Nothingness with everything written all over it

Welp, I'm back for yet another exciting post. Yipee. Midway through summer report: Same as beginning of summer report. My exciting days usually consist of:
Lessons 10-11
Work 11-3:30
Come home and either do hw or sit until either swimming rolls around at 6:15 or 6 on Tues or Thurs if I have math.
I can't lie, I have been hanging out with people which is nice, but I would like to be doing that a little more than working.
Today I went to my brothers' swim meet (summer league) which was good, it was so damn hot. I cheered them on along with my cousin as a nice older sister/cousin would do. It was my only day to sleep in, but my dad woke me at 9. Boo.
I was there for a couple of hours and actually saw two of my pryer best friends. It seems kinda weird that I would say that or that it would matter, but I have been thinking about friends and life lately and it all makes sense in my head. They were good, I am still on good terms with one of them, he is just busy as am I so it's been hard to get together a lot. On the other hand the other one was basically the same person he was except he just got more...distant, lightly put. Very lightly put. I am debating on just letting it go forever or to try to rekindle what we used to have. I kinda just feel like yelling at him and then kicking him, but we all know I am much more mature than that. Anyway the overall status from the meet was that it was hot and long.

After that I met my good buddy Lauren at her pool and we hung out there for a couple hours and then I went to her house and had dinner and we hung out more after that with other people later. It was really nice to see her and talk to her for a long time, cause it's been a while since we've been able to do that. We had a good long talk and it basically came down to life itself. And her true happiness with where she is in life. I hope I helped her, the situation is extremely difficult.

The talk did make me think about life though and how ridiclous and stupid everyone is. And when I say EVERYONE I mean pretty much every damn person that I know. There are a few that could be discluded, but I even include myself in this. I hate it how people don't like so and so and I don't talk to him or her because of this and that. And yes, I do realize that I get caught up in that drama a lot, but when I was laying the grass looking at the stars tonight I just thought about how small we truly are. I mean we live in this earth, which is a huge thing to us, but then there's the universe and we don't even know how big that is. It continually amazes me how vast this galaxy is. And it always makes me see that we aren't even specs in time. I know I've written about this before but it always gets me how everyone can get so caught up in so much petty shit when there is no reason to. I just need to continually ask myself what really matters. What is the real reason we are here? How do I want to live my life? I don't really know a lot of that, which is scary but at the same time exciting and new. And right now I kind of like the feeling of not having total control of where I am going, it is interesting where I am headed when I am half way blind. I know it won't always be like this, but I'm crusin this way for a while to come.

Well, it's been a long day and I have to get up early tomorrow so I am going to bed. I hope I don't try to strangle someone because they broke my bike in my dream tonight. Because I was pretty pissed in that dream last night.

Ahh, summer. Ahh, life. Nothingness with everything written all over it. Night.

Bedtime story

Time flies. Even if you aren't really having that much fun, I have decided that time flies no matter what. I don't really know where that came from, but I feel so old. Welp, summer is going. It's nothing extremely exciting, just the same old. When I'm not working I'm either swimming, at class or talking on the phone. After tonight I decided that I am really good at helping people fall asleep. So if you ever have trouble getting sleep, just call me and I am a guarenteed bore--I will for sure put you right to sleep. I got four in just one night! I'm on a role. Aint no stopping me now.

Well I have had a few days off from work and there is still way too much I have to do. Little things that always put a damper on the mood. I mean I have the whole day tomorrow, but there are a million things I should be doing--especially studying and oh how I am dreading that. In fact I need to just go write out a to do list. Well since I love my lists I am going to make one of some of the things I have done in the past few days:
-Block party
-Hung out with old friends
-Worked (and made some extra for a party!)
-Class
-Swam
-Talked on the phone
-Lifted
-Ate
-Got annoyed
-Got hyper
-Took a shower
There are some other things but I think I will let that be a mystery. I am quite mysterious.
Geeze, I am boring. I am even bored with myself. No wonder everyone fell asleep. I'm about to fall asleep writing this. But I will avoid the temptation because there is more to say.
Or is there?
Humm. There is stuff in my head, but I am not willing to write it all out. Too much effot. This is what I will do:

I am sad because I miss the friends I have lost, the memories will always be with me. Also I miss the innocense of childhood.
I am happy because I love the friends I have gained, and the memories that are to come. Also because I am so lucky to live the life I do.
I am nervous because I don't know what next year is going to bring--I don't even know what tomorrow is going to bring. Plus I have a math test coming up...
I am scared because I don't know if I will ever find the one. I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life and I don't know if I should take big risks.
I am excited because I know I have time to decide what I want to do, I am still young and have lots of time. I also know that I have a lot to look forward to.

