I have been meaning to write something meaningful, but today is probably not the day. I can at least try I guess. For some reason I had a really hard time getting motivated today. Sure I swam and did abs, I even took the dog on a walk and wrote a little. I made an appointment, talked to friends, ate dinner, caught up on tv and the internet and made plans for later this week. But all of that probably takes up just a small portion of any normal person’s day. For me it is the whole thing. I don’t know why I am having a hard time with it, its not like there is something I necessarily HAVE to do, but there is always something I feel like I have to do. It’s a bit unsettling when I actually have too much time because then I have too much time to think about all of the things I’m not doing. And I feel like there is something that always needs to be done. I think my method for coping with this demon is just to either hang out with friends, forgetting anything that has to do with anything really, or to get out of the house. And that usually leads me to the gym.
So I guess that is really great for my social and physical self, but what about my intellectual self? What is it left to do? I feel like it has been forgotten for so long not only has it gotten rusty and dusty, it is now slowly starting to deteriorate. Funny how I probably never thought this would happen. Go back to three years ago I would have killed for this lifestyle. Truly, I do what I want when I want without the dread of homework hanging over my head. Not saying I want homework, I just want a purpose. Right now I feel like a lost soul and in order to get out of that slump I need to do it myself before getting thrown into the working world. Which will inevitably happen someday. Hopefully. As much growing I have done over the past year I still have deserts and mountains to climb before I can even begin to crack the shell of who I am. And I am determined to start as soon as possible, the hard part is just figuring out where. I feel like I am all over the place and I just need to plant my feet firmly and start walking in the right direction. Where ever that may be. It is entirely possible there is no one right direction anyway. Which makes things a lot more confusing for those of us beginning to search for it.
All of this time I’ve done a great job discovering myself, but now I feel like I need to search for myself. I need to try harder than I am. I need to get the ball rolling. I have my days, today was not one of them, but I do have them. I feel like I am making positive forward progress. I feel like I can be proud of what I have done so far. But when days like today hit, those feelings are so easily forgotten that I end up feeling like I have made no forward progress at all. So it begins again. The clock is ticking, now its just time to get those wheels turning.
It’s always easier said than done...
Isn't it?
