Small Brains

Recently, I have found myself thinking I wish there was a size that was smaller than small. But the only reason I think that is because I never drink my entire coffee and I always order a small. Then I could pay less because I'm drinking less. I think that's the only thing I have ever wished was smaller than small. It would be cute to have smaller things--especially giraffes. They are so cute when they are small. And puppies. And even kitties. I guess most things are cute when they are smaller. Besides kids--they LOOK cute but watch out, they're deceiving little devils. I guess I only say that now because I have been teaching a rowdy group of sixth graders for the past three days. You think an 11 year old really couldn't do that much damage. But then put 30 of them in a room together and h o l y m o t h e r. Let's just say I can wait to have my own classroom for now. Although the kids act a bit different around a sub. Let's hope.

A lot has been going on recently and I found myself in awe that it is already November. Wasn't it just August? Such is life lately and although I am by no means complaining, I am amazed at how you can get sucked into the whirlwind of it all. There has been something going on literally EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and I must say, I love it. I just wish it would go by slower. With Book Club, Bible Study, i have. i give., kickball, hopefully joining a new swim team as well as the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, I don't have much time to get bored. Which is great, I just need to be sure to leave some time for self reflection. I have also been thinking a lot about writing and feeling like since I don't have a full time job right now I should really make this more of a priority. I am planning on looking into some places I would be able to write to and maybe get published with an article someday. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease.

My life has permanently shifted. I have felt myself being pulled in all directions and I decided to choose one and go with it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pulled from my chest and the only thing I can do is follow it. I am an emotional person and now matter how much I wish it wasn't, most of the time I will always go with how I feel rather than what I am thinking. Feelings for me are something much deeper, much stronger and just much MORE than the logic that goes on in my head. Usually, if my feelings are being a bit silly I just try and keep them at bay but they never really go away. I feel as though I can express myself fully when I am acknowledging them full-heatedly. Lately, even with all of the wonderful things that are filling my heart, making me feel "full", I can't help but think there is a giant hole at the bottom where it is all just draining out. I know I am greedy but I want more. Or I would like to find a way to patch that nasty hole. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease. Despite my current bitterness I still have a little bit of hope underneath everything else. I also know that my vagueness is at an all time high in this paragraph :)


With the holidays just around the bend I can't help but feel excited. I'm actually feeling conflicting emotions considering I'm going to be on the beach for Christmas. Now, I'm definately not complaining, but it will be different from the white Christmas I am used to. I guess I was in Thailand two years ago and it never gets cold there. I think at that point I was just happy to finally be with my family.

This year I will probably be even happier when I am scuba diving in the Caribbean. There is nothing like SCUBA diving. It is the most free, weightless and amazed I have ever felt. The water does that too me, though. It has this overpowering effect that I could never truly describe in words.


Although it may not seem like it from this post, but I really do have a brain. It's just not here right now and I can't find it since it's missing. It's all a vicious circle really. Enjoy the brainless writing :)

Dancing with Death

The other night we talked about death. We talked about our fears, our thoughts on what happens after our bodies have had enough of this world. We talked about what we believed this after world to look like. We talked about if we were afraid, if we would be ready, if there was anything at all to be ready for. Now, this may sound morbid, but why? Why does this topic always have to be so hush hush? I feel like it is viewed as this "do not enter" zone of conversation. But why can't we go in? Have a look around? Explore the inevitable? Why can't we learn more about this? Can't we learn to look at is as not this dreaded Ultimate End, but just simply as a part of life? Can't we focus on being prepared for the inevitable? Too many people are frightened to death of the unknown, but what good will that fear really do? Why not be excited for it? I'm not saying get out the calendar and start marking off the days until you're taking a dirt nap for the rest of eternity, but why not just pass in peace?

My intentions with death would be to die ready and non-remorseful. I guess I don't have much of a say in it. I will die when it is my time to die, but I want to make sure I truly and completely lived with every breath I was given and give every last breath to life. As I have written before--the true miracle is that we are even here in the first place. For the time being I will relish in that.

At this age it is somewhat of a strange thing to be thinking about, but I do wonder how people who know they are going to die really feel. And how they go about feeling peaceful. Knowing the people they left behind will be ok, knowing they have done all they could to make their lives and the lives around them full, knowing that it is just all part of the circle of life. I think that coming to grips and really harnessing that thought would be something that could potentially take your whole life just to conquer. Is anyone truly and completely ready? One of my friends said something that struck me deeply, what about the people we leave behind? How do you deal with that? Then I began thinking and a furious tangent of thoughts came to my head I was not able to push away. What if we regretted missing out on them? On their lives? On our relationship with them? On what we could have done for them? How could we ever feel ready to go in peace when we were sad about all of that? How could they let us go if they felt that way too? I guess that is why people cry at funerals. I guess that is why death is so profoundly tragic. Because so many people are so sure they will never see that person again. They will never feel what they felt around that person again. That is what makes you weep as their body--this body you have grown to love--is nothing but cold matter being put into the ground. But then, against what might feel like overwhelming odds, the strength of faith can press through. Faith is telling us that this body had really nothing to do with the person inside of it. Faith is telling us there is much more than what meets the eye. Sure, our bodies stand to tell what we have done or been through, but it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with this person. At this point you can choose to know that's that. There is nothing else, you will never see them again, life will never be the same. Or you can choose to think that you know their spiritual self has gone on and that someday yours too will meet up with them. That this is not the end of the road, it is just a part of the road. Free will is one of our many wonderful traits as human beings, so I guess that is just one of the things that you use it for. To go on or not. I say, whatever helps you sleep at night. Believe what you want, I'm not one to judge. All I know is that the relationships we make on this earth could possibly determine them for after this earth. For the white marshmallow land as I like to envision it. I also think that just because some believe that relationships might go on past our time on planet Earth doesn't mean time should be wasted just because you think there might be endless amounts of it. There's my advice of the day. Use your free will to do what you want with that.

All this death talk makes me want to have a good old fashioned dance party. There's nothing like feeling alive after a dance party! Now that I have my very own apartment I can dance all day. It's amazing I haven't taken full advantage of that yet. Well, looks like I know what I'll be doing Friday afternoon! TGIF!

Ice Cream Friends

Today is a beautiful October day. I know because I went outside a few times for a few minutes. I was actually very grateful the whole walk from my car to Barns and Noble. And even just as grateful on my jaunt back. And then I felt like I had really taken advantage of the day while I walked from my car back into the school I was subbing at. Sarcasm aside, I really was glad though, as I walked into the bookstore, because I thought about the day I do have a real job "planning" hour will actually mean planning. Not finding the closest coffee shops where I can read or write. So even though I might have enjoyed yesterday a little more (swimming outside, laying in the lawn chair, talking a walk down the street), today can still be enjoyed because of other things I can do. I need to realize just because I can't be outside every second of everyday doesn't mean that day was a waste. It is what you do with your time that makes the day worthwhile.

When I first started student teaching I remember thinking I had committed myself to a life of imprisonment. I remember looking in the teacher's lunch room and thinking oh my gosh, how depressing. I remember gazing longingly outside while the students played basketball simply wishing I could enjoy the day on the other side of the wall. After time went on I began to think less and less of being outside (maybe because it was winter...) and more and more about the students and the teachers around me. Soon the lunch room was not depressing, but a place where I could rest for just a little bit before the next rowdy class filtered into my room. A place where I could vent about the what stupid thing Billy did that day or laugh with the other teachers. I have hope that real teaching one day will be like this. I will not look in teachers' offices and grimace at the time they spend in there everyday while I go out into the world, but rather I will enjoy being with my colleagues in the dimly lit office eating my smashed turkey sandwich. And even on days where the sun shines warmly and beckons me to go outside, I will remember I have the whole entire summer off. That will make it all worth it. I hope.