Ok, I am getting tired of that. I think that I am so boring I am just going to go to bed. Maybe next time I won't put everyone including myself to sleep.

Sunburnt finger

Ok, well I had good intentions to go to swim practice but I don't have any way of getting there, so I guess I can't go. I really need to though, but I will just work out at my house later. So with that important news out of the way we can get on to other happenings in my life.

Ok, well that's that then. Bye.

Just kidding. But seriously, Today I went to morning pracitce and after I treated Lauren and I to a nice breakfast and she treated me to a fun day at the pool. And then I went to math class after doing some homework. And afterwards Pamela and I went to Chipolte. So it was a pretty good day, except class which is sooo looong. Tomorrow I am working once again (surprise, surprise) and then I don't know what else! No later practice so I have the whole night ahead of me! What am I to do with all this free time on my hands?! We shall see.

But until then I will be sleeping and doing all those things that I do... And I have one last thing to say, my pointer fingers got sunburnt. They are so hot. I think that is a really random place to get sunburnt. I'll make sure to put sunscreen there next time...

A wonderful survey

Ok I think surveys are fun so I am going to do a few (the last of things):

Last movie seen in theatures: Madagascar
Last movie rented: Closer
Last CD played: DMB "Busted Stuff"
Last weird encounter: Last week when we saw KC's friend at dinner
Last shoes worn: My red flip flops
Last sleep: Last night
Last time hugged: My brother or my mom
Last ice cream eaten: Ben and Jerry's a few days ago
Last phone call: Lauren
Last word(s) uttered: Stop coming in here and making loud noises (directed towards Grant)
Last car ride: Driving home from practice
Last beverage drank: Dr. Pepper
Last food consumed: Subway
Last chair sat in: Lifeguard chair (or this one now)
Last thing written: Bye (in my journal)
Last TV show watched: O man, it was so long ago.... I watched a movie yesterday, but I haven't really watched TV much this summer
Last alcoholic beverage: Unless you count the flask I bring with me to work... no just kidding, um I would say last Monday
Last cuss word: Damn ("Damn there's nothing to drink")
Last dream remembered: Last night I was swimming and there was a glas wall separting the pool and all of these deep sea creatures

Ok, here's an EITHER/OR:
Club or houseparty: Houseparty
Hard liquor or beer: Hard
Single or taken: Single
Pen or pencil: Pen
Gloves or mittens: Gloves
Food or candy: Food
Hiking or backpacking: Hiking (except I have never backpacked...)
Mountians or beach: I would normally say beach right away, but lately the mountians have looked appealing to me, so right now, mountians
Cash or card: Cash
Running or swimming: Swimming, I suck at running
Skiing or snowboarding: Skiing for now
Boogie boarding or surfing: Boogie boarding only cause I don't know how to surf
Paperback or hardback: Paperback
Magazine or newspaper: Magazine
Mexican or Chinese: Chinese (food of course!)
Bath or shower: Shower
Writing or reading: Writing lately
Warm or Cold: I would rather be in a warm place, but as far as body temp goes I would rather be cold because I think it's easier to get warm
Sunrise or sunset: Sunset

HAVE YOU EVER:
Broken a bone: Nope, knock on wood
Broken the law: Of course not! :)
Run away from home: No
Played truth or dare: Yeah, but it's always real lame
Kissed someone you didn't know: Um...not really
Come close to dying: Not really
Been out of the country: Yes, Canada
Flown across the ocean: Yup
Seen any of the wonders of the world: Maybe, is Niagra Falls one?
Lied to someone close to you: Yeah
Working hard or hardly working: I have found that working hard pays off
Been in love: Nope
Smoked: No (and that hit off that cig does not count, plus I learned my lesson)
Won something big: Yeah (state)
Dated one of your best friends: Um yeah
Cried for no reason: Usually I have some sort of reason

