second night we stayed in a small town right off the highway in Ohio. We felt they were quite friendly as we passed through Wood County onto Cummings Road. I could tell this was gonna be a real stand up place. As soon as I walked into the room I knew I was right. They did not disappoint in Milan, Ohio. In the corner of the room was a giant, pink "whirlpool" tucked neatly in the corner. Oh, and did I mention this was the corner of the BEDROOM? Upon seeing such a surprise I did what you should expect me to do--cheer while I ran to grab my swim suit (I knew it would need it for something!). I figured I might as well take advantage of amazing relaxation while I could. Lauren was weirded out as any normal person would be, but she was a good sport and took a picture of me in this wonderful whirlpool to post on the worldwide web. I've never had the extreme luxury of watching TV in my own private hotubbathwhirlpool so taking advantage of that was surely a memory I will never forget. It was the perfect treat to relax after a tiring day of sitting.
The next day was our final stretch into the great wilderness and I have to say this day was my favorite. Getting out of the Midwest could have done it for me on its own but to top it off was the amazing scenery. It was as if the weather knew the state boarder line because almost immediately upon arriving in Pennsylvania the clouds parted and displayed hundreds of thousands of brilliantly beautiful multi-colored trees so crowded together it looks as though they were stacked one on top of the other. I tried to capture the majesty of this picturesque scene but my little Kodak camera did not do it a bit of justice. I felt like there should have been really inspirational road trip montage-like music as we drove to create even more awe with the breathtaking visions around us. We passed from a luscious and enchanting Pennsylvania into a rockier New Jersey then into a densely populated New York and finally into Stamford, Connecticut, Lauren's new home sweet home. All with the help of the AAA guidebook and our dear friend, Garney (yes, we named the GPS). Exhausted and relieved we made our way into Lauren and Brett's new apartment. It's hard for me to imagine what this would be like--going to an unknown place, walking into an apartment you have never seen that is your new home and starting a life with the person you love. I'm not in the place right now—no where close to it really, but being there made me me see what it would be life. It made me realize that in some distant way I'm excited for all of that. But until then I was really excited for them! So we wasted no time in setting up house and trying to make these empty rooms into a home. We ran crazy errands--lots of Target trips, Wal-Mart, the mall, the store. They bought stuff and lots of it and we were quick to put it in its rightful place. We explored town, took walks, tasted the local eateries, and even built a neat little desk and enjoyed a brew at a local bar. It was fun to see a glimpse of what their lives are going to be like and I was glad she let me be a part of it. But after almost a week it was time for me to shake the dust off my small town boots and put on my big city city shoes to stir things up in the Big Apple.
I took the express train from Stamford to New York and then the subway to meet my old pal, Alex. As soon as I got there, there was no mistaking it--I was definitely in New York City. It was almost a culture shock from the small town I was in just an hour ago. Since this was my second time visiting the familiars of the place all came rushing back along with my love for it. It's hard not to fall in love with a place like NYC, it’s hip and exciting, fast and fashionable, loud and dirty and you are constantly stimulated by everything around you. Maybe I don't know myself well enough, but I couldn't tell if I could live in a place like that. I don't know if central park would cure my outdoorsy itch or if I would miss the wilderness. I don't think I could live there forever, but maybe for a while in my young years. In all honestly I don't see myself moving there anytime soon so I don't think I even need to worry about it, but it is a vision that I think of sometimes. I couldn't get enough of it--the sights--especially the people, the smells, the vibe. It’s just so, well simply put, cool. The "ultimate melting pot experiment" as Alex's friend, Julian, put it. Throw together all types of people from all sorts of backgrounds all over the world-- construct a giant concrete jungle and tell them all to go play. Now, it’s not the nicest of play grounds but even with their disputes they seem to have some unspoken way of how they all can "get along". They don't always play nice and they aren't afraid to express themselves (yelling, honking...) but it seems to work for them and it works magic on me every time.
After Alex and I debriefed and caught up we wined and dined at a delicious pizza place not far from his apartment on the lower east side. We met his pal Julian for a few drinks afterwards and after reading the actual scripts from SNL (Julian works there) we decided to call it a relatively early night. Well, at least for New York standards.
Friday was spent walking which was what I wanted to do anyway. I just needed to take it all in. Julian and I went to the financial district and got to see the famous Wall Street and that huge bull that everyone loves so damn much. We walked to Battery Park to get a somewhat foggy view of good old Lady Liberty and a very clear view of Spongebob Squarepants himself. We meandered to and outdoor food/shopping pier to meet Alex and his co-worker for lunch before heading to Brooklyn Bridge. I snapped some pictures of the city and the water around us, yet the camera did not to the magnificent city justice. Once again. It was a hot and muggy day so around five we decided to head back to the apartment after grabbing some delicious gelato from "El Labratorio"--a past favorite for me. We relaxed until we decided to head back out--this time across town to meet New York local and long time friend of Alex's, Tomas. Alex and I hopped on the subway and took the long ride across town, stopping once for a quick Chipotle fix. From there (and after watching a chunk of one of my favorite flicks--Slumdog Millionaire) we hit up a few bars back near Alex's place and danced deep into the night. The End. Just kidding, that just sounded really corny. But it really was deep into the night--clubs and bars shut down around 3:30 or 4 in the morning--just the time I would normally be actually falling asleep from a night out. So you can imagine after closing, the loitering, the eating of hot dogs, bedtime is almost at sunrise. Gotta love it.