I can't complain before I even get a job, plus my dear friend Ashley did bring up a good point. She reminded me that teachers get done with school around three. So even if I had loads of work to do and I spent two hours at school doing it, I would still be getting finished around the same time as normal people do. It's all perspective here. Plus, it's not about me, right? It's all about the students. It is hard for me to think of that now because I only have 'pretend someday students', but when the time comes, I will have real live students. Hopefully doing something else will be the last thing on my mind. As hard as I know it will be, I look forward to that day.

On a complete side note, does anyone else feel guilty when eating ice cream alone but when you go with someone else its totally fun and carefree? And you feel somehow the calories don't count?? Just thinking about ice cream a lot lately but I won't go alone because the one time I went alone it scarred me with everlasting guilt. I guess I'll have to make some friends :)

Speaking of friends, I have definitely been blessed, honored--whatever you want to call it, with some winners. Obviously I think they are winners otherwise I would not associate with them. Without them I would not be part of the book club I love or the Bible Study I find so intriguing or the non-profit I am so inspired by. I would not have a kickball game to look forward to every Sunday, and exciting plan every weekend night or anyone to ride my bike, run, walk, ski or dance with. I would not spend as many hours talking, learning, laughing, eating or simply enjoying. I would not have travel bug skittering through my veins, I would not be making the transition from the world of just me to everyone else as smoothly as I feel I am. Don't get me wrong, it takes time, but I'm not sure I would have even started that transition or seen how badly I really needed it. Bottom line I would not be happy like I am, I would not be challenged like I am, I would not be like. I. Am. Period. So thanks, friends for making me a better, more improved, little less selfish ME. Maybe one of them would like to go to ice cream with me? Or maybe, since I am transitioning, ice cream ON me! Now who could resist that?!

Freedom

Sinking Chairs

I have just decided that balance and relationships are the key to my very existence. If I don't have balance between doing the things I want to do, need to do, have to do then I get very cranky. Lightly put. And if I don't have good relationships surrounding me I get very cranky. Very lightly put. So there it is, simple yet to the point.

Of course we all know that brevity isn't really my forte so why should I make it that way now? That would just be plain silly. Speaking of plain silly, isn't it funny how we always realize how important something was after it has already gone or been lost or broken? Take for instance this lovely little red desk chair I have owned for so many years. It's a nice chair--not the most comfortable, I find skyping in it for hours makes me antsy--but it's still nice. The other day I began to finally appreciate it because it could actually roll around now that I have hardwood floors. That was thrilling to me. I was showing my friends this thrilling new excitement just that day. Later I thought it would be also thrilling to show my friend on skype how I can make it go down really fast. Now, this is nothing new in the world of chairs but watching my head suddenly drop in the camera was amusing to both of us. So I did a few times for a few laughs. Naturally. After doing this a few times the chair sunk. And then it never went back to it's full height again. Just like that. Just as I was starting to really appreciate it. Just as I was starting to really take notice of all of it's great qualities, now, every time I sit in it, I am quickly reminded of it's flaws and more annoyingly, my stupidity. It is also extremely inconvenient especially when I'm typing. And I look really dumb all low in my chair.

Ok, I'm finished with my chair rant. But isn't that just the garbage monster's pajamas? I thought so too. On the other side of the spectrum I had a delightful day of some of my favorite things--swimming, lifting, biking, eating, more eating, movie watching and in a little, seeing some friends.

As I end this post because of lack of brain function, I have but one question:

Have you ever seen an elephant play a violin? Cause I did.

"There are endless possibilities to the human spirit"

As the last song on my i-pod ended I heard the rhythmic beating of my heart pulsing against my ear buds. I felt the air whooshing into the bottom of my lungs, listened to the pound, pound, pound of my heavy feet on the damp gravel. The sun peaked through the multicolored tree in front of me creating shadows that danced around my feet. I heard a dog bark in the distance and ran past a couple laughing and holding hands. I smiled at my friend next to me. "Life," I thought "is simply this. Is about the love for something real, the beauties of nature, the complexity of our own existence, the compassion and love of the relationships you have." In that moment I was truly amazed. I was in awe of my own simple existence. I was inspired by the true beauty of it all. One of my favorite quotes filtered into my at that moment "If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all" --Will Durant. I full-heartily believe in that. Without realizing the compactly of our own greatness, our own abilities, our own utter existence then this is the life is not the potential is can be. You may say I've got the dreamers disease, I believe I do most of the time too--but because of that I take in the amazement's of life frequently so I do not forget the awesomeness that lies within this world, that lies within each of us. It is easy to get tripped up in the mundane everyday or get frustrated with just life, but these are the little things that can only equip us for the big things. If there is no frustration then what can you compare relaxation or happiness to? How can you compare if you cannot contrast?

Running around the park I cannot help but be humbled by the sheer beauty of nature. The next day I once again felt that way as I was swimming. The cool water rushed past me as I quickly moved my arms behind me. Since I was swimming backstroke I had a clear view of the fast-moving clouds with the sun peaking through. Suddenly a large flock of black birds scattered across the sky, looking like tiny chocolate chips spilling out of the bag. I am always thankful for outdoor swimming :)

I often wonder what life would be like if I were born somewhere else or someone else. Although impossible, that thought almost always floors me every time. I try to imagine living in a state or country I visit or see on TV. I even think about what it would be like to be a certain person--someone I see driving, I think "where are they going? What are they thinking right now?". Whether it be just my friend down the street, a teacher in Japan, a doctor in India or even the President I wonder what a day in their shoes is like. I think the reason I am so baffled by it all is because it is virtually impossible to truly feel a life that is not yours. You can even be with someone in their every walk of life--spend all day with them and still not even come close to how they perceive and experience the same things you are. Naively or maybe more so, ignorantly, I often wish I could live multiple lives so I could compare, just so I could understand. I honestly think understanding another person is the only way we can truly begin to create a wold of tolerance, acceptance and peace.

I sound like a big time hippy right now, but there are just a lot of jerks out there who can only wrap their head around themselves and what they want. Most likely not even that. It becomes nothing but temporary satisfaction and then it is not hard to get lost within the confusion of all of THIS. Just like this post is beginning to do.

All I'm trying to say here is hug a tree, read a book, ride your bike without your hands, sweat like you mean it, dance until you're breathless, indulge in something refreshing, learn the world and then teach the world, and of course eat lots of delicious cheeses.

That's all I'm trying to say, really. With that, go fourth and do good.

From the Journey Behind to the Journey Ahead

When the question of to travel or not to travel is posed to me, I of course choose to travel! Which is how I ended up on my most recent of adventures: a 28 hour road trip to the good old (and very far) state of Connecticut. It so happened that my old roommate and great friend, Lauren, decided to bid farewell to all of us lazy westerners and take on the world of life in the fast lane. Quite literally--upon arriving in the East coast people were hurriedly speeding past us at 10, 15 and even 20 miles faster than the speed limit. We quickly realized those limits were more guidelines than actual rules (they're just like pirates out there). We early left on a calm and sunny Friday in Denver, Colorado after a teary goodbye exchange between Lauren and her mom and we were off with nothing but the almost 1700 miles of road between us and our desired destination. Lauren's trip was not one for business but rather in the name of love so she put petal to metal for every hour of the 28 to make it in a timely fashion. It so happens that her car was a stick shift which is ironic because that is the only car I can't drive. Fast ones, slow ones, big ones, little ones--those I can do. But stick shift...not so much :) Despite my initial worries, it actually turned out fine and we decided that as long as I wasn't sleeping I was doing a great job of just keeping good company. So we set of driving the first nine hours until stopping in lovely and incredibly exciting Iowa. The drive was less than thrilling--Colorado being the most boring of all with nothing but prairie as far as the eye could see. We ended out trip in the overcast city of Des Moines, our heads swirling with dreams of just laying flat on a bed. Miles and miles of corn really tuckers you out! Needless to say, I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow (well, kinda).