Ok, last one, DO I
Have a dream that keeps coming back: Not a specific one, but I've had lots of dreams with sharks or sea creatures
Read the newspaper: No way jose
Believe in miracles: Yes
Consider yourself tolerant of others: Almost too tolerant
Consider love a mistake: No
Have a favorite candy: I probably do, but I am trying not to think about it so NO!
Have peircings: Yeah just three on my ears
Have an obsession: Do boys count? Ha, no not currently (I used to be obsessed with NSYNC, thankfully that's over with)
Have a secret crush: Why would I tell if it's secret!! Geeze
Care about your looks: To a certain extent but I beleive it's more important what you are like on the inside rather than the outside
Have one main goal in life: To live it to it's fullest!
Hate anyone: I don't think so
Hate anything: Math
Have pet peeves: Yeah, wearing sunglasses inside, smoking, not calling people back, being rude when there's no reason, broken promises...
Like to travel: Of course! Wish I could more
Like surprises: Yes, I love them
Like uncertainty: Sometimes
Live in the past, present or future: I would say I live in the past a lot, but I am getting better at living in the present
Diet: Nope, never have although I am trying to eat healthier lately
Cry a lot: No, barley ever
Like meeting people: Yeah
Wish the same thing every time you make a wish: Um, yeah probably

K that's it, I have to get ready for class. Some of those I took off some other surverys, some I just made up myself, just so I could keep it fresh. So since I have no life I will be back soon. Hope that was somewhat entertaining, if not, at least I can entertain myself.

Although I was jumping for joy on the last day of school, I was sad when leaving my wonderful dorm room. Aww, just look at that pouty face:( 

Me poking my head out from this here "tree", I'm just peaking around that branch. 

Lauren's intellectual pose, very stunning I do say. 

Good news! We have more senior picts! Here is Katie with her prop, she really enjoys school.  

PepsiCo

Well this weather officially sucks. What a bad memorial day weekend. But I am ok with it considering I didn't have to work as long today. I smell like hot dogs or something. Huh. Anyway, update on some movies, Madagasgar: just ok, not as funny as I thought. Recommendation: Wait until it comes out on DVD. Closer: Fucking weird. Recommendation: Never see it. Nothing else too new to discuss...worked a party last night and got some cold hard cash! Chi ching! But I already spent almost half of it tonight. But this weekend has been good and math class starts in a day.
I have some goals this summer, they are:
1. Read the Da Vinci Code
2. Pass my math class
3. Get in shape
4. Go hiking
5. Make money
6. Build a gaint bird house
7. Roller blade with my glow in the dark turbo skates at 2 am
8. Learn how to do a 1.5 double off the board
9. Get a parachute
10. Paint a giant lepracan (sp?) on a sail boat and call it "lucky"

Ok, so maybe the last five are a little out there, but that would be good if I got around to those as well as my other plans. Well that is all for now, I am tired.
P.S. Watch out for sibliminal messaging--it's everywhere!

Ashley and I  

Jen's humphry face! haha 

Lauren and I 

Here is a random pict from homecoming last year that I found...and thought was pretty funny. 

Here are more awkard poses 

This was the beginning of our awkard senior picture poses... 

Me after my last final! WHOHOO! I caught some mad air! 

Lauren on the last day of school! 

Ashley, Lauren, Me and Maggie getting ready to go to dinner on Maggie's last night in the Fort 

Take forever!

Yes I am back, yet sadly there are no pictures to show. Well actually there are, but I can't scan them in because my printer isn't hooked up. So I need to do that. Hook up my printer that is. I wish I could hook up something else.... Ok I am in a weird mood, I probably shouldn't be writing in here, I should go to bed like most normal people. But I am not normal. SO I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED OK?! Ok now that's settled I have a few things I would like to say.

