CHEESE

Lately I feel as though my writing has been as crazy as a barn full of angry bees. Or something like that. My brain has been to outer space and back only to shoot back up there again. So I thought I would give myself a more structured assignment, but after a minute of thinking I realized I can't think about a topic. UNTIL...

I remembered my friend texted me this morning and told me it was National Cheese Day! Well not only did that excite me but it also made me frustrated because no one has been talking about it at all! I bet people in Wisconsin knew. But no one here was even looking forward to it. Either way I was very happy that without even knowing it I did these things:

Ate a bite of a piece of cheese as the first thing I ate this morning

Put extra cheese on my sandwich

Had one of those Ritz spreadable cheese snacks around ten when I was starving

I always knew I had a strong bond with cheese but this is something more than that. This is like a cosmic sign telling me that cheese and I are one. That I could not live without it. There is one type of cheese I do not like and I honestly feel bad about it (Swiss). I wish I liked it but I just don't.

I wish I had a story of my first love with cheese but it was surely before I even remember. I do remember thinking a hunk of butter was cheese and cutting off a huge piece and sticking it in my mouth only to quickly realize that it wasn't cheese. Too embarrassed to admit what I had just done I slowly swallowed the butter and bowed my head in shame. Or something dramatic like that. Cheese is my blame for not having a skinny butt. Cheese is my blame for the thousands of stomach aches I have endured over my lifetime. Cheese is even to blame for my lovely barf during CrossFit last week (don't worry it was in the toilet). Cheese is the reason for my newly found grocery store excitement. Now that King Soopers has cheese samples I am always excited to go for a little shopping trip.

Simply put, cheese makes me happy. So happy cheese day to all you cheesy cheese lovers out there. It is surely a great day in our nation's history.

Mmmm. Cheese.

Rolling Wheels

As my last post stated I'm not going to sit around and wait for things to happen, I'm going to take things into my own hands! I have decided along with the mundane life of subbing I needed to add a little purpose to my life. Subbing is not exactly my dream job--just trying to get connections so I can achieve my actual dream job. I am loving the laid back style of it because when I'm outta there I'm done. I don't have any work to do, but that leaves me with a little more time on my hands than I really knew what to do with. Until recently I have filled it mostly with working out and friends. Now I feel like I am filling it with something a little more that relates to what I want to really do in life--make a difference.

So first things first: i have. i give.

We are a non profit organization that is simply what is sounds like. You give what you have. If you have time you can give that, if you have hair give that, if you have blood, well gosh darn it--go and give it away! We have collected donations for various groups/organizations, put on events and gone to volunteer. Although this is not necessarily my ultimate DREAM it is a huge part of who I want to become. I want the world to grow not only for me but for people around me. I want to meet people who are giving what they have, I want to inspire others who want to do it but don't exactly know how to go about doing it. I want to be part of something bigger. Life gets busy and it is easy to get caught up in what you feel you have to do. But I have realized that it means so much more and you feel so much more full filled if you give to others. It's a new thing for me--a learning process because although I haven't been greedy with my things or my lifestyle I haven't necessarily been GIVING. So here we go the start of something that will hopefully be a huge movement someday :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-have-I-give/103863413009307
http://ihaveigive.blogspot.com/
Next thing: CrossFit Conquer

CrossFit is something different than I have ever done. I've swam my whole life, I've played (or tried to play) just about every sport out there, I've lifted, I've biked and ran and trained for a triathlon. I've skied and snowboarded, I've snowshoed and surfed and out of all of these things nothing has made me as out of breath as the 15 minutes I'm working out at CrossFit. Literally--the workouts are between six and twenty minutes but they are at such a high intensity you will find you are more tired after six minutes of a CrossFit workout than thirty on a treadmill. Recently I have gotten into this after a friend told me to try it out. I love the fact that there is a small number of people doing the same workout as me, I love that there is always a coach right there to push you when you need it. So I jumped on the CrossFit train and hopefully it will be something I see benefits from--physically and mentally. I have started to rep it to others because somehow I am now the marketing/event planner for the one near my house. Although daunting I am ready to take on this responsibility and make it so this CrossFit Conquer can grow and eventually become bigger than it even is now. This way I am able to get a workout as well as help the people who started this make it into what they envision. Again--giving what I have (time and maybe a little bit of social skills?) http://www.crossfitconquer.com/crossfit-conquer/