Day two was an 8 hour stretch and now that we were road tripping pros we only stopped twice the whole way through the Midwest. Our diet was top notch--all of the five star restaurants we could find--Dairy Queen, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, McD's, Starbucks, Steak and Shake. Really high quality places and you can imagine how good we felt after such feasts! I've never looked better. Our second night we stayed in a small town right off the highway in Ohio. We felt they were quite friendly as we passed through Wood County onto Cummings Road. I could tell this was gonna be a real stand up place. As soon as I walked into the room I knew I was right. They did not disappoint in Milan, Ohio. In the corner of the room was a giant, pink "whirlpool" tucked neatly in the corner. Oh, and did I mention this was the corner of the BEDROOM? Upon seeing such a surprise I did what you should expect me to do--cheer while I ran to grab my swim suit (I knew it would need it for something!). I figured I might as well take advantage of amazing relaxation while I could. Lauren was weirded out as any normal person would be, but she was a good sport and took a picture of me in this wonderful whirlpool to post on the worldwide web. I've never had the extreme luxury of watching TV in my own private hotubbathwhirlpool so taking advantage of that was surely a memory I will never forget. It was the perfect treat to relax after a tiring day of sitting.

The next day was our final stretch into the great wilderness and I have to say this day was my favorite. Getting out of the Midwest could have done it for me on its own but to top it off was the amazing scenery. It was as if the weather knew the state boarder line because almost immediately upon arriving in Pennsylvania the clouds parted and displayed hundreds of thousands of brilliantly beautiful multi-colored trees so crowded together it looks as though they were stacked one on top of the other. I tried to capture the majesty of this picturesque scene but my little Kodak camera did not do it a bit of justice. I felt like there should have been really inspirational road trip montage-like music as we drove to create even more awe with the breathtaking visions around us. We passed from a luscious and enchanting Pennsylvania into a rockier New Jersey then into a densely populated New York and finally into Stamford, Connecticut, Lauren's new home sweet home. All with the help of the AAA guidebook and our dear friend, Garney (yes, we named the GPS). Exhausted and relieved we made our way into Lauren and Brett's new apartment. It's hard for me to imagine what this would be like--going to an unknown place, walking into an apartment you have never seen that is your new home and starting a life with the person you love. I'm not in the place right now—no where close to it really, but being there made me me see what it would be life. It made me realize that in some distant way I'm excited for all of that. But until then I was really excited for them! So we wasted no time in setting up house and trying to make these empty rooms into a home. We ran crazy errands--lots of Target trips, Wal-Mart, the mall, the store. They bought stuff and lots of it and we were quick to put it in its rightful place. We explored town, took walks, tasted the local eateries, and even built a neat little desk and enjoyed a brew at a local bar. It was fun to see a glimpse of what their lives are going to be like and I was glad she let me be a part of it. But after almost a week it was time for me to shake the dust off my small town boots and put on my big city city shoes to stir things up in the Big Apple.

I took the express train from Stamford to New York and then the subway to meet my old pal, Alex. As soon as I got there, there was no mistaking it--I was definitely in New York City. It was almost a culture shock from the small town I was in just an hour ago. Since this was my second time visiting the familiars of the place all came rushing back along with my love for it. It's hard not to fall in love with a place like NYC, it’s hip and exciting, fast and fashionable, loud and dirty and you are constantly stimulated by everything around you. Maybe I don't know myself well enough, but I couldn't tell if I could live in a place like that. I don't know if central park would cure my outdoorsy itch or if I would miss the wilderness. I don't think I could live there forever, but maybe for a while in my young years. In all honestly I don't see myself moving there anytime soon so I don't think I even need to worry about it, but it is a vision that I think of sometimes. I couldn't get enough of it--the sights--especially the people, the smells, the vibe. It’s just so, well simply put, cool. The "ultimate melting pot experiment" as Alex's friend, Julian, put it. Throw together all types of people from all sorts of backgrounds all over the world-- construct a giant concrete jungle and tell them all to go play. Now, it’s not the nicest of play grounds but even with their disputes they seem to have some unspoken way of how they all can "get along". They don't always play nice and they aren't afraid to express themselves (yelling, honking...) but it seems to work for them and it works magic on me every time.

After Alex and I debriefed and caught up we wined and dined at a delicious pizza place not far from his apartment on the lower east side. We met his pal Julian for a few drinks afterwards and after reading the actual scripts from SNL (Julian works there) we decided to call it a relatively early night. Well, at least for New York standards.

Friday was spent walking which was what I wanted to do anyway. I just needed to take it all in. Julian and I went to the financial district and got to see the famous Wall Street and that huge bull that everyone loves so damn much. We walked to Battery Park to get a somewhat foggy view of good old Lady Liberty and a very clear view of Spongebob Squarepants himself. We meandered to and outdoor food/shopping pier to meet Alex and his co-worker for lunch before heading to Brooklyn Bridge. I snapped some pictures of the city and the water around us, yet the camera did not to the magnificent city justice. Once again. It was a hot and muggy day so around five we decided to head back to the apartment after grabbing some delicious gelato from "El Labratorio"--a past favorite for me. We relaxed until we decided to head back out--this time across town to meet New York local and long time friend of Alex's, Tomas. Alex and I hopped on the subway and took the long ride across town, stopping once for a quick Chipotle fix. From there (and after watching a chunk of one of my favorite flicks--Slumdog Millionaire) we hit up a few bars back near Alex's place and danced deep into the night. The End. Just kidding, that just sounded really corny. But it really was deep into the night--clubs and bars shut down around 3:30 or 4 in the morning--just the time I would normally be actually falling asleep from a night out. So you can imagine after closing, the loitering, the eating of hot dogs, bedtime is almost at sunrise. Gotta love it.

Saturday we got up at the ungodly hour of noon and made our way to a bar to watch the BC football team get stomped since Alex and Tomas are such good alumni. Afterwards Alex and I walked around taking our time, stopping to sit on a bench to listen to some jam band from Oregon if just lazily relax in the park, basking in the mid afternoon sun. We walked up to Times Square and weaved our way through the masses before meeting up with one of his friends for a drink. Later we feasted on Indian good--a taste that has been missing from my life since Japan. It was a good reunion for my taste buds. After we showered and watched the Rockies win we took a cab to Brooklyn for an apartment fiesta with Tomas and his brother.

Now, this was no normal apartment gathering. From the outside it looked pretty nice and quiet but when we went in the fancy elevators and slick floors made me think this was not just any old apartment. When we got to this guy's place we were greeted by friends of theirs and offered too much food. There was a living room with bedrooms on each side with a big window that opened up to a nice view. But it was up the swirly staircase that was really the amazing view. He had a deck that overlooked all of Manhattan and at that time of night it was absolutely brilliant. The cameras we had didn't reach the city lights so I could only hold this shot in my memory. There is just something unbelievable that something like that was built by the hand of a man. Don't get me wrong, any nature view could out-wow me compared to a city view, but the view of New York from far away is on the top of my breathtaking city views just next to Bangkok, Seoul and Tokyo.