Saturday we got up at the ungodly hour of noon and made our way to a bar to watch the BC football team get stomped since Alex and Tomas are such good alumni. Afterwards Alex and I walked around taking our time, stopping to sit on a bench to listen to some jam band from Oregon if just lazily relax in the park, basking in the mid afternoon sun. We walked up to Times Square and weaved our way through the masses before meeting up with one of his friends for a drink. Later we feasted on Indian good--a taste that has been missing from my life since Japan. It was a good reunion for my taste buds. After we showered and watched the Rockies win we took a cab to Brooklyn for an apartment fiesta with Tomas and his brother.
Now, this was no normal apartment gathering. From the outside it looked pretty nice and quiet but when we went in the fancy elevators and slick floors made me think this was not just any old apartment. When we got to this guy's place we were greeted by friends of theirs and offered too much food. There was a living room with bedrooms on each side with a big window that opened up to a nice view. But it was up the swirly staircase that was really the amazing view. He had a deck that overlooked all of Manhattan and at that time of night it was absolutely brilliant. The cameras we had didn't reach the city lights so I could only hold this shot in my memory. There is just something unbelievable that something like that was built by the hand of a man. Don't get me wrong, any nature view could out-wow me compared to a city view, but the view of New York from far away is on the top of my breathtaking city views just next to Bangkok, Seoul and Tokyo.
After we had our fix of viewing, eating, drinking and chatting we took a cab back to Manhattan and hit up the clubs once again. We danced until the last possible minute the club was open and probably crawled into bed just a little before 6 am. The next day was a leisurely one, we walked around the apple street fair, eating and watching the crowds. I love street markets so I was heartedly enjoying this one. Plus the apples and apple juice were among the best I've tasted. Must be why they call it the Big Apple! I also got a very trendy NY looking hat and some nice, big, red sunglasses. Later we went to a bar and watched the Broncos lose as we battled our way through three giant plates of nachos. The part of town really came alive at night and on our walk home I was extremely entertained with the people all around us. As well as my own company, we had a great time.
Alex walked and rode with me back to Grand Central and we waited on a staircase for my train. There is a reason they call that place Grand Central--it really is grand. The ceilings are so tall that after a while I can't even really tell where they begin. They are covered with beautiful paintings that arch and turn with the curve of the building. After Alex and I said our goodbyes, I took the train back to Stamford where Lauren and Brett picked me up and took me back to their even more furnished apartment. In my absence they had an extremely productive weekend!
The next day Lauren and I just hung out before she took me to the airport that was actually in New York, but closer to CT. We had a teary hug--saying goodbye never gets any easier. This time was different because although we have somewhat become more accustomed to goodbyes, we always knew when the next time we would see each other would be. This time it is a mystery. I did feel better knowing that her journey was going to be an exciting adventure and she has been waiting a long time for this!
My journey home was a long one--a layover in Atlanta with a delayed flight and by the time I finally got home, sleep was heavy on my mind. Since then things have been a whirlwind. I started packing since I signed a lease on an apartment near wash park (!!), and I tried to get back in the swing of subbing, working out and friends. We had a game night, the last night of Denver Cruisers (ski in ski out theme) and the big weekend move. I literally spent all weekend shopping, packing and organizing to get everything moved over by Sunday. My goal was complete with the help of four of my best friends and of course my parents. By the time nine o'clock Sunday night rolled around I was comfortably sitting in my new apartment, everything put in its respected places and boxes stacked to the ceiling. My main tasks this week will be decorating and running. Lots of running. I signed up for a 10k a few months ago thinking I would be ready. Ha! Funny how time just slips away and somehow there it is--the date you thought was so far away is right in your face.
Laying in bed last night I couldn't help but just feel excited for life. It took me forever to just fall asleep because my mind wouldn't turn off. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I feel like this move finally revved my motivation into gear. The year after Japan was an interesting one and although there were times where I felt extremely stagnant and frustrated with myself, there was also growth going on that only my older self can look back and see. Japan expanded me, made me grow in unimaginable ways and just because I was home and not learning something new everyday doesn't mean that I wasn't learning at all. I was taking in the relationships around me, molding them into something that could last the rest of my life. I was learning how to deal with uncertainty and most of all learning how to know and feel good about myself. Of course I wavered, of course I lost my footing at times, but if I did not I would not be human. I feel I am in a better place now than I was six months ago and I just hope to continue to grow so I can say that six months from now.
It seems the real reason I couldn't sleep is because I cannot wait to see where the road ahead takes me. I am elated because so far it has taken me on a pretty amazing and wild ride. Now that, my friends, is a good reason for not being able to sleep!