My true love: Writing

Now, this may seem obvious since I already have a blog. My blog is not really my passion. I mean, yes writing is my passion but this is just a soundboard for something more. Now this isn't really a new obsession and it has been put on the backboard for a long time, but I am thinking seriously about getting into some sort of writing job where I can write articles for whoever will take me. Since I have yet to really look into that, that is something that is beginning to come front and center in my brain. But my true dream is to write a book. My first idea is a book about me. I've had my doubts about this because my life isn't really the crazy jumping into the ocean off 500 foot rocks and swimming to Africa type of life--but I have had encouragement from those around me that I could write something worth reading. My strength? Humor. Well, hopefully. I could write a book about myself and make it lighthearted and funny. For the most part. There are surely things in my life that although not funny at the time, are undoubtedly hilarious now. We will have to see. So far I've only begun what may be a very long process.

In the future:
Teaching English. Obviously this is what I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I can't wait to actually get the in the classroom and explore the challenges and rewards with being a high school (or even middle school) English teacher.
Coaching swimming. This I have started on a smaller scale. I have coached summer leagues and loved it more than just about an other job I've had. Someday my dream would be to start a swim team like my old coach did and take swimmers on training trips to the beach. That is my biggest dream right now--but also one that is most far away.

Other things that should be on the list:
Scrap booking--I love it, I've started one, I got distracted and stopped. I need to finish it because it is close to my heart and my year in Japan has become a big part of me that I would like to share with anyone who will listen. http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/ (a look into Japan and other travels)

Skiing--I'm making it a goal to go up at least 20 times this season. So far I'm at three so we'll see how I do. I would really love to get those turns down so I can sail down the mountain smoothly!

Swimming--Recently I haven't been in the water just because I don't belong to a gym with a pool anymore. Plus I'm kind of in the mood to take a break from it for a little bit while I focus on other things. No doubt this will be my lifelong sport though.

Biking--Last spring/summer I really got into road biking. I love to be able to explore on my bike and even more than that I love going with others who like to bike. It's nice to get out there and enjoy the day while getting a work out. What I would LOVE is to get a mountain bike and take it up to the foothills this summer. THAT would be something I would really love to try out. It's unrealistic because I don't have the money for a bike like that but a girl can dream, right?

Traveling: This is something I know I will love the rest of my life. Whether it be to the mountains or across the world, traveling is something that sets me free. I have been so fortunate to go visit friends in Boston, New York, Oregon, Connecticut, and St. Kitts as well as experience the beauty of Florida, North Carolina, San Diego, Hawaii, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Belize, Canada and Australia. Even road trips to places like North Dakota have appealed to me because it is something new and exciting. I have a list of the places I want to go and the things I want to do and although it is expensive if you really want something you can do it. My future plans involve teaching abroad again, this time during the summer somewhere in Europe. A lot of international schools hire for about an eight week period and this is something I would love to do. And way down the line, maybe in five years, I want to go to Africa for part of the summer. I want to spend a good amount of time over there doing what I can to help out. I know this is an expensive and far off goal, but I know that if I put it in my head I will be able to achieve it someday.

Closer goals involve:
Fight for Air http://www.lungusa.org/pledge-events/co/denver-climb/
Running a 5k
Training for a triathlon
Planning for a big event with i have. i give. at the end of the SUMMA!
Definitely go white water rafting at some point this summer

PLUS...
Writing more
Hanging out with my brother (even if he doesn't want to hang out with me)
Sending more mail to those who live oh so far
Exploring my area more
Working as much as possible
Applying for jobs (that should be number one on the list)
Calling my grandma more
Seeing people I don't see that much more
Keeping in touch with people far away
Cooking more
Planning a theme party or two :)

Whew! I have A LOT to do now that I look at it. Sheesh. I better get started on something. We'll take one step at a time and I will go update my resume right now and re-submit it to the school district that needs it. Then I can get going on just about everything I just listed.

Time to get those wheels rolling!

Blog Barf

Every one to three minutes a new song pops into my head. Here has been the last ten minutes:

1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)

So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:

1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.

So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.

So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.

The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.

It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.

Try again.

OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply

I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.

That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.

I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.

So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.

PERIOD.