After we had our fix of viewing, eating, drinking and chatting we took a cab back to Manhattan and hit up the clubs once again. We danced until the last possible minute the club was open and probably crawled into bed just a little before 6 am. The next day was a leisurely one, we walked around the apple street fair, eating and watching the crowds. I love street markets so I was heartedly enjoying this one. Plus the apples and apple juice were among the best I've tasted. Must be why they call it the Big Apple! I also got a very trendy NY looking hat and some nice, big, red sunglasses. Later we went to a bar and watched the Broncos lose as we battled our way through three giant plates of nachos. The part of town really came alive at night and on our walk home I was extremely entertained with the people all around us. As well as my own company, we had a great time.

Alex walked and rode with me back to Grand Central and we waited on a staircase for my train. There is a reason they call that place Grand Central--it really is grand. The ceilings are so tall that after a while I can't even really tell where they begin. They are covered with beautiful paintings that arch and turn with the curve of the building. After Alex and I said our goodbyes, I took the train back to Stamford where Lauren and Brett picked me up and took me back to their even more furnished apartment. In my absence they had an extremely productive weekend!
The next day Lauren and I just hung out before she took me to the airport that was actually in New York, but closer to CT. We had a teary hug--saying goodbye never gets any easier. This time was different because although we have somewhat become more accustomed to goodbyes, we always knew when the next time we would see each other would be. This time it is a mystery. I did feel better knowing that her journey was going to be an exciting adventure and she has been waiting a long time for this!

My journey home was a long one--a layover in Atlanta with a delayed flight and by the time I finally got home, sleep was heavy on my mind. Since then things have been a whirlwind. I started packing since I signed a lease on an apartment near wash park (!!), and I tried to get back in the swing of subbing, working out and friends. We had a game night, the last night of Denver Cruisers (ski in ski out theme) and the big weekend move. I literally spent all weekend shopping, packing and organizing to get everything moved over by Sunday. My goal was complete with the help of four of my best friends and of course my parents. By the time nine o'clock Sunday night rolled around I was comfortably sitting in my new apartment, everything put in its respected places and boxes stacked to the ceiling. My main tasks this week will be decorating and running. Lots of running. I signed up for a 10k a few months ago thinking I would be ready. Ha! Funny how time just slips away and somehow there it is--the date you thought was so far away is right in your face.

Laying in bed last night I couldn't help but just feel excited for life. It took me forever to just fall asleep because my mind wouldn't turn off. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I feel like this move finally revved my motivation into gear. The year after Japan was an interesting one and although there were times where I felt extremely stagnant and frustrated with myself, there was also growth going on that only my older self can look back and see. Japan expanded me, made me grow in unimaginable ways and just because I was home and not learning something new everyday doesn't mean that I wasn't learning at all. I was taking in the relationships around me, molding them into something that could last the rest of my life. I was learning how to deal with uncertainty and most of all learning how to know and feel good about myself. Of course I wavered, of course I lost my footing at times, but if I did not I would not be human. I feel I am in a better place now than I was six months ago and I just hope to continue to grow so I can say that six months from now.

It seems the real reason I couldn't sleep is because I cannot wait to see where the road ahead takes me. I am elated because so far it has taken me on a pretty amazing and wild ride. Now that, my friends, is a good reason for not being able to sleep!

I am Brilliant. I am Beautiful.

I'm a little water logged from the night of diving on my face one too many times, but I thought I would give the old blog a whirl. A lot has been going on in my head lately and writing it down only makes me realize that it is no longer in my head but now it's something that needs to be done. It has become this physical thing that if not tended to can turn into a monster I need to battle. A little dramatic, I know, but I'm all for the theatrical lately. I've been very emo these past couple of weeks so I'm allowing it to continue until I start wearing dark make-up and dying my hair black. Then maybe I would need to draw the line at that.

Without going into grotesque detail about my life events I will say this; holy mother. I have been slapped in the face with a big fat IDIOT paddle. And it really hurts, Charlie. My head came unscrewed but instead of screwing it back on when I began to realize I ignored it and eventually it feel off completely. It's amazing how something has to blow up in my face for me to even realize there was a bomb waiting to explode in the first place. I saw it, I heard it ticking...I guess I just thought it would be fun to see what happens when it goes off. Well, it wasn't really fun. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Seeing that I lost my head and all. But! Don't worry, I found it and I am slowly screwing it back on. It's hard than I thought, but it needs to be done. As I said in my earlier post, running from responsibilities isn't really all its cracked up to be. I'm beginning to act like a teenage wasteland. If there were such a noun. I got pulled out of the firey inferno of pathetic existance and here I stand. Not necessairly waiting, just a little shocked I guess. But soon I will be kicked into gear and life will resume Jessicaness. Yes, that is now a word. I need to find myself in all of these falsities. I can't belive I had lost myself--this great person whom I had gotten to know and like so well for this person I had never even met. It was really sad actually, I didn't like that person at all but somehow she stuck around to reek havic on my perfect little bubble I had created for myself. And now I am left cleaning up the pieces. Good riddens, jerk! So here I am ready to climb back up the mountain and conquer it before going up the next one.

I realize there are a lot of silly metaphors in there and I don't really expect anyone to interpret what actually has been happening. I tend to circle around things a lot which I need to work on. Especially if I'm going back to school someday. See? There I go again. Anyway, I think I'm going to get a move on with things I actually really need to do rather than all these things I want to do. It's not working out how I thought. Sometimes, things you think might be a breeze actually turn out to be way too hard. I knew it was a trick! Life can't just work out everytime! Silly me, what was I thinking?

So what I am trying to say in these riddled thoughts is this: I am better than what I have been. I have so much untapped potential. As I once wrote in my journal (in very bright markers, mind you) I am brilliant, I am beautiful. Except the funniest part was that I spelled brilliant wrong. I laughed about it for a long time. If you can't laugh at yourself then just forget it. And then never told anyone until now. It feels good to get if off my chest. Even if no one reads this but me. So there it is, written down. What I had forgotten lately. Sometimes it's hard to do what you know will make you feel better in the long run for temporary satisfaction. It is also hard to ignore what your feelings say and go with what your head says. As I said, I've been emo lately so I thought going with the feelings was a good trend. I definately thought wrong. For now at least. I think there will come a day when I can freely let my feelings go and it will be worth it.

So I am moving on to bigger and better things. These things include (drumroll please):

1. Road tripping it to Connecticut and New York with my old pal and roommate (where she is moving *sad face*)

2. Moving into my OWN place :)

3. Becoming really poor

4. Trying to work a lot so I'm not living on the streets

5. Running a 10k (yuck)

6. Writing more in this here blog

7. Finishing my Japan scrapbook and getting going on my story!

8. Skipping down the street

9. Saying hello to old friends

10. And I think I'll just spend most of December on the beach. Yeah, sounds good. St. Kitts and Belize sound real nice. I can't wait. But before that I need to be deserving of a vacation. So here I go, on to do good things for my world and the world of others.

I cannot get lost within myself ever again. There is a place no one should ever go. So I'm back, ready to take on the world! Or a small, little part of it. But it's my part and that's what matters :)

Peace and love.

