I'm a little water logged from the night of diving on my face one too many times, but I thought I would give the old blog a whirl. A lot has been going on in my head lately and writing it down only makes me realize that it is no longer in my head but now it's something that needs to be done. It has become this physical thing that if not tended to can turn into a monster I need to battle. A little dramatic, I know, but I'm all for the theatrical lately. I've been very emo these past couple of weeks so I'm allowing it to continue until I start wearing dark make-up and dying my hair black. Then maybe I would need to draw the line at that.
Without going into grotesque detail about my life events I will say this; holy mother. I have been slapped in the face with a big fat IDIOT paddle. And it really hurts, Charlie. My head came unscrewed but instead of screwing it back on when I began to realize I ignored it and eventually it feel off completely. It's amazing how something has to blow up in my face for me to even realize there was a bomb waiting to explode in the first place. I saw it, I heard it ticking...I guess I just thought it would be fun to see what happens when it goes off. Well, it wasn't really fun. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Seeing that I lost my head and all. But! Don't worry, I found it and I am slowly screwing it back on. It's hard than I thought, but it needs to be done. As I said in my earlier post, running from responsibilities isn't really all its cracked up to be. I'm beginning to act like a teenage wasteland. If there were such a noun. I got pulled out of the firey inferno of pathetic existance and here I stand. Not necessairly waiting, just a little shocked I guess. But soon I will be kicked into gear and life will resume Jessicaness. Yes, that is now a word. I need to find myself in all of these falsities. I can't belive I had lost myself--this great person whom I had gotten to know and like so well for this person I had never even met. It was really sad actually, I didn't like that person at all but somehow she stuck around to reek havic on my perfect little bubble I had created for myself. And now I am left cleaning up the pieces. Good riddens, jerk! So here I am ready to climb back up the mountain and conquer it before going up the next one.
I realize there are a lot of silly metaphors in there and I don't really expect anyone to interpret what actually has been happening. I tend to circle around things a lot which I need to work on. Especially if I'm going back to school someday. See? There I go again. Anyway, I think I'm going to get a move on with things I actually really need to do rather than all these things I want to do. It's not working out how I thought. Sometimes, things you think might be a breeze actually turn out to be way too hard. I knew it was a trick! Life can't just work out everytime! Silly me, what was I thinking?
So what I am trying to say in these riddled thoughts is this: I am better than what I have been. I have so much untapped potential. As I once wrote in my journal (in very bright markers, mind you) I am brilliant, I am beautiful. Except the funniest part was that I spelled brilliant wrong. I laughed about it for a long time. If you can't laugh at yourself then just forget it. And then never told anyone until now. It feels good to get if off my chest. Even if no one reads this but me. So there it is, written down. What I had forgotten lately. Sometimes it's hard to do what you know will make you feel better in the long run for temporary satisfaction. It is also hard to ignore what your feelings say and go with what your head says. As I said, I've been emo lately so I thought going with the feelings was a good trend. I definately thought wrong. For now at least. I think there will come a day when I can freely let my feelings go and it will be worth it.
So I am moving on to bigger and better things. These things include (drumroll please):
1. Road tripping it to Connecticut and New York with my old pal and roommate (where she is moving *sad face*)
2. Moving into my OWN place :)
3. Becoming really poor
4. Trying to work a lot so I'm not living on the streets
5. Running a 10k (yuck)
6. Writing more in this here blog
7. Finishing my Japan scrapbook and getting going on my story!
8. Skipping down the street
9. Saying hello to old friends
10. And I think I'll just spend most of December on the beach. Yeah, sounds good. St. Kitts and Belize sound real nice. I can't wait. But before that I need to be deserving of a vacation. So here I go, on to do good things for my world and the world of others.
I cannot get lost within myself ever again. There is a place no one should ever go. So I'm back, ready to take on the world! Or a small, little part of it. But it's my part and that's what matters :)
Peace and love.
