Swirling

So I should have known I would procrastinate my my OWN assignment to myself. It's been harder than I thought though and I have been thinking. Promise. I have written a few things outside of my blog that have helped me start to get my ideas sorted. I have also been taking suggestions from people with what to write and where to start. I always find starting something is the hardest thing. So I started from something I had already done for a little push. I went back and read my old journals from high school, my journals from college, from Japan and a lot of my old blog posts from Japan as well as this blog. Whew. That's a lot of reading because man, I wrote a lot. Too much. But it was good to read. I didn't realize how much I've changed writing wise and how my outlook on life has changed until I read them, yet the overall core of who I am has stayed the same. It always will.

So going with the theme of my core staying the same, I decided to continue my trip down memory lane by looking at old pictures. There are so many things I have forgotten from my childhood that have helped shape me into who I am today. Reading through all of my old stuff and looking at these pictures I know how truly fortunate I was. How truly fortunate I still am. Although I don't want to admit it, I had almost forgotten how spoiled I was as a kid. And most of the time I even take it for granted now. Every summer we would take a family trip (all 19 of us) to either the mountians or the beach. Every other Christmas we would all get together and stay in a cabin and go skiing. I spent my summer days at the neighborhood pool or at my grandma's pool. I stayed out and played with my friends, went to swimming, tennis and camps. I invented games with my brothers in the backyard, I got to pick out what rabbits and dogs I wanted for pets. I was the best dressed kid thanks to my mom and her festive outfits she made me. I was truly happy and I think a happy childhood usually leads to a healthy, happy adulthood. I am very glad I have had direction and I have been carefree and happy for my entire 23 (almost 24!) years of existance.

So where does that lead me with my writing now? I have no idea. The thoughts still swirl around without anywhere to go. Yet. I'm going to get there someday. Sometimes a specific topic is discovered when you aren't even trying for it. Maybe I will just do as I've always done and just start writing and see where it leads me...I think that might keep me writing more anyway. If I know myself then I would say so.

This post had no overall purpose but I would like to say I am grateful for everything I have and everyone around me. Happy Holidays and happy almost 2010 :)

Inspiration

Sometimes I feel as though inspiration can be a fleeting feeling. You watch a movie that is moving and inspirational, yet soon after the movie is over you give it nothing more than a few passing thoughts before it is forgotten altogether. At least until someone mentions the name again. You see a picture of a beautiful place, you read a great book, you talk to a insightful person--all of these things being inspirational to you on on level or another. There are times where you might book a ticket to that beautiful place or have a discussion about the book or go do something that person had also done, but most likely, you are only moved for a short time before letting your high settle back down to earth. Slowly you are swallowed back into everyday life and the invigorating feeling of sheer inspiration is forgotten, stored away for another day. Why is that? Why can we only seem to hold one emotion for a certain amount of time? Why can't I walk around life feeling uplifted and invigorated all the time? As John Mayer says, "Who says I can't be free from all of the things I used to be? Rewrite my history, who says I can't be free"

My basic point to all of these ramblings is I have been inspired and I plan taking this feeling, this powerful and wonderful feeling, and harnessing it for as long as possible. I am at a point in life where I want to tell everyone those lyrics from good old John. I can answer his question to myself, no one has told me I cannot do anything. So what is holding me back? Unfortunately I think its my own mind cutting off my potential. Which is no real surprise, I have always been like that and at this point, it's starting to get frustrating. So enough of that! Time to rewrite my history. Or at least work on the now. That is something I know I can do.

So where did this sudden inspiration come from you might ask? The same person who has inspired me countless times, my old friend and swim coach, Ryan. Although she does not know it, she has brought on a new feeling of inspiration and my challenge now is to hold on to it. There have been a few days where the feeling stuck around for a while. I think I've written about it before, but it was a day where I felt the feeling you sometimes get when you first wake up. You realize how unbelievably precious life really is. My journey is going to look a bit different from the one Ryan is on (as it should). My goal is the keep that feeling. I am going to start out smaller and see where to go from there.