This is the Life

Time seems to slide by sneakily these days--it is quick and I rarely notice it until it is too late. Tomorrow is the first day of July and in 28 days I will have been home from the adventure of a lifetime for a year already. It is both upsetting and uplifting, surreal and amazing. Time there was a different beast--it could be my best friend or my worst enemy, but in the end it did nothing but change my life forever. This past year I felt as if I would lay dormant--it was hard to compare with a year in a foreign place where I was constantly learning new things every single day, where I was constantly being tested and challenged. I wanted that again, yet the comforts of the familiar settled in and getting out of that was something of a challenge in itself. I struggled with myself as a person--where I fit in the big scheme of things, where I will end up, how I will make a difference to others, how I will be proud of that difference in myself. Being back in familiar territory was all of the sudden foreign and unknown to me. I wavered and shot up and then down only to shoot back up again not too long later. The culture shock guide explains this will happen so I had braced myself for it for a few months. Not for an entire year. I craved challenge, I craved stimulation, I craved the confusion and unexplainable parts of life, yet everything was making sense. Everything was TOO easy which ironically was making it much more difficult for me to grasp.

I can't say that I have gotten the hang of things yet, nor do I think I will ever, yet I do know that having that knowledge can only make it easier in the long run. I did things that I probably wouldn't have done in the past, I put myself in situations I might have found uncomfortable just so I could welcome back that feeling again. I felt at times I was wasting away. I felt I was not being who I really wanted to be. The point where I have come to is almost to the point of where I want to be to begin my personal journey again. I feel confident in myself once again, knowing that my rightful path will be set out for me once I begin to walk with my head held high knowing that nothing can stop me. This transition has not been easy and my heart breaks to think that I have reverted back to where I was before I left. Then I reach within myself and remember what I have learned and who I have become. I remember what I am grateful for and how my life has been full of wonderful surprises. I must know that there has been so much learned since I have been home and just because it is something I already know doesn't mean I can't look at it with this new set of eyes. I see the same yet I feel differently. Life and the world around you is so much of not how it is looked at physically, but how it is perceived by each person. Now, I know this isn't anything new by any means but it certainly has been making more sense as this mystery of time passes me by. So I can say with confidence that I have not laid dormant this year and that I have learned something new and exciting each day and I have definitely made connections and memories that will last a lifetime. Sometimes, getting caught up in the day to day life can only produce mundane results if you are not able to take a step back and look at the big picture. Just because I am not traveling or meeting someone new at every turn does not mean I am rotting away. I can create this within everyday life. Writing this, I am suddenly saddened that some people--in fact I would say most people go through their lives without ever having realized it. They never step back and look at the small beauties in life and it becomes all too easy to be sucked up within yourself never to escape from the drudgery of your own mind.

I am not saying it is easy to escape this monotonous existence yet it becomes much more do-able once you have realized that you CAN. Once you know that there is no stopping the beautiful journey that is life. Realizing this once again has made me want to take advantage of the little things and try out something new each day if I can. The book club I am in has been extremely helpful in that sense as well as not having a permanent job. I am able to soak up the goodness of each day with full gratitude. Yesterday for instance, I was finished coaching and teaching swim lessons and I just ended up hanging out at the pool with the kids and other coaches. We played around in the water, made up hilarious strokes and laughed as the water cooled our bodies from the relentless summer sun. Later that night I found myself laying under a blanket of stars as I listened to the laughter of the friends I love and I thought to myself something I used to say many years ago before I fully understood its meaning; this is the life. Now I am finally beginning to. This is my one life that I have to live for my happiness, to make a difference, to love, to enjoy, to challenge myself and others, to spread everything that I know and to know each and everyday that this is THE life and I better make the very most of it. There is no better time to start than right now.

The Art of Happiness--its a wrap-er I mean a snap!

Why doesn't anyone like mustard? I mean what is wrong with it? I think its way better than its red colored adversary! I don't think many things in this world are better than mustard on a hog dog. I say that somewhat regrettably, but completely honestly. I guess you will always have to like one over the other. I would rather have salt over pepper and I would rather be cold than hot. I think that is one of the many things that make people interesting. Their differences. If we were all the same then life would be as boring as a political debate. Ok, maybe even worse than that. I guess that is an obvious fact of life, yet it was something that I came to complete terms with last year while living in a country that tries so hard to keep everything similar. To keep everything in perfect harmony.

The Japanese have to, for if they didn't there is no way they would be able to survive on such a small island with so many people. No way at all. I think they all try to be different, but their mannerisms and their general thought process seems to be very similar. Not everything, I'm not saying they all think the same, but just as we are a product of our environments, so are they. The group mentality, the kindness, the sharing, the togetherness are just some of the qualities they share. To a foreigner it could get rough at times. But God I miss it there. It's hard for me at times, even to this day, to wrap my head around the fact that I won't ever go back to living there. I always feel for some reason that I will. That this is just a break and I'll end up back in those classrooms, back in my apartment just as it was, back with my friends singing karaoke late into the night. I always think I'll be able to go on the trips with them or drink rice wine under the beautiful cherry blossoms. There was so much that I didn't do in just one year of being there, and although I was pleased with what I accomplished when I left, I now think about all there still is to see and do. All I wish I could teleport myself to. Just to zap myself back to a potluck dinner with a mixture of Japanese and English speaking friends or to that run on the day where the sunset left the sky glowing in sheer brilliance. I guess there is always a time for wishing and a time for doing, so we will just have to see what time will do. If I wasn't do desperate for a job next fall I could care less and buy a ticket today. But life reminds us all too often that as much as you don't want to grow up, there is just a time where you have to. I admit, I've been avoiding it more than anyone else I know but lately I have been realizing that running from the responsibilities of life isn't really all its cracked up to be. Granted there are pluses to both sides of the spectrum, but I am old enough and let's hope mature enough to be ready for the "real world". This realization came in my own time, as I feel most things in life have. I don't generally like to be rushed and so far things have worked in my favor for that. I can also admit that it has been something I need to work on. I need to push myself to my full potential. I know it is there and I know, if I put my mind to it I can do it. Even if I am one of the only ones who actually likes mustard.

Sometimes I just do what is in my power to do and say the rest will happen as its supposed to. I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason, but that is NOT a reason to get lazy. That is not a reason to think things will just fall in my lap as they so often have. I need to go out and get what I want. And, to quote the Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need". So even if I do go out for what I want and it doesn't necessairy work out, I might later find that it was actually what I needed all along! Life has an interesting way of showing us that. Today I checked out the book "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama because it is what we are reading for book club. I am excited to hear what good old Dali with his tinted glasses has to say about happiness. Is it going out and getting what you want? Or what you need? Or is it accepting the way things happen to you? Or is it waiting until something does happen to you? Or a mixture of all of it? Or maybe none of it? All I know is that the way I have been living my life provides for more than enough happiness, yet I do believe there is always room for more. Until you burst from it I guess. Except there are no known cases of bursting from happiness. Not that I've read anyway.

Speaking of happiness, here is something that is pretty hilarious: www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/01/28/its-a-wrap/

All the comments are what make it worth while :)

Go forth and be good!

:)

There is nothing better than a dress up party. Especially when it is related to the 1980s.

It's All Good

It is definitely past my bedtime but since I had coffee at 2 this afternoon I am still reeling. I should know by now caffeine makes me a big nutball for way too many hours. Either way it has brought me back to my first and only true love, writing. Luckily today my blog is the victim of emotions on a once blank and innocent canvas.

I had a bit of a revelation tonight. Not quite an epiphany--those are the best, but it wasn't quite at that level. I had a heart to heart with one of my best friends and it made me realize one major thing about me at this point in life: I'm happy. I'm really, undeniably happy right now. Now the reason it's not an epiphany is because I already knew that. In fact, I have admitted it to myself a number of times. There are obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons for my utter happiness but as with most things in life it has to do with others around me. It is just the simple act of being able to say it so that I can truly believe it that makes it revalational. Life is all about relationships and I cannot help but take a look around and see all of the positive ones surrounding me. I cannot count the people I love on all the fingers and toes I call mine. I can't even count them on tripple that. It is truly unbelievable how blessed I am. How did I get such a good hand delt to me?

