October in Japan :)

Here I am embracing

I’m eating my nails to keep from doing something.

I am trying not to plan a pathetic lesson that no one is even going to like. Halloween right? Fun right? Probably not for these kids. Damn Japanese students, making me feel worthless.

I am hurting again. It’s just because I am thinking. Sometimes I feel like I do this to myself. Honestly, I wouldn’t be that bad if I just stayed on the surface. But nooo, I have to dig to get at the root of something that has barely begun to grow. And then it just all starts to come out. I wish I could teleport home. Just for a week. Or two. Or maybe until next year. Yeah, I will come back in January, ok Japan? Ok.

It's funny how our emotions always get the best of us. Whether we want them to or not, they will find a way to surface themselves somehow. I am trying to baby them since I know the bad feelings are on their way, just so no one sees any sort of dramatic theatrics. Not that that would happen anyway. At least with me.

So what I have been doing to basically make myself feel shitty is looking at my old blog posts and lots of old writing I have done. Now don’t get me wrong, I think that it is really good to go through your old stuff (not the trash please) and see how you have changed as a person and for me as a writer, but sometimes those nasty little nostalgic feelings become suddenly so overwhelming. I have come to grips with the past staying, well, past, but I still can’t fake the fact that sometimes I just get sad. I’m human, it happens. These past few months have taught me a lot and caused me to finally realize that our experiences all add up to LIFE. I can’t go back to a time where I felt safe because that time is passed and because of that I am not the same. Luckily we grow from experiences. So I guess what I am trying to get at is that no matter how badly you want something that was, it will never be again. So upon realization of this it is good to consider these things:
1. The future
2. But mostly
3. The present

Ok? I’m working on it. I really am. And I am doing a good job. Well, until tonight. Sometimes I just get frustrated when I see other people who shared this past life with me can move on so quickly while I sit here missing. It will always be a mystery. Am I too sensitive when it comes to memories? Can someone be too sensitive with memories?

I am not really doing a good job actually describing how I feel. The words aren’t making their way freely to my fingertips tonight. I don’t know, just some things seem like they were ages ago. Lifetimes ago and I wonder if the people who were there with me feel the same way I do about those times. Is it a bit pathetic to look back and wonder? Should I just keep on going forward? You know, never turn around? I feel like it would make things easier. But I also feel like I would lose a part of myself if I did that. Plus I have a lot of resentment for people who do that. It really urkes me.

I can’t really shake this feeling right now, so I guess I will have to live with it. Better yet, I will embrace it. Just for now.

With that being said, I miss you.
Goodnight.