So I shall start out in my mind. I have a lot of thoughts that are flying around and my first task is to organize them. Obviously I am a big writer already. I write virtually everyday, yet I circle around issues instead of really investigating them (as this blog post is starting to do). So task one will be all about writing. My inspiration can come from anything. One of my best friends has a "God Jar". She puts things into her jar that worry her or stress her out. Once she writes them down and puts them in that jar they are no longer her problem. The idea is the big man upstairs will take care of things since she has done all she can about it. I like that. I also love Miranda July's "Learn to Love you More" projects. I once took the challenge as part of a class assignment after reading No One Belongs Here More Than You and did a few of her suggestions. Let's just say that was a day I also felt truly inspired. http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

So I am starting off with writing. I will not be writing everything down in this blog, some being just for me than for others, but I will do my best to write a lot in here as well. I will give myself small topics or ideas and go from there. One requirement is that it has to be somewhat creative. I will welcome a good challenge. Anyone is welcome to join! So that is what I will focus on first. I will work on this for about a week. We will see where I want to take it after that. So it begins.
After all, who says I can't be free?

It Begins Again

I have been meaning to write something meaningful, but today is probably not the day. I can at least try I guess. For some reason I had a really hard time getting motivated today. Sure I swam and did abs, I even took the dog on a walk and wrote a little. I made an appointment, talked to friends, ate dinner, caught up on tv and the internet and made plans for later this week. But all of that probably takes up just a small portion of any normal person’s day. For me it is the whole thing. I don’t know why I am having a hard time with it, its not like there is something I necessarily HAVE to do, but there is always something I feel like I have to do. It’s a bit unsettling when I actually have too much time because then I have too much time to think about all of the things I’m not doing. And I feel like there is something that always needs to be done. I think my method for coping with this demon is just to either hang out with friends, forgetting anything that has to do with anything really, or to get out of the house. And that usually leads me to the gym.

So I guess that is really great for my social and physical self, but what about my intellectual self? What is it left to do? I feel like it has been forgotten for so long not only has it gotten rusty and dusty, it is now slowly starting to deteriorate. Funny how I probably never thought this would happen. Go back to three years ago I would have killed for this lifestyle. Truly, I do what I want when I want without the dread of homework hanging over my head. Not saying I want homework, I just want a purpose. Right now I feel like a lost soul and in order to get out of that slump I need to do it myself before getting thrown into the working world. Which will inevitably happen someday. Hopefully. As much growing I have done over the past year I still have deserts and mountains to climb before I can even begin to crack the shell of who I am. And I am determined to start as soon as possible, the hard part is just figuring out where. I feel like I am all over the place and I just need to plant my feet firmly and start walking in the right direction. Where ever that may be. It is entirely possible there is no one right direction anyway. Which makes things a lot more confusing for those of us beginning to search for it.

All of this time I’ve done a great job discovering myself, but now I feel like I need to search for myself. I need to try harder than I am. I need to get the ball rolling. I have my days, today was not one of them, but I do have them. I feel like I am making positive forward progress. I feel like I can be proud of what I have done so far. But when days like today hit, those feelings are so easily forgotten that I end up feeling like I have made no forward progress at all. So it begins again. The clock is ticking, now its just time to get those wheels turning.
It’s always easier said than done...
Isn't it?

The Time Has Come

The time has come to actually put my blogging mind and fingers to work once again. It has been much too long and the only excuse I have for that is a severe lack of inspirational brain activity. I can't say its back, but I had to get the wheels turning at some point.