Somewhat recently I have joined a book club and as I knew it would, it has sucked me in. Mind, body and spirit. Completely. I am in love with it. I even wrote the bookies an emotional e-mail tonight telling them how much it meant to me. Telling them how much they meant to me. Which in turn got me thinking, why don't we do this more often? The book we are reading begs the same question, the authors asks, "And how can you say I love you to someone you love?" (ELIC p. 314). Although seemingly trivial, this is a completely legitimate question. Sometimes the words I and love and you just fill the air. They are just placed where they are needed. They are sometimes overused, missused or even just used. At the same time, why don't we say it more? Why can't we express our feelings how we want? How can we say these words without absusing them? The only conclusion I have come to with that is that we can is that we say it only when meant. And we say it in all truthfulness in our heart. And we know that no matter how many people come in and out of our lives there is always a place for them within our hearts. There is always more room to include those you love. And as my good old mom says, "You can never have too many friends". I agree, Mom.

As with all my ramblings there seems to be a lot of opposing ideas and unclear conclusions which I have decided I'm ok with because it's my mind and that tends to happen within the confines of our minds. Never is there a time when you come to an exact answer when it comes to questions about life. Never is a time where you will ever have it figured out. Never is a time where you stop learning about yourself. Never is a time where you stop growing. I have said it time and time again, but what fun would it be if you figured yourself out one day? What fun would it be if you had no more questions? Although exhausting, this is what life is about. Life is long and short all at the same time, but the thing that matters is how we live it. Time is a theme that comes up much too often in my writings yet it is something I will never truly understand. Something no one will ever conquer. So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? I have learned living in the past is painful and living for the future is wasted energy, so why not live for the NOW? Why not live for the present?

This is a daily struggle for most of us. We are always trying to gear up for what is to come with the things we have learned, hence future and past. Sometimes the most important thing to do is to stop, take a step back, breathe in and take in the beauty of it all. It has saved lives. It has definately saved mine. Not so much on a literal sense, but within myself it has. I would not be the person I am today if I didn't have a look around every so often and know that this is LIFE. And we need to truly live it. And even having said that I know I need to actually do it more. It can never happen too much. Sometimes I just want to hug the air that surrounds me and thank it for keeping me going. Sometimes I just want to high five the sky for just being there. And most of the time I want to thank the people around me for making it all worthwhile.

There is no reason I shouldn't be jumping out of bed every morning and singing something like "A Wonderful World" or whatever that song is called. Unfotunately, morning, no matter how late it is, isn't really my shining moment to sing a thing such as that. I'll work on that though. Maybe tomorrow. I'm just genuially excited for the future. I am excited for the things I will do, the people I will meet and the revelations or epiphanies to come.

And if that post doesn't make you want to barf, quite frankly my dear, I don't know what will :)

Either way.
It's good. It's all really good.

Swirling

So I should have known I would procrastinate my my OWN assignment to myself. It's been harder than I thought though and I have been thinking. Promise. I have written a few things outside of my blog that have helped me start to get my ideas sorted. I have also been taking suggestions from people with what to write and where to start. I always find starting something is the hardest thing. So I started from something I had already done for a little push. I went back and read my old journals from high school, my journals from college, from Japan and a lot of my old blog posts from Japan as well as this blog. Whew. That's a lot of reading because man, I wrote a lot. Too much. But it was good to read. I didn't realize how much I've changed writing wise and how my outlook on life has changed until I read them, yet the overall core of who I am has stayed the same. It always will.

So going with the theme of my core staying the same, I decided to continue my trip down memory lane by looking at old pictures. There are so many things I have forgotten from my childhood that have helped shape me into who I am today. Reading through all of my old stuff and looking at these pictures I know how truly fortunate I was. How truly fortunate I still am. Although I don't want to admit it, I had almost forgotten how spoiled I was as a kid. And most of the time I even take it for granted now. Every summer we would take a family trip (all 19 of us) to either the mountians or the beach. Every other Christmas we would all get together and stay in a cabin and go skiing. I spent my summer days at the neighborhood pool or at my grandma's pool. I stayed out and played with my friends, went to swimming, tennis and camps. I invented games with my brothers in the backyard, I got to pick out what rabbits and dogs I wanted for pets. I was the best dressed kid thanks to my mom and her festive outfits she made me. I was truly happy and I think a happy childhood usually leads to a healthy, happy adulthood. I am very glad I have had direction and I have been carefree and happy for my entire 23 (almost 24!) years of existance.

So where does that lead me with my writing now? I have no idea. The thoughts still swirl around without anywhere to go. Yet. I'm going to get there someday. Sometimes a specific topic is discovered when you aren't even trying for it. Maybe I will just do as I've always done and just start writing and see where it leads me...I think that might keep me writing more anyway. If I know myself then I would say so.

This post had no overall purpose but I would like to say I am grateful for everything I have and everyone around me. Happy Holidays and happy almost 2010 :)

Inspiration

Sometimes I feel as though inspiration can be a fleeting feeling. You watch a movie that is moving and inspirational, yet soon after the movie is over you give it nothing more than a few passing thoughts before it is forgotten altogether. At least until someone mentions the name again. You see a picture of a beautiful place, you read a great book, you talk to a insightful person--all of these things being inspirational to you on on level or another. There are times where you might book a ticket to that beautiful place or have a discussion about the book or go do something that person had also done, but most likely, you are only moved for a short time before letting your high settle back down to earth. Slowly you are swallowed back into everyday life and the invigorating feeling of sheer inspiration is forgotten, stored away for another day. Why is that? Why can we only seem to hold one emotion for a certain amount of time? Why can't I walk around life feeling uplifted and invigorated all the time? As John Mayer says, "Who says I can't be free from all of the things I used to be? Rewrite my history, who says I can't be free"

My basic point to all of these ramblings is I have been inspired and I plan taking this feeling, this powerful and wonderful feeling, and harnessing it for as long as possible. I am at a point in life where I want to tell everyone those lyrics from good old John. I can answer his question to myself, no one has told me I cannot do anything. So what is holding me back? Unfortunately I think its my own mind cutting off my potential. Which is no real surprise, I have always been like that and at this point, it's starting to get frustrating. So enough of that! Time to rewrite my history. Or at least work on the now. That is something I know I can do.

So where did this sudden inspiration come from you might ask? The same person who has inspired me countless times, my old friend and swim coach, Ryan. Although she does not know it, she has brought on a new feeling of inspiration and my challenge now is to hold on to it. There have been a few days where the feeling stuck around for a while. I think I've written about it before, but it was a day where I felt the feeling you sometimes get when you first wake up. You realize how unbelievably precious life really is. My journey is going to look a bit different from the one Ryan is on (as it should). My goal is the keep that feeling. I am going to start out smaller and see where to go from there.

So I shall start out in my mind. I have a lot of thoughts that are flying around and my first task is to organize them. Obviously I am a big writer already. I write virtually everyday, yet I circle around issues instead of really investigating them (as this blog post is starting to do). So task one will be all about writing. My inspiration can come from anything. One of my best friends has a "God Jar". She puts things into her jar that worry her or stress her out. Once she writes them down and puts them in that jar they are no longer her problem. The idea is the big man upstairs will take care of things since she has done all she can about it. I like that. I also love Miranda July's "Learn to Love you More" projects. I once took the challenge as part of a class assignment after reading No One Belongs Here More Than You and did a few of her suggestions. Let's just say that was a day I also felt truly inspired. http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

So I am starting off with writing. I will not be writing everything down in this blog, some being just for me than for others, but I will do my best to write a lot in here as well. I will give myself small topics or ideas and go from there. One requirement is that it has to be somewhat creative. I will welcome a good challenge. Anyone is welcome to join! So that is what I will focus on first. I will work on this for about a week. We will see where I want to take it after that. So it begins.
After all, who says I can't be free?

