Black and White

TGIF!
Ok, I always thought that was a pretty lame set of letters. Even if the meaning is true, it's kind of embarassing to go around shouting it. So I won't.
Oh, how I am so happy it's Friday. And I didn't even really do any school work this week, so I don't know why I am so relieved (sp?). I'm acting like I'll I've been doing is studying and writing and reading with my head burried in books and papers. When in all reality I studied for my logic test this week. And that's it. I was proud of myself, yet when I woke up the next day I felt a little less sure. And that feeling continued through the next hour until I actually got to logic when I realized that I wasn't ready in the least bit. I tried to calm myself down and relax, but as he started passing out the test I got worried.

So worried I forgot everything.

And that's test anxiety for you. And those are the common symptoms. That I have been struggling with for probably the past 5 years that I can remember. It really sucked, and I got my grade back today which sucked equally as bad. Just like all of the tests I have taken so far this year. If I were to say I had a confidence level of about 7 going into school, thanks to my classes and teachers it's been brought down to about a 1.2. Yeah, that bad. It's one of those things were you figure you should be crying, you should be upset, after all your mother would be very disappointed in you, but you can't force any true emotions out.

And for that I am a little worried. I am slowly coming out of apathy, but it's taken me more than a month, and this week was supposed to be the realization week that my grades are going to shit and I need to get going. I mean, I figured that these bad grades would scare me so I start doing things, but instead I went the completely opposite direction. I have started to care less. I mean I told my friend last night "Shit, I'm so far behind in my classes, there's no use to catching up now," Um no Jessica. That's what he should have said. But he probably doesn't know how truly bad my grades are.

So that's why I am SLOWLY coming out of apathy as I said. Because these tests are starting to worry me. But the one today touched a nerve. And I have a feeling this weekend I will come out of the fog a little. I need to. I desperately need to.

Aside from that depressing news everything else is going well. Everything else that I'm not coming up here for is really good actually. I am feeling much better about swimming and I'm feeling better in the water. Not extremely great, but I think I am finally starting to get into good shape. Or at least decent. And I have never felt better about all my friends. I feel like I have some now, which was something I yearned for at this time last year. It's not like I never had friends, but it was a big shock from senior year.

So today I have swim practice and then the volleyball game... I think and I have swim 200 straight laps tomorrow. I want to die. And then who knows. I have the whole weekend freeeeee! But I need to focus. And study. Yes. That's what I'll do...

Ok practice time. I'll be back.