It's strange to come on again after so much time has passed--especially with my last post and the emotional weight of everything that was going on. It still hits me when I read it, I am taken back to that place. Back to that city, back to that town and back to my apartment where I would type basically on the floor, feet stretched out in front of me and a whole other world just down the hall and out the door. It seems like it was not a mere four months ago, not even like it was a year ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I sat in that apartment and typed that last entry. It was a whole other world, a whole other part of myself that if I am not careful could be hidden behind what I have always known to be me back on familiar territory. But then there is the part of me that has changed, the part that I don't see anymore, the part that has just become me.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it hasn't even been a half of a year. I am bothered by it actually. I am bothered at how incredibly easy it was to come home and forget the frustrations, the mysteries, the beauty, the challenge and the passion I once felt for Japan. It will always be there, but it is not as prominent as I would have liked. There are times where I have to take a step back and remind myself that it was real and I was living it. It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the everyday life in your own comfort zone and I fell right back into it the moment I stepped on Colorado soil. Not that I meant to or even wanted to, but things were so busy right at first that reflecting on my own personal progress wasn't really in my daily activities. Now, as we are nearing the end of November and I have had time to eat the food I missed, catch up with the people I missed and do all of the things I've missed, I am finally able to take a step back and see where I am at in life. I have come to the conclusion for now that I am right where I am supposed to be. I have done something I am proud of and I have come back and done what I can to make a place for myself in society once again. Nothing is troublesome to me right now and because of that I am truly happy. I can finally live in the moment and not think about what is to come or what should come, I can just let the chips fall where they may.

It's funny how time always sneaks up on you. I have written about it time and time again, but I will never get used to it. The other day I spoke in a classroom about Japan and teaching abroad opportunities and just traveling in general and as I spoke I reminded myself of everything I had done, everything I had seen and all of the experiences I had. I talked for the whole 90 minute class period twice in a row without even missing a beat. Only something that you are truly passionate about is something you can go on about for days. I hadn't even realized how much I went through until I had that time to explain it all. I hadn't even realized how much I missed it until I had to explain it all.

I have my days here just as I did in Japan where I will love it or hate it or just want to go back to a home I am not really sure exists anymore. But I know in my heart of hearts I made the right decision. Now the next best decision would be to go back and pay those good folks a visit! I am in the place I wanted to be, but I am not the same person I was when I envisioned myself in this place. Because of that, as I have said before, I will be forever grateful to Japan as well as the people I met there.

Thankfully there will never be a time in my life where I am not missing. My eyes have been opened to the world around me and I will not rest until I can no longer see because it is the experiences and the people we meet that will forever change our lives. And for me, this is just the beginning. In the meantime I will enjoy the here and now because when you blink, it's gone.

Five Days Time

Four
More
Sleeps.
It's a race with the clock and time has proved victorious before, I don't know why it would go any differently now. My apartment is littered with random things leftover from a mass deleting process that ended in a thirty foot trash drop. The blank walls stare back at me as if to help push me out of the way so time can get a head start. It's just not fair. I want to be able to control it but it is impossible. The noise becomes more audible. Maybe because there is less furniture. Maybe because I am hearing the silence for the first time in a while. Maybe because I am listening to the silence for the first time in a while. It has become more of a comfort to me than I ever thought and if there is nothing else I can take with me after this year, this new found relationship with myself will be plenty. I turned off the music so I can hear the sounds of me in this country that has been my home for the past year.

The frogs chatter noisily outside and a car drives by. My fan hums, my fingers click on the keyboard.In the morning I will be woken by one thousand buzzing cicadas and the stifling heat that has you breathing in water. I will roll off the futon onto the ground right next to it. It will be close to the last time I will wake up like that. In five days time I will be waking up to the sounds of footsteps, ringing phones, dogs barking, air so crisp it strings the lungs. I will be waking up on a bed instead of four inches off the ground. My head will be swirling with dreams of Japan. I will be confused, I will be elated, I will be deflated. I will go through the same process I did when I came here. Hurting is natural after a something good is over and although hurting is never looked forward to or enjoyed, it is the only way we can truly process and rid ourselves of unwanted feelings. In five days time I will be waking up to this person who I think I know, who I have seen in this bed before, in this house before, but it will not be the same person. It will be me one year older. One year away from everything I have ever known. One year come full circle back to the familiar and on to the new me.