It Begins Again

I have been meaning to write something meaningful, but today is probably not the day. I can at least try I guess. For some reason I had a really hard time getting motivated today. Sure I swam and did abs, I even took the dog on a walk and wrote a little. I made an appointment, talked to friends, ate dinner, caught up on tv and the internet and made plans for later this week. But all of that probably takes up just a small portion of any normal person’s day. For me it is the whole thing. I don’t know why I am having a hard time with it, its not like there is something I necessarily HAVE to do, but there is always something I feel like I have to do. It’s a bit unsettling when I actually have too much time because then I have too much time to think about all of the things I’m not doing. And I feel like there is something that always needs to be done. I think my method for coping with this demon is just to either hang out with friends, forgetting anything that has to do with anything really, or to get out of the house. And that usually leads me to the gym.

So I guess that is really great for my social and physical self, but what about my intellectual self? What is it left to do? I feel like it has been forgotten for so long not only has it gotten rusty and dusty, it is now slowly starting to deteriorate. Funny how I probably never thought this would happen. Go back to three years ago I would have killed for this lifestyle. Truly, I do what I want when I want without the dread of homework hanging over my head. Not saying I want homework, I just want a purpose. Right now I feel like a lost soul and in order to get out of that slump I need to do it myself before getting thrown into the working world. Which will inevitably happen someday. Hopefully. As much growing I have done over the past year I still have deserts and mountains to climb before I can even begin to crack the shell of who I am. And I am determined to start as soon as possible, the hard part is just figuring out where. I feel like I am all over the place and I just need to plant my feet firmly and start walking in the right direction. Where ever that may be. It is entirely possible there is no one right direction anyway. Which makes things a lot more confusing for those of us beginning to search for it.

All of this time I’ve done a great job discovering myself, but now I feel like I need to search for myself. I need to try harder than I am. I need to get the ball rolling. I have my days, today was not one of them, but I do have them. I feel like I am making positive forward progress. I feel like I can be proud of what I have done so far. But when days like today hit, those feelings are so easily forgotten that I end up feeling like I have made no forward progress at all. So it begins again. The clock is ticking, now its just time to get those wheels turning.
It’s always easier said than done...
Isn't it?

The Time Has Come

The time has come to actually put my blogging mind and fingers to work once again. It has been much too long and the only excuse I have for that is a severe lack of inspirational brain activity. I can't say its back, but I had to get the wheels turning at some point.

It's strange to come on again after so much time has passed--especially with my last post and the emotional weight of everything that was going on. It still hits me when I read it, I am taken back to that place. Back to that city, back to that town and back to my apartment where I would type basically on the floor, feet stretched out in front of me and a whole other world just down the hall and out the door. It seems like it was not a mere four months ago, not even like it was a year ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I sat in that apartment and typed that last entry. It was a whole other world, a whole other part of myself that if I am not careful could be hidden behind what I have always known to be me back on familiar territory. But then there is the part of me that has changed, the part that I don't see anymore, the part that has just become me.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it hasn't even been a half of a year. I am bothered by it actually. I am bothered at how incredibly easy it was to come home and forget the frustrations, the mysteries, the beauty, the challenge and the passion I once felt for Japan. It will always be there, but it is not as prominent as I would have liked. There are times where I have to take a step back and remind myself that it was real and I was living it. It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the everyday life in your own comfort zone and I fell right back into it the moment I stepped on Colorado soil. Not that I meant to or even wanted to, but things were so busy right at first that reflecting on my own personal progress wasn't really in my daily activities. Now, as we are nearing the end of November and I have had time to eat the food I missed, catch up with the people I missed and do all of the things I've missed, I am finally able to take a step back and see where I am at in life. I have come to the conclusion for now that I am right where I am supposed to be. I have done something I am proud of and I have come back and done what I can to make a place for myself in society once again. Nothing is troublesome to me right now and because of that I am truly happy. I can finally live in the moment and not think about what is to come or what should come, I can just let the chips fall where they may.

It's funny how time always sneaks up on you. I have written about it time and time again, but I will never get used to it. The other day I spoke in a classroom about Japan and teaching abroad opportunities and just traveling in general and as I spoke I reminded myself of everything I had done, everything I had seen and all of the experiences I had. I talked for the whole 90 minute class period twice in a row without even missing a beat. Only something that you are truly passionate about is something you can go on about for days. I hadn't even realized how much I went through until I had that time to explain it all. I hadn't even realized how much I missed it until I had to explain it all.

I have my days here just as I did in Japan where I will love it or hate it or just want to go back to a home I am not really sure exists anymore. But I know in my heart of hearts I made the right decision. Now the next best decision would be to go back and pay those good folks a visit! I am in the place I wanted to be, but I am not the same person I was when I envisioned myself in this place. Because of that, as I have said before, I will be forever grateful to Japan as well as the people I met there.

Thankfully there will never be a time in my life where I am not missing. My eyes have been opened to the world around me and I will not rest until I can no longer see because it is the experiences and the people we meet that will forever change our lives. And for me, this is just the beginning. In the meantime I will enjoy the here and now because when you blink, it's gone.

Five Days Time

Four
More
Sleeps.
It's a race with the clock and time has proved victorious before, I don't know why it would go any differently now. My apartment is littered with random things leftover from a mass deleting process that ended in a thirty foot trash drop. The blank walls stare back at me as if to help push me out of the way so time can get a head start. It's just not fair. I want to be able to control it but it is impossible. The noise becomes more audible. Maybe because there is less furniture. Maybe because I am hearing the silence for the first time in a while. Maybe because I am listening to the silence for the first time in a while. It has become more of a comfort to me than I ever thought and if there is nothing else I can take with me after this year, this new found relationship with myself will be plenty. I turned off the music so I can hear the sounds of me in this country that has been my home for the past year.

The frogs chatter noisily outside and a car drives by. My fan hums, my fingers click on the keyboard.In the morning I will be woken by one thousand buzzing cicadas and the stifling heat that has you breathing in water. I will roll off the futon onto the ground right next to it. It will be close to the last time I will wake up like that. In five days time I will be waking up to the sounds of footsteps, ringing phones, dogs barking, air so crisp it strings the lungs. I will be waking up on a bed instead of four inches off the ground. My head will be swirling with dreams of Japan. I will be confused, I will be elated, I will be deflated. I will go through the same process I did when I came here. Hurting is natural after a something good is over and although hurting is never looked forward to or enjoyed, it is the only way we can truly process and rid ourselves of unwanted feelings. In five days time I will be waking up to this person who I think I know, who I have seen in this bed before, in this house before, but it will not be the same person. It will be me one year older. One year away from everything I have ever known. One year come full circle back to the familiar and on to the new me.

It will probably feel like I have intense over acuteness of the senses. Well, I guess after jet lag kicks in. At least I hope for that. I want to see this place from a different perspective, I want to feel moved, I want to feel the passion that rolled around in me all year for this place and these people, I want to breathe and really and truly feel that crispness I have been longing for for so long. I want to be content with where I will be in life, I want to feel at peace with myself, even if it is just for a short time before time starts rearing it's ugly head once again. I want to know that I have done something grand and I can be proud of myself for it. I still don't know how I should feel because I am still here. It's always easier to get a better view if you take a few steps back. Which I will be doing. Right back over the ocean. Right back into the life that I have always lived.

