LOCAL ENGLISH TEACHER CATCHES COMMON COLD
Matsubase Japan—January 29th, 2009-- Due to a series of unfortunate events, local English teacher, Jessica Dawkins, has fallen victim to the merciless and unforgiving common cold. Dawkins, 23, was reported to start showing symptoms after a weekend of utter debauchery and ridiculousness in the name of the well known "Australia Day" holiday. The cause of these symptoms is still unknown although her lack of sleep and the sharing of drinks are reported to be suspicious causes. Dawkins` friend, Lander Sims, claimed that she shared a few drinks with him at the party the previous weekend after he himself had been experiencing cold-like symptoms. "I don`t think we thought it through" Sims told Moto weekly "It just kind of happened". Although Dawkins has not said much about the direct link to Sims, she has been quoted saying it was "probably not a good idea".
Researchers think that the three hours of sleep on Saturday night leading up to the holiday contributed to Dawkins unfortunate circumstances. Rhonda Dwight, co-head and part time research-assistant director of the notorious magazine, 'Colds Blow', claims that Dawkins has "not been sleeping well or giving herself enough rest, which almost always leads to this problem". Dwight failed to comment on the beer drinking incident, saying it was "none of her business". Dawkins did admit to lack of sleep before the party and when asked why she claimed that she "was too cold to fall asleep". After extensive testing researchers did find out that Dawkins was in fact more cold than usual on Saturday night and eventually Dawkins did admit that she had a lot on her mind which prevented her from a peaceful sleep. Along with a stuffy nose and a slight cough, Dawkins reported dreaming of "birthdays, spiders, mice, submarines, underwater exploring, basketball and kidnapping psychos, roller coasters and swimming with marine creatures", which are all related to fever-like dreaming. Although Dawkins claims that the mice and spiders were the only thing out of the ordinary and she proceeded to wake up in a cold sweat directly after those particular dreams.
Other suspicious contributions to Dawkins receiving this menacing annoyance are certain sick students and teachers she woks with, a few sick friends aside from Sims, (rights and claims to said individuals are protected under law and are thereby subject any sort of disclosure about their biological surnames as well as whereabouts although this newspaper does not submit them directly) and the weather. "Weather is a big one" Dwight told Moto weekly. "It can really effect a person's well-being" Dawkins dismissed weather as being a main cause of her sickness, although it was reported she was seen riding her bike in the rain on Tuesday January 20th at 6:45 pm, Wednesday January 21st at 6 pm, and Thursday January 22nd at 7 pm. Dawkins' only comment on this was that she has no other way of getting around. What she was doing in the rain at that time has not yet been confirmed. It was reported that she was seen leaving the local swimming pool late Wednesday night.
Dawkins hopes to be better after this next weekend because if nothing else she would like to stop wearing the ]hideous] as she puts it, sick mask. Dwight tells Moto weekly that Dawkins should be better after this weekend if she gets lots of rest and Vitamin C. "She is young and strong so she should bounce back in no time" Dwight reportedly told her worried research team, and Dawkins seems to agree. "I think I am just going to go to bed early and sleep in a bit," She claimed after being questioned about her intention to get well. "I just am sick of being sick!" When asked if she intended to engage in anymore parties like that of "Australia Day" anytime soon she simple groaned and said "Not for a long time". Dawkins has seemed to understand the causes and is reported to be back to normal health within 3 to 4 days. It is not said at which point she will begin her domination of the current universe, but officials feel that this will have no play in delaying it and she will be able to conquer at her scheduled date for May 1st, 2009.
Moto weekly wishes Dawkins a speedy recovery.
