Missing Already

Sometimes it just down pours for literally 30 seconds and then stops. It just did right before I started writing this and it was the fastest downpour in the history of my life. Well, maybe there was a shorter one yesterday.

The clouds today look like the clouds in the opening of "The Simpsons", so fluffy and the sky so blue behind them. Which is also confusing if it was just raining. It confuses me more to think that the blue sky can actually be BEHIND the puffy clouds. I don't think that is possible. I was also told this morning not to look at the sun on the specific days of the eclipse. Aren't you never supposed to look directly at the sun? Maybe its different in Japan. Maybe they enjoy looking at the sun. I told my teacher I would try my best not to look at it.

Well today is just another day in Japan. Except I actually had to speak Japanese in front of both of my schools to thank them for the year. Wait, wasn't I just doing that to thank them for what was to come? Wasn't I just stepping off the plane into this foreign country? How is it that I am leaving next week? I can`t really answer any of those questions--they are what we like to call rhetorical. And since these questions just spin around in my head unanswered I just put on my lucky outfit and hope for the best. Yes, I have a lucky outfit. I wore it my first day here. It did fit a lot better a year ago though. Gah, a year ago. Really? Ok I will stop with the questions. I think its all starting to hit me right now. I was hoping it would at some point. Good thing its before I go and not when I get home. Although I could picture myself sitting on my bed in my parents house just crying because I don't know what happened to my life. Just for a few minutes because that`s all I cry for. About 20 minutes a year. Minus the night I graduated, but that wasn't my fault, I blame some of the beverages I consumed that night for that long ass cry. We shan't talk of that night.

I took a picture of the office today but I don't really know why. To show people maybe? I actually pictured myself showing my grandma. "BZ, this is where I sat. For many hours". Why would one take a picture of a place they don't really like? Why would one want to remember something such as that? I guess it is a memory nonetheless. The office was the place where I spent many hours growing my ass. Gotta have a picture to place the blame. Some might think that it would be smart if I took a picture of the classroom, but I didn't spend much time in there. Don't ask why they call it teaching. They should call it ass growing. With a little teaching thrown in every odd day.

I complain, but the job was the worst part and it wasn't even that bad. Ok, yes it was. It was that bad. But the rest of everything was amazing. I am happy and sad right now. I don't really think that its possible to have two emotions at once, but somehow I have achieved the impossible! Maybe that is why my stomach hurts. I am sad to leave behind the great people of this country, but I am excited to come home to the great people of my own country. The beauty will be missed here, but the beauty at home is just as good. Well, a different kind, a more familiar kind, but I think I will be seeing it through different eyes this time around. Being away makes one appreciate home even more. Not to say the people and places are replaceable, not even close, but that is why I am happy and sad at the same time. Ultimately it is a sacrifice I have to make. For myself. It makes sense in my head, but for some reason the words are all wrong on paper. I think they might feel that way for a while to come. At least while I am feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. The English word that is most overused and poorly used in Japan is "enjoy". And "maybe". But enjoy especially. But in this case, I will have to use it full heatedly, I will just enjoy the time I have left. I will appreciate this place, this beauty and these people for one more week. I will continue to be both happy and sad. I will go home and miss it more than I even thought possible. And when it rains I will think of the 30 second downpours in Japan and miss it all over again. And that might be the time where all I can do is cry.

Spinning into Nothing

It seems that my blog has turned into more of a formal writing page than anything and because of that I have dreaded writing in it. I have decided that it is my blog damnit and I can write whatever things that come to my head no matter how insignificant and trivial. I also blame my writing set up. I have a table that is 2 feet off the ground and sitting here writing for long periods of time isn't really that comfortable. The small table however, has no negative impact on my facebooking. It's a different sitting position I tell you!

I am up later than I would like but once again, don't blame me. I'm waiting to skype with a very elusive brother of mine and and happy that tracking him down will soon come to and end. Well, not really, but now I can just call his phone until he decides to call me back. Skype is a miracle from God, but there are some days where I am just plain sick of it. I just want my friends to be there in the flesh. It looks like I will forever be stuck with the curse of not having all my friends just a drive away. Looks like it can be disguised as a blessing as well. Someday we will all gather together in a festive manner. I just hope it's before my funeral. That's usually when all the people you ever loved come to something of yours. And by then, what's the point? What a waste.

A lot has been swimming around in my head these past few days and I am not really sure what to make of all of it. I know that the confusion won't come to an end until it's too late and the clarity will be all too painful. I have less than two weeks left in the life I have known for a year and right now I feel somewhat numb to it all. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening. It is the exact feeling I felt one year ago today. Coming to Japan was just words out of my mouth or writing on a page. It meant nothing. Flying home is the same. I am too many things and it just spins around until it is nothing.

I desperately want it to mean something, then it could hit me and I could really and truly cherish every last moment I live here. But I can't shake the haze and my desperate attempts fall like ash on the ground. Each day I wake up and it's there, I have a sense of it, but then it goes away as fast as it came. I am lucky if it lasts more than a minute. Funny how that works, the primal feeling of our true selves, of our connection with ourselves the most is in that first moment of waking and then all to quickly it has disappeared. Then we just go on living our lives like every other day, not really giving it much of a second thought. Someday I hope to capture this feeling and keep it bottled up so I can use it when I need it. You can't use it all the time or you would explode from over acuteness of the senses, but it would be nice to keep the purity of your dreams and your true self for days like today when the world as you know it is about to shift again. And all you can do is sit there like a big idiot.

One time I actually kept this feeling with me for most of the day. It was probably one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. The day was nothing special--I woke up and felt lighter. I went to lunch with my friend in my tye dye pants and for some reason I could not stop laughing. I laid in the parking lot of my apartment complex and just embraced the beauty of it all. And no, I wasn't on drugs. Then I had a brilliant idea for a paper and I didn't start writing it until ten that night when it was due the next day. I didn't even go to bed that night. The next day the feeling was gone. But guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Damn straight.

I try not to think about everything too much, but with all of this time and nothing else to really think about, it keeps creeping into my head. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready and sad. I am hurting more than I thought because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to end for anyone else because I know it will never truly end for me. I will take Japan and make it part of me. That way it will be around for as long as I am. It's too much for human emotions to really grasp all at once I think. It creeps up slowly and sometimes has a sudden attack, but usually just happens and is explained as a part of life. So far I have no other explanation either.

For now I will just let it spin until the nothing finally becomes something.