It will probably feel like I have intense over acuteness of the senses. Well, I guess after jet lag kicks in. At least I hope for that. I want to see this place from a different perspective, I want to feel moved, I want to feel the passion that rolled around in me all year for this place and these people, I want to breathe and really and truly feel that crispness I have been longing for for so long. I want to be content with where I will be in life, I want to feel at peace with myself, even if it is just for a short time before time starts rearing it's ugly head once again. I want to know that I have done something grand and I can be proud of myself for it. I still don't know how I should feel because I am still here. It's always easier to get a better view if you take a few steps back. Which I will be doing. Right back over the ocean. Right back into the life that I have always lived.

In five days time I will not know the answer but I will feel closer to it. In five days time the blur of life will spin around and around me and if I sit still for too long it will pass me by. In five days time I will have to fall into the spinning blur for hopes that I can be a part of this chaos that went on without me while I was gone. In five days time I will not say good morning in Japanese, instead I will say it in English. In five days time I will not be engrossed with giant spiders or strange fashions. In five days time I will see the faces I have missed and then I will miss the faces I have seen. In five days time I will feel a champion at the language, I will conquer the roads not on my little red bike with the basket but in a big SUV with the air conditioner. In five days time I will look like everyone else and they will not pass me a second glance. In five days time I will hug the people who I have only seen through a web cam and then I will get online and not be able to hug the same person I was hugging yesterday. In five days time I will feel the thin air, feel the love around me, I will feel the heaviness of my heart, I will not no what to do. In five days time I will be in Colorado. In five days time Japan will be just a memory.

Missing Already

Sometimes it just down pours for literally 30 seconds and then stops. It just did right before I started writing this and it was the fastest downpour in the history of my life. Well, maybe there was a shorter one yesterday.

The clouds today look like the clouds in the opening of "The Simpsons", so fluffy and the sky so blue behind them. Which is also confusing if it was just raining. It confuses me more to think that the blue sky can actually be BEHIND the puffy clouds. I don't think that is possible. I was also told this morning not to look at the sun on the specific days of the eclipse. Aren't you never supposed to look directly at the sun? Maybe its different in Japan. Maybe they enjoy looking at the sun. I told my teacher I would try my best not to look at it.

Well today is just another day in Japan. Except I actually had to speak Japanese in front of both of my schools to thank them for the year. Wait, wasn't I just doing that to thank them for what was to come? Wasn't I just stepping off the plane into this foreign country? How is it that I am leaving next week? I can`t really answer any of those questions--they are what we like to call rhetorical. And since these questions just spin around in my head unanswered I just put on my lucky outfit and hope for the best. Yes, I have a lucky outfit. I wore it my first day here. It did fit a lot better a year ago though. Gah, a year ago. Really? Ok I will stop with the questions. I think its all starting to hit me right now. I was hoping it would at some point. Good thing its before I go and not when I get home. Although I could picture myself sitting on my bed in my parents house just crying because I don't know what happened to my life. Just for a few minutes because that`s all I cry for. About 20 minutes a year. Minus the night I graduated, but that wasn't my fault, I blame some of the beverages I consumed that night for that long ass cry. We shan't talk of that night.

I took a picture of the office today but I don't really know why. To show people maybe? I actually pictured myself showing my grandma. "BZ, this is where I sat. For many hours". Why would one take a picture of a place they don't really like? Why would one want to remember something such as that? I guess it is a memory nonetheless. The office was the place where I spent many hours growing my ass. Gotta have a picture to place the blame. Some might think that it would be smart if I took a picture of the classroom, but I didn't spend much time in there. Don't ask why they call it teaching. They should call it ass growing. With a little teaching thrown in every odd day.