In five days time I will not know the answer but I will feel closer to it. In five days time the blur of life will spin around and around me and if I sit still for too long it will pass me by. In five days time I will have to fall into the spinning blur for hopes that I can be a part of this chaos that went on without me while I was gone. In five days time I will not say good morning in Japanese, instead I will say it in English. In five days time I will not be engrossed with giant spiders or strange fashions. In five days time I will see the faces I have missed and then I will miss the faces I have seen. In five days time I will feel a champion at the language, I will conquer the roads not on my little red bike with the basket but in a big SUV with the air conditioner. In five days time I will look like everyone else and they will not pass me a second glance. In five days time I will hug the people who I have only seen through a web cam and then I will get online and not be able to hug the same person I was hugging yesterday. In five days time I will feel the thin air, feel the love around me, I will feel the heaviness of my heart, I will not no what to do. In five days time I will be in Colorado. In five days time Japan will be just a memory.

Missing Already

Sometimes it just down pours for literally 30 seconds and then stops. It just did right before I started writing this and it was the fastest downpour in the history of my life. Well, maybe there was a shorter one yesterday.

The clouds today look like the clouds in the opening of "The Simpsons", so fluffy and the sky so blue behind them. Which is also confusing if it was just raining. It confuses me more to think that the blue sky can actually be BEHIND the puffy clouds. I don't think that is possible. I was also told this morning not to look at the sun on the specific days of the eclipse. Aren't you never supposed to look directly at the sun? Maybe its different in Japan. Maybe they enjoy looking at the sun. I told my teacher I would try my best not to look at it.

Well today is just another day in Japan. Except I actually had to speak Japanese in front of both of my schools to thank them for the year. Wait, wasn't I just doing that to thank them for what was to come? Wasn't I just stepping off the plane into this foreign country? How is it that I am leaving next week? I can`t really answer any of those questions--they are what we like to call rhetorical. And since these questions just spin around in my head unanswered I just put on my lucky outfit and hope for the best. Yes, I have a lucky outfit. I wore it my first day here. It did fit a lot better a year ago though. Gah, a year ago. Really? Ok I will stop with the questions. I think its all starting to hit me right now. I was hoping it would at some point. Good thing its before I go and not when I get home. Although I could picture myself sitting on my bed in my parents house just crying because I don't know what happened to my life. Just for a few minutes because that`s all I cry for. About 20 minutes a year. Minus the night I graduated, but that wasn't my fault, I blame some of the beverages I consumed that night for that long ass cry. We shan't talk of that night.

I took a picture of the office today but I don't really know why. To show people maybe? I actually pictured myself showing my grandma. "BZ, this is where I sat. For many hours". Why would one take a picture of a place they don't really like? Why would one want to remember something such as that? I guess it is a memory nonetheless. The office was the place where I spent many hours growing my ass. Gotta have a picture to place the blame. Some might think that it would be smart if I took a picture of the classroom, but I didn't spend much time in there. Don't ask why they call it teaching. They should call it ass growing. With a little teaching thrown in every odd day.

I complain, but the job was the worst part and it wasn't even that bad. Ok, yes it was. It was that bad. But the rest of everything was amazing. I am happy and sad right now. I don't really think that its possible to have two emotions at once, but somehow I have achieved the impossible! Maybe that is why my stomach hurts. I am sad to leave behind the great people of this country, but I am excited to come home to the great people of my own country. The beauty will be missed here, but the beauty at home is just as good. Well, a different kind, a more familiar kind, but I think I will be seeing it through different eyes this time around. Being away makes one appreciate home even more. Not to say the people and places are replaceable, not even close, but that is why I am happy and sad at the same time. Ultimately it is a sacrifice I have to make. For myself. It makes sense in my head, but for some reason the words are all wrong on paper. I think they might feel that way for a while to come. At least while I am feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. The English word that is most overused and poorly used in Japan is "enjoy". And "maybe". But enjoy especially. But in this case, I will have to use it full heatedly, I will just enjoy the time I have left. I will appreciate this place, this beauty and these people for one more week. I will continue to be both happy and sad. I will go home and miss it more than I even thought possible. And when it rains I will think of the 30 second downpours in Japan and miss it all over again. And that might be the time where all I can do is cry.

Spinning into Nothing

It seems that my blog has turned into more of a formal writing page than anything and because of that I have dreaded writing in it. I have decided that it is my blog damnit and I can write whatever things that come to my head no matter how insignificant and trivial. I also blame my writing set up. I have a table that is 2 feet off the ground and sitting here writing for long periods of time isn't really that comfortable. The small table however, has no negative impact on my facebooking. It's a different sitting position I tell you!

I am up later than I would like but once again, don't blame me. I'm waiting to skype with a very elusive brother of mine and and happy that tracking him down will soon come to and end. Well, not really, but now I can just call his phone until he decides to call me back. Skype is a miracle from God, but there are some days where I am just plain sick of it. I just want my friends to be there in the flesh. It looks like I will forever be stuck with the curse of not having all my friends just a drive away. Looks like it can be disguised as a blessing as well. Someday we will all gather together in a festive manner. I just hope it's before my funeral. That's usually when all the people you ever loved come to something of yours. And by then, what's the point? What a waste.

A lot has been swimming around in my head these past few days and I am not really sure what to make of all of it. I know that the confusion won't come to an end until it's too late and the clarity will be all too painful. I have less than two weeks left in the life I have known for a year and right now I feel somewhat numb to it all. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening. It is the exact feeling I felt one year ago today. Coming to Japan was just words out of my mouth or writing on a page. It meant nothing. Flying home is the same. I am too many things and it just spins around until it is nothing.

I desperately want it to mean something, then it could hit me and I could really and truly cherish every last moment I live here. But I can't shake the haze and my desperate attempts fall like ash on the ground. Each day I wake up and it's there, I have a sense of it, but then it goes away as fast as it came. I am lucky if it lasts more than a minute. Funny how that works, the primal feeling of our true selves, of our connection with ourselves the most is in that first moment of waking and then all to quickly it has disappeared. Then we just go on living our lives like every other day, not really giving it much of a second thought. Someday I hope to capture this feeling and keep it bottled up so I can use it when I need it. You can't use it all the time or you would explode from over acuteness of the senses, but it would be nice to keep the purity of your dreams and your true self for days like today when the world as you know it is about to shift again. And all you can do is sit there like a big idiot.

One time I actually kept this feeling with me for most of the day. It was probably one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. The day was nothing special--I woke up and felt lighter. I went to lunch with my friend in my tye dye pants and for some reason I could not stop laughing. I laid in the parking lot of my apartment complex and just embraced the beauty of it all. And no, I wasn't on drugs. Then I had a brilliant idea for a paper and I didn't start writing it until ten that night when it was due the next day. I didn't even go to bed that night. The next day the feeling was gone. But guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Damn straight.

I try not to think about everything too much, but with all of this time and nothing else to really think about, it keeps creeping into my head. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready and sad. I am hurting more than I thought because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to end for anyone else because I know it will never truly end for me. I will take Japan and make it part of me. That way it will be around for as long as I am. It's too much for human emotions to really grasp all at once I think. It creeps up slowly and sometimes has a sudden attack, but usually just happens and is explained as a part of life. So far I have no other explanation either.

For now I will just let it spin until the nothing finally becomes something.

Beautiful Nagasaki