I am at my aunt and uncle's place (we'll just say it's a "place") in Steamboat. It's late afternoon, the trees sway with the wind as the sunlight peaks its way through the large bay windows. I hear the hum of the fridge and my parents talking softly on the deck. Next to me I have the most current book I'm reading in case I decide to find a quite nook to go read. Jet-Puffed marshmallows taunt me, but I can wait because of all of the junk I've eaten on this vacation weekend. Later I will roast them. Now I just need to digest.
I've had a peaceful day of hiking and relaxing afterwards but sometimes too much serenity leads me into the labyrinth of my own thoughts--a hard place to find an exit to. I like to think about life--especially when all the things in it are so wonderful. But when they should be and they just aren't, well I can't really say thinking is my favorite pastime. Right now I guess the best thing to have in my thought bubble is a big, huge question mark. Which is ok for now. But I think that question mark has hovered there longer than I would have liked and now I'm just plain annoyed with it.
I think its me. I think too much about me but don't spend enough time with me. Or on me. Its much easier to think about what's going on this weekend or who's doing what now rather than what I need to be doing to get ahead in the world. I have a very hard time with the future. I can imagine what I want, but I cannot picture the steps I need to take to get there. So I just continue with what's easy--the present and what I feel like doing now. It's a very tricky spot to be in, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
Take for instance my last blog entry. I read it to my mom as I will every so often (after all she is my biggest fan:) and as usual she loved it. But there was one thing missing she said. I couldn't think about what it could be. She said, what about making someone else happy? Does that hold a place in your soul? I was ashamed. How could I forget that? I told her of course, I should add that. I should put that making others happy is one of the things that fills me. Its not just about me being happy. But I had to think, am I really that selfish? How did I forget seeing my friend laugh, or two people hug? How could I forget seeing the joy in a mother's eyes as she sees her child for the first time in a long time or the sight of all your friends laughing together? How could I forget that seeing my friends or family excited is one of the things that gets me most excited? How would that not fill me? Well, in all honesty it does. Completely and utterly these things fill me. Their happiness fuels mine and I'm sure it's vice versa. I love being around those I love and if anyone knows me they know that I have trouble NOT being around those people. They sometimes have to tell me to go home and have quiet time because they are sick of me! Not really, but maybe they think that :)
In truth I know that there is nothing in this world more important than relationships. We need each other and I think I almost get lost in that world. I know I do. I just want to fill and be filled with the people around me. But I must remember that even if I want to play with my friends all day I do need to think about me and what is going to help me in the future. Even if it means I can't play with my friends right that minute, maybe this step will help me to play with them even more later!
This post is all over the place, which wasn't my intention but always seems to be the outcome. I have no idea where I even started with this. I will take this time to say I'm going to get out of the tangles of my ratty thoughts and go find a nice place to read about other people's ratty thoughts!
I am filled by those around me. My soul will never be more full than when I am with the people I love.