I complain, but the job was the worst part and it wasn't even that bad. Ok, yes it was. It was that bad. But the rest of everything was amazing. I am happy and sad right now. I don't really think that its possible to have two emotions at once, but somehow I have achieved the impossible! Maybe that is why my stomach hurts. I am sad to leave behind the great people of this country, but I am excited to come home to the great people of my own country. The beauty will be missed here, but the beauty at home is just as good. Well, a different kind, a more familiar kind, but I think I will be seeing it through different eyes this time around. Being away makes one appreciate home even more. Not to say the people and places are replaceable, not even close, but that is why I am happy and sad at the same time. Ultimately it is a sacrifice I have to make. For myself. It makes sense in my head, but for some reason the words are all wrong on paper. I think they might feel that way for a while to come. At least while I am feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. The English word that is most overused and poorly used in Japan is "enjoy". And "maybe". But enjoy especially. But in this case, I will have to use it full heatedly, I will just enjoy the time I have left. I will appreciate this place, this beauty and these people for one more week. I will continue to be both happy and sad. I will go home and miss it more than I even thought possible. And when it rains I will think of the 30 second downpours in Japan and miss it all over again. And that might be the time where all I can do is cry.

Spinning into Nothing

It seems that my blog has turned into more of a formal writing page than anything and because of that I have dreaded writing in it. I have decided that it is my blog damnit and I can write whatever things that come to my head no matter how insignificant and trivial. I also blame my writing set up. I have a table that is 2 feet off the ground and sitting here writing for long periods of time isn't really that comfortable. The small table however, has no negative impact on my facebooking. It's a different sitting position I tell you!

I am up later than I would like but once again, don't blame me. I'm waiting to skype with a very elusive brother of mine and and happy that tracking him down will soon come to and end. Well, not really, but now I can just call his phone until he decides to call me back. Skype is a miracle from God, but there are some days where I am just plain sick of it. I just want my friends to be there in the flesh. It looks like I will forever be stuck with the curse of not having all my friends just a drive away. Looks like it can be disguised as a blessing as well. Someday we will all gather together in a festive manner. I just hope it's before my funeral. That's usually when all the people you ever loved come to something of yours. And by then, what's the point? What a waste.

A lot has been swimming around in my head these past few days and I am not really sure what to make of all of it. I know that the confusion won't come to an end until it's too late and the clarity will be all too painful. I have less than two weeks left in the life I have known for a year and right now I feel somewhat numb to it all. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening. It is the exact feeling I felt one year ago today. Coming to Japan was just words out of my mouth or writing on a page. It meant nothing. Flying home is the same. I am too many things and it just spins around until it is nothing.

I desperately want it to mean something, then it could hit me and I could really and truly cherish every last moment I live here. But I can't shake the haze and my desperate attempts fall like ash on the ground. Each day I wake up and it's there, I have a sense of it, but then it goes away as fast as it came. I am lucky if it lasts more than a minute. Funny how that works, the primal feeling of our true selves, of our connection with ourselves the most is in that first moment of waking and then all to quickly it has disappeared. Then we just go on living our lives like every other day, not really giving it much of a second thought. Someday I hope to capture this feeling and keep it bottled up so I can use it when I need it. You can't use it all the time or you would explode from over acuteness of the senses, but it would be nice to keep the purity of your dreams and your true self for days like today when the world as you know it is about to shift again. And all you can do is sit there like a big idiot.

One time I actually kept this feeling with me for most of the day. It was probably one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. The day was nothing special--I woke up and felt lighter. I went to lunch with my friend in my tye dye pants and for some reason I could not stop laughing. I laid in the parking lot of my apartment complex and just embraced the beauty of it all. And no, I wasn't on drugs. Then I had a brilliant idea for a paper and I didn't start writing it until ten that night when it was due the next day. I didn't even go to bed that night. The next day the feeling was gone. But guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Damn straight.

I try not to think about everything too much, but with all of this time and nothing else to really think about, it keeps creeping into my head. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready and sad. I am hurting more than I thought because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to end for anyone else because I know it will never truly end for me. I will take Japan and make it part of me. That way it will be around for as long as I am. It's too much for human emotions to really grasp all at once I think. It creeps up slowly and sometimes has a sudden attack, but usually just happens and is explained as a part of life. So far I have no other explanation either.

