Why do we worry about the things that are completely out of our control? It's maddening to me, really. I wish if it popped into my head I could do what Dumbledore does and remove it from my brain with my wand and put it in a huge, swirling vat of other discarded thoughts. I think his are more memories and I don't think he really forgets them completely, but I wish I could. Life would be easier. Not like it's extremely hard now but it would be more carefree. I don't know if worrying accomplishes anything--if it does please tell me what. Since I think it doesn't right now I wish this for everyone with daily worries. Does it create empathy? Does it create a stronger bond if you are worrying for someone? Or stronger feelings since you realize that if you are worried for another it means you care?
Of course you are going to worry about the ones you love if they are doing things that involve risk. Maybe it's a coming of age thing. You begin to worry about others as you grow and mature. Or maybe it's just a personal thing--some people just worry, others just don't. It could be as simple as that. Of course all parents worry. Even if you aren't a worrier by nature, have a kid and you are bound to worry, it's inevitable. The thing that is bothering to me with regards to worry is that just about everything that I worry about is not even in my control. I mean it is so out of my control that there would be nothing I could do to make it in my control. Of course, in my somewhat selfish state, just about everything relates back to how it effects me. Which is also a bit bothering. Take for instance one of my biggest worries: loneliness. It's not something I think of everyday but it is something I do thing about. And fret about. And then begin to worry about. What if I end up alone? What if I have no choice in the matter? What if I never fall in love? What if no one ever falls in love with me? What if this. What if that. And THAT is completely out of my control. There is literally nothing I can do about that. I mean, sure I can go on eharmony.com or match.com or something like that but sometimes I feel like I would just be forcing love at that point. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. At this point I'm not that desperate. I think they are great hubs for meeting people and I think it is a cool thing, I just feel that's not really me. I am really bad with that kinda thing anyway. I don't like going on awkward first dates because it seems to me that it's just strange that it's the fact that you are interested in being with this person you don't really know. I would rather get to know someone first and then become friends and THEN maybe go on a date. That in itself can create problems as well. Nothing I feel like going into at this point--its been on my mind for way too long as it is, but I'll just leave it at that. Problems are created from friends turning into something more. Period.
With all this worrying I have to have the voice of reason come into my head and say there is TIME. But then the worried voice comes back and replies "isn't there?" And then a tangent of thoughts comes and I can't be sure there is too much time or not enough. It is so out of anyones control that it almost becomes this scary unknown to me. It baffles me as it always has and always will--the unsolved mystery of life. Is it with us or against us? Do we have too much or not enough? I guess it is each person's own battle and what they think their time is worthy of or if it is used or wasted, spent or lost. I look at an old person and think "I bet it foes by so fast, we have to live each day with meaning and purpose. I can't waste time, I need to get started so I am not left regretting when it is too late" whereas someone else might look at an old person and think "we have so much time. I'm so young and I have so many years ahead of me to figure things out". Funny how we view the same thing so differently. Funny how it is against us and with us all at the same TIME. As I've said before, it is a theme of my writings, yet it can never truly be explained, solved or concluded. I circle the topic like a vulture who circles a carcass, I take small bites at the question, but I can never really make a sound argument one way or the other. I guess it seems silly to talk or write or think about something if there is no real answer or closure, but I can't help but just wonder. One of life's many mysteries!
Another of life's mysteries is how the heck do they get all that flavor packed into just one cheez-it?? It's unbelievable! Or how did people know you could grind coffee beans and make a drink that flows through your blood and wakes you up!! And who came up with the great idea of an ugly sweater party? How hilarious! What a great idea. I wonder what year it was invented and who was the first to start it?
I'm actually helping host one this week. The non-profit group I am a part of is thanking the people who have helped us come so far by throwing a big bash for all to celebrate the holiday season. And then I am off to the Caribbean. Amazing how time really does fly. It seemed like so long ago when I bought the ticket. Now, well, here it is. So here I go, off to St. Kitts late Friday night and I will be swimming in the ocean, exploring, hiking, running and relaxing on the island. I will go scuba diving, surfing and climbing. I will tan and read and enjoy rum punch. I will do everything a vacation is for. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I will leave the tropics of the Caribbean and head to Belize to spend another week on the beach scuba diving, cave tubing, ruin exploring, eating and drinking with my family. For these weeks I won't have a care in the world. I can relax knowing I don't have to WORRY about a THING. What a terrible way to spend my Christmas vacation. I don't think things could get any worse :)
Sometimes I wish I could just hug life.
