Dancing with Death

The other night we talked about death. We talked about our fears, our thoughts on what happens after our bodies have had enough of this world. We talked about what we believed this after world to look like. We talked about if we were afraid, if we would be ready, if there was anything at all to be ready for. Now, this may sound morbid, but why? Why does this topic always have to be so hush hush? I feel like it is viewed as this "do not enter" zone of conversation. But why can't we go in? Have a look around? Explore the inevitable? Why can't we learn more about this? Can't we learn to look at is as not this dreaded Ultimate End, but just simply as a part of life? Can't we focus on being prepared for the inevitable? Too many people are frightened to death of the unknown, but what good will that fear really do? Why not be excited for it? I'm not saying get out the calendar and start marking off the days until you're taking a dirt nap for the rest of eternity, but why not just pass in peace?

My intentions with death would be to die ready and non-remorseful. I guess I don't have much of a say in it. I will die when it is my time to die, but I want to make sure I truly and completely lived with every breath I was given and give every last breath to life. As I have written before--the true miracle is that we are even here in the first place. For the time being I will relish in that.

At this age it is somewhat of a strange thing to be thinking about, but I do wonder how people who know they are going to die really feel. And how they go about feeling peaceful. Knowing the people they left behind will be ok, knowing they have done all they could to make their lives and the lives around them full, knowing that it is just all part of the circle of life. I think that coming to grips and really harnessing that thought would be something that could potentially take your whole life just to conquer. Is anyone truly and completely ready? One of my friends said something that struck me deeply, what about the people we leave behind? How do you deal with that? Then I began thinking and a furious tangent of thoughts came to my head I was not able to push away. What if we regretted missing out on them? On their lives? On our relationship with them? On what we could have done for them? How could we ever feel ready to go in peace when we were sad about all of that? How could they let us go if they felt that way too? I guess that is why people cry at funerals. I guess that is why death is so profoundly tragic. Because so many people are so sure they will never see that person again. They will never feel what they felt around that person again. That is what makes you weep as their body--this body you have grown to love--is nothing but cold matter being put into the ground. But then, against what might feel like overwhelming odds, the strength of faith can press through. Faith is telling us that this body had really nothing to do with the person inside of it. Faith is telling us there is much more than what meets the eye. Sure, our bodies stand to tell what we have done or been through, but it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with this person. At this point you can choose to know that's that. There is nothing else, you will never see them again, life will never be the same. Or you can choose to think that you know their spiritual self has gone on and that someday yours too will meet up with them. That this is not the end of the road, it is just a part of the road. Free will is one of our many wonderful traits as human beings, so I guess that is just one of the things that you use it for. To go on or not. I say, whatever helps you sleep at night. Believe what you want, I'm not one to judge. All I know is that the relationships we make on this earth could possibly determine them for after this earth. For the white marshmallow land as I like to envision it. I also think that just because some believe that relationships might go on past our time on planet Earth doesn't mean time should be wasted just because you think there might be endless amounts of it. There's my advice of the day. Use your free will to do what you want with that.

All this death talk makes me want to have a good old fashioned dance party. There's nothing like feeling alive after a dance party! Now that I have my very own apartment I can dance all day. It's amazing I haven't taken full advantage of that yet. Well, looks like I know what I'll be doing Friday afternoon! TGIF!

Ice Cream Friends

Today is a beautiful October day. I know because I went outside a few times for a few minutes. I was actually very grateful the whole walk from my car to Barns and Noble. And even just as grateful on my jaunt back. And then I felt like I had really taken advantage of the day while I walked from my car back into the school I was subbing at. Sarcasm aside, I really was glad though, as I walked into the bookstore, because I thought about the day I do have a real job "planning" hour will actually mean planning. Not finding the closest coffee shops where I can read or write. So even though I might have enjoyed yesterday a little more (swimming outside, laying in the lawn chair, talking a walk down the street), today can still be enjoyed because of other things I can do. I need to realize just because I can't be outside every second of everyday doesn't mean that day was a waste. It is what you do with your time that makes the day worthwhile.