For now I will just let it spin until the nothing finally becomes something.

Beautiful Nagasaki

The Old Man is Snoring

The Japanese call this season tsuyu. Meaning rainy season. A rather unfortunate season for people who only have a bike for their mode of transportation. Luckily, or rather unluckily, due to climatic differences in the weather, most likely the cause of global warming, the rain this year is rather tame. Not even in comparison (I would have nothing to compare it to anyway), just tame even for what I was expecting. From the stories I heard. Yes, there have been days where it has come down in sheets, but usually it is at a very convenient time. When I am indoors. Knock on wood. This past week it has been cloudy and the rain has come everyday in some way, shape or form. I have a love hate relationship with rain, so my weather emotions have been all over the place. This week I have been liking it much more than I thought I would. Maybe I will give it a second chance. It is just really inconvenient when I have to ride to school and I am wet as I start the day. Even with my cool rain slicker outfit. The other day though I rode in it to go swimming and since I was getting wet anyway it obviously didn't matter. I don't know if it is because I had that in mind, but it was invigorating riding to the pool. It felt refreshing and tasted like Japan. A little strange, but still pretty good. And I did taste it. While I was waiting to cross the street. At a big intersection. If I don't get stared at enough already...

Things here are picking up once again and I could not be more welcoming of the crowded schedule that awaits me for July. As much as I probably wouldn't ever say this when I am busy, I would rather be busy than bored. Last summer I had no time to breathe and I`m sure I complained about not having time, but after a year of more time than I have ever had before, I think busy is always the way to go. Sitting around thinking of things to do isn't for the young and free like me!

Because of that I will be adventuring to the prefecture a bit northeast of here for some good times and great oldies. Or great newbies I should say. I am going with two friends who are in the mood for a change of scenery like me, and I have no doubts that is what we will have. We will be heading out tomorrow night, taking a overnight ferry that docks at Yawatahama in the early morning. We will then step out onto Shikoku soil where our five day adventure awaits us. This road trip consists of visiting other ALTs, going swimming with dolphins, hiking, white water rafting, museums, shrines, good food, and fun exploring. Shikoku is straight inaka which roughly translates into country bumpkin land. It is not a high tourist prefecture but it is supposed to be beautiful with enough for new folk like us to do on our trip. So we will be packing the car full of tasty snacks, good tunes and high spirits as we take a drive around the beautiful Japanese countryside.

Upon returning from Shikoku I have a feeling the end of my journey will be quite the whirlwind. Not only am I going to have to pack all of my things (its amazing all of the stuff your acquire in just one year) and close out my accounts, but I am going to be going to goodbye parties, a train enkai, row boating in a gorge, visiting a Japanese friend in her home town, staying in a cabin by a waterfall, swimming in the ocean and of course just going to all of my favorite places one last time. That is all going to be done in only 4 weeks. And then the goodbyes will start which I can`t even think about. It is not going to be easy by any means. It is so strange to think that I will be back in Colorado in only one month and 2 days. With the days I am going to be gone, end of the year tests and closing ceremonies, I only have eight days left of teaching. EIGHT. I have really mixed feelings about that because the teaching this past semester has been better--I have really enjoyed most of my classes and all of the teachers I teach with. That will be sad, but I am more than ready to be finished sitting in the office. It is hard to get sad or excited right now because although the job has been challenging for me in so many ways this year, it has been such a positive experience. From the teachers I have met to the things I have learned, I will never forget teaching English in Japan. Even if there are moments where I want to...With that being said though, I am ready to move on to the next stage of my career. To the next stage of life. What will be difficult to move on from is the culture and the beauty of this place. I know I have said it time and time again, but it never fails to amaze me how gorgeous Japan really is. In so many ways. The hardest part will be bidding farewell to the people. I have carved out such big part of my heart for my friends here so the empty feeling will not go unnoticed. Here I am trying not to think about it, but writing it anyway. It hasn't fully hit me yet. I don`t think it will until the time comes.

I will post pictures of Shikoku when I get back and I`m sure I will find time to write about my last adventures in Kumamoto. Here is to the last month in Japan! No doubt it will be just as unforgettable as the previous eleven. Cheers!

"Take a plane to Japan and drink sake with the mafia"

Kikichi Gorge

"I fell in love with the people in the front row"

Colliding Contradictions

I am not sure if there will ever be a time where saying goodbye to the people you love will be easy. I actually hope there won't. Not that I am a masochist, but that can define your love for someone. Among the top ten things that I cannot deal with very easily, saying goodbye is right up there with change and death. They are painful on their own levels of course, some being more, well, morbid than others, but none of them is a walk in the park. I would much rather just use "see you later" or "just for now". For all three of those topics. I think that gives me internal peace, even if it is somewhat of a lie. I say this because I had to say goodbye recently and then I watched P.S. I Love You, which is all about love and death. And I am such a sucker for morbid love stories. It gets me every time. And I am thinking about moving home which is obviously change. With that being said, please pardon my sappy like ways.

It is another beautiful and sunny day in Matsubase, Japan--the heat is starting to swelter, the bugs are coming back and we, being the teachers, are at school. And it is a Sunday. Parents day. At least we don't have school tomorrow to make up for it. It all makes sense in some sort of twisted way. But then again, that`s Japan for you. I am trying my very best not to cringe while being here, but after a two week vacation, I cannot help but wish I was back on the beach. Which is where I was one week ago today, and it was perfect. The waves were crashing, the sun was shining and I had my friends surrounding me. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. Except maybe more time. I could always use more time. Yet going with Japan's wonderful theme of contradictions, I am also gearing up to go home in more ways than one. I sent home winter clothes with Lauren and I watched my love for Japan crack a bit under the weight of something much stronger that has been hiding for a good while. The love for home. I haven't felt homesick in much too long and I was hoping it wouldn't come back this soon, but because I had my slice of home in Japan, it all came crashing down and I could no longer ignore it. Not to say I am completely ready or if I will ever be, but I am more ready than I was and in a way I am feeling good about that. I feel good I am making the right decisions. Being that I have less than three months left I have started looking at time in not just passing by, but as a tool that I can mold as I wish. I am going to utilize this time the best way I know how and take advantage of living here. I have been doing some travel, but I am not yet content, so for any weekend that looks free I am going to go somewhere and do something. Jess and I have started to plan and when we sit down to look at our calendars, I will be picking a few spots I have been dying to see. There is nothing holding me back at this point except me. So its time to take off running.

Looking back on my time here I cannot even take it all in at once. Its a funny feeling now--10 months in, a funny feeling that I cannot put into words without feeling as though I am cheating myself of the truth. Its gone too slow and too fast all at once, it has been too hard, yet too easy, it has been more than enough, yet not enough. Once again, it has been the land of contradictions. It has been nothing but Japan. And as I said before I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. And as ready as I will be to come home, I will always miss this place. I will always have a part of it with me. I will always hold the deepest respect for this culture and the people who thrive in it. And because of that I feel a resounding peace within my heart because if I didn't know what I wanted out of coming here, I certainly do now. I have found it over and over again. In every person I meet, in every experience I have in every new thing I try, in every risk I take, in every way I think. I have found what I didn't even know I was looking for, I have filled a piece of myself I didn't even know was empty, I have seen what I didn't even know I was blind to. I have fulfilled my wishes more than I could have ever dreamed and for that I am eternally grateful. I know now I will have no regrets when I leave this place because I have done what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to expand myself in a culture I knew nothing about, I wanted to meet people from around the world, I wanted to learn and learn some more. And I wanted to grow. I have done all of those things plus more. I have gone deeper within myself than I ever imagined possible, and now I finally see that I am bottomless within my thoughts. We never stop growing, we never stop learning about ourselves. I can now embrace the quickness of time because as I get older I am discovering more things about myself and to me that is one of the most exciting things a person can do. It is also one of the most important things a person can do because this self discovery translates into respect for others and respect for yourself. I can feel my new found strength and I can finally begin to put it to use, I can finally understand what I wasn't able to before. Although I am not, nor will I ever be completely "solved" or figured out, I can strive for the never ending growth. And I will surely bask in that. Somehow with all of that being said, I still feel like these words cannot describe my true feeling, because of either my limited vocabulary or just because language cannot truly describe feelings. Not fully. Not exactly.
The past few weeks have gone by quicker than I even thought possible and I am left standing in the quiet after the loud. I didn't think it would be hard all over again when I wake up alone in my apartment, but for the first few days it has been that same heavy feeling I felt when i first got here and I am eager to dispose of it quickly. Each day gets a bit easier and before I know it I will be used to the silence once again. I have many views on living alone and having a space for yourself. I don't want to dive into them all right now but all i will say is that it is necessary for everyone at some point in their lives. It is also necessary for it to not last too long. At least for me.