When I first started student teaching I remember thinking I had committed myself to a life of imprisonment. I remember looking in the teacher's lunch room and thinking oh my gosh, how depressing. I remember gazing longingly outside while the students played basketball simply wishing I could enjoy the day on the other side of the wall. After time went on I began to think less and less of being outside (maybe because it was winter...) and more and more about the students and the teachers around me. Soon the lunch room was not depressing, but a place where I could rest for just a little bit before the next rowdy class filtered into my room. A place where I could vent about the what stupid thing Billy did that day or laugh with the other teachers. I have hope that real teaching one day will be like this. I will not look in teachers' offices and grimace at the time they spend in there everyday while I go out into the world, but rather I will enjoy being with my colleagues in the dimly lit office eating my smashed turkey sandwich. And even on days where the sun shines warmly and beckons me to go outside, I will remember I have the whole entire summer off. That will make it all worth it. I hope.

I can't complain before I even get a job, plus my dear friend Ashley did bring up a good point. She reminded me that teachers get done with school around three. So even if I had loads of work to do and I spent two hours at school doing it, I would still be getting finished around the same time as normal people do. It's all perspective here. Plus, it's not about me, right? It's all about the students. It is hard for me to think of that now because I only have 'pretend someday students', but when the time comes, I will have real live students. Hopefully doing something else will be the last thing on my mind. As hard as I know it will be, I look forward to that day.

On a complete side note, does anyone else feel guilty when eating ice cream alone but when you go with someone else its totally fun and carefree? And you feel somehow the calories don't count?? Just thinking about ice cream a lot lately but I won't go alone because the one time I went alone it scarred me with everlasting guilt. I guess I'll have to make some friends :)

Speaking of friends, I have definitely been blessed, honored--whatever you want to call it, with some winners. Obviously I think they are winners otherwise I would not associate with them. Without them I would not be part of the book club I love or the Bible Study I find so intriguing or the non-profit I am so inspired by. I would not have a kickball game to look forward to every Sunday, and exciting plan every weekend night or anyone to ride my bike, run, walk, ski or dance with. I would not spend as many hours talking, learning, laughing, eating or simply enjoying. I would not have travel bug skittering through my veins, I would not be making the transition from the world of just me to everyone else as smoothly as I feel I am. Don't get me wrong, it takes time, but I'm not sure I would have even started that transition or seen how badly I really needed it. Bottom line I would not be happy like I am, I would not be challenged like I am, I would not be like. I. Am. Period. So thanks, friends for making me a better, more improved, little less selfish ME. Maybe one of them would like to go to ice cream with me? Or maybe, since I am transitioning, ice cream ON me! Now who could resist that?!

Freedom

Sinking Chairs

I have just decided that balance and relationships are the key to my very existence. If I don't have balance between doing the things I want to do, need to do, have to do then I get very cranky. Lightly put. And if I don't have good relationships surrounding me I get very cranky. Very lightly put. So there it is, simple yet to the point.

Of course we all know that brevity isn't really my forte so why should I make it that way now? That would just be plain silly. Speaking of plain silly, isn't it funny how we always realize how important something was after it has already gone or been lost or broken? Take for instance this lovely little red desk chair I have owned for so many years. It's a nice chair--not the most comfortable, I find skyping in it for hours makes me antsy--but it's still nice. The other day I began to finally appreciate it because it could actually roll around now that I have hardwood floors. That was thrilling to me. I was showing my friends this thrilling new excitement just that day. Later I thought it would be also thrilling to show my friend on skype how I can make it go down really fast. Now, this is nothing new in the world of chairs but watching my head suddenly drop in the camera was amusing to both of us. So I did a few times for a few laughs. Naturally. After doing this a few times the chair sunk. And then it never went back to it's full height again. Just like that. Just as I was starting to really appreciate it. Just as I was starting to really take notice of all of it's great qualities, now, every time I sit in it, I am quickly reminded of it's flaws and more annoyingly, my stupidity. It is also extremely inconvenient especially when I'm typing. And I look really dumb all low in my chair.

Ok, I'm finished with my chair rant. But isn't that just the garbage monster's pajamas? I thought so too. On the other side of the spectrum I had a delightful day of some of my favorite things--swimming, lifting, biking, eating, more eating, movie watching and in a little, seeing some friends.

As I end this post because of lack of brain function, I have but one question:

Have you ever seen an elephant play a violin? Cause I did.