Lauren arrived on a rainy Friday and we slowly made our way back to my apartment. Aside from a few minor setbacks, everything went smoothly and we arrived back in Matsubase in one piece. Even though Lauren was exhausted she was a great sport, letting me drag her around everywhere I wanted to show her including some extremely challenging and tiring classes. We began our adventure as soon as she got there and did not stop to rest once. We had dinner with friends, went to a school concert, taught classes, tried all kinds of food, we went swimming, went to karaoke, wenr to the gym, to Mt. Aso, to Kumamoto Castle, out in the city, shopping around town, and to a few beaches. We camped in Miyazaki and body surfed in the Pacific. We danced on the beach, we joked, we talked, we were roommates once again. It was not hard to get used to, it was all too natural. I was beyond grateful that she got to come and experience a little bit of this part of my life. When you experience almost everything with someone for four years, it becomes second nature to want them to see and understand everything you are seeing. I was beginning to doubt that she could make it over and I was initially crushed--not knowing how to truly explain this part of my life without her actually seeing it. It was hard for me to accept there might be a gap in this part of our friendship. Not that I worried about us not being friends, that I would never worry about, just that she would not be able to understand this life, this part of me and that I would not do justice in an explanation. But my worries were washed away when she told me she would be coming and every time I thought about it, I could not help but smile. I had a hard time believing that she was actually in Japan until the weekend had passed and it finally sunk in.

I cannot believe how fortunate I have been this year. Not just to be accepted into this program, but to meet the wonderful people I have--each one of them showing bringing something special, something completely unique to my experience, to my life, to me. Each friend I have met has touched me so deeply and I know I will take a part of them with me where ever I go in the future. If it was not enough already to have met such great people, I also got the honor of having great people I love come visit me. My family was able to leave the states all together for the first time to meet me in Thailand and then went against all they knew, all that was comfortable to them and came to Japan. It is not easy to travel that far to such an unfamiliar place with that many people, but it wasn't even a question of whether or not they would come. They did not even hesitate. Dan hitch hiked from Tokyo to my doorstep just to spend time with me before ending his jaunt across Asia. Again, it was not even a question. He did not waver once. Lauren left the country for the first time and traveled by herself to be with me. Once she got the go ahead she did not have to think twice. And if that weren't enough already I have received letters, cards, presents, phone calls, e-mails from people from all walks of life telling me they are proud of me, they are happy for me and they love me and they miss me. They really miss me. I don`t even know how to express my gratitude. I am overwhelmed with happiness and thanks to live such a blessed life. I will never be able to truly show how much it means to me, but I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, it means more than you will ever know. Thank you. I am forever grateful.

Life will never fail to amaze me and I will look forward to continue growing and learning. I will look forward to always being amazed at how truly and unbelievably beautiful it all really is.

The Wedding!

Spring time and South Korea!