First of all swimming is going, well, swimmingly. It's just fine, I think that things are going to be ok. It was refreshing to swim for Jim again. Secondly, work starts soon and I am head guard! Whohoo! That's the highlight of my life. That I am head guard at the pool my dad manages. So cool, I know. Thirdly, I have no life so I spend a lot of it sleeping. I guess that's good for now considering I will have to do something else when that something else starts. O! And I cleaned my room today and talked on the phone with just about everyone I know. And Creek's graduation is tomorrow, but I don't think I will go. Whatever, I am rambling...Anydangway, I like wireless internet. And cheese. Mmmm cheese cubes. But sometimes I eat too much and my stomach hurts.

Ok, so I have a interesting story. I woke up in a closet the other day.
The end.

Ok, I will tell it in it's entirity.
Went to Matt's for a good time, and it seems like pretty much everyone had a little too good of a time. I won't name names but one person wandered around the neighborhood until her mom had to come drive her home, another broke into someone's house and passed out on their couch. Needless to say they got an MIP. Someone else got sick, and some dumb girl woke up in a closet. Wow. But who says you can't learn something new everytime you go out. Here are some things I learned:

1. Slimfast proves to be a good chaser
2. Teaching people how to do the worm is a little more difficult than it seems
3. Charging your cellular phone before going out is always a good idea, because then you don't look like as much of a loser sitting by all the booze...by yourself.
4. Sleeping in closets is much better than the grass. I'm glad I figured that one out.
5. It's a little awkard when the mom of the person's house you were at makes you hashbrowns in the morning...when everyone is still feeling the effects of the night before.
6. Knocking on people's doors to find someone at nine in the morning is not as fun as it sounds, because I know, it does sound fun. But don't let it trick you.
7. I don't think that anyone would really fall for the hitch hiking to inverness plan.

So that was the party to kick off the summer I guess. It will probably be the first and last, but it was memorable to say the least.

So I had all of these things I wanted to talk about and now I'm getting sleepy. No worries though, I will say it all.
So the cousins came to visit and it was their last visit ever, because they are MOVING here in a month. So that should be really good. We had a good time. We hung out, watched movies, ate, hung out, ate more...that's the basics. So they left on Sunday, and since then I have just been sitting around.
Kristin came over yesterday and we had a lot of fun. I don't really know what we did for eight hours... but it was nice to see her. Later that night we had a very awkard encounter, but it was way to awkard to put into words. It was pretty much cricket cricket awkard, maybe even worse. If it can get worse. That's the only way I can describe it.
After swimming today I went to Lauren's and lifted and we just hung out for a while. It's hard when you live with someone for a year and then aren't with them all the time. Well when you like them I guess. And I happen to like my buddy Lauren, and I can't see her every waking minute. And it's really tough, it breaks my heart. Breaks it I tell you. Aww BOO. Is what I say to that. Jen does it much better though.

Speaking of Jen I talked to her today. She's good. I miss her. And I like her dog even though I have never met him. He seems like a strapping young dog.
My buddy Katie on the other hand I have not talked to, only read that her dog passed away. Man, that's gotta be hard. I'm so sorry Katie.

My dogs are really good incase there was any question or wandering going on. Just to clear things up. They smell, but I like them. Good thing. My rabbit is good too. He's old, and he looks cute when he drinks his water but creepy when he yawns. O! Good news, I think that I know someone in my math class that starts next week! That will be a relief!

Speaking of yawning I am tired and delirous. However you spell. And I have only one thing to say, Chris, I can't make out with you today. HA. Ok I don't know what's going on. Who am I? I DON'T KNOW. So yeah when I got home from Lauren's today, who else but TODD AND ALEX were over. So we had an absoutely amazing time watching ESPN. They probably came to see my brothers, but I like to think they still want to be friends with me. Even though I am not as funny, or exciting. They can at least be friends with me because I am good looking right? Riiiight.

H'okay. So you have this world, it is a sweet world you might say. Nice and round... That is just a little clip of the End of the World video on ebaumsworld.com, but I won't give the rest of it away. This has to be the longest post I have ever written, and it is by far the most random and boring. So with that being said I am going to go to bed. HA! I rhyme. I had this dream last night that I got the worst grade on my poetry final paper. The worst in the whole class, and my teacher was worried about my intelligence. There were some pretty messed up kids in that class so to say I did the worst is really depressing. And sadly it's all probably true. It's probably no dream at all! AHH!
K, I am really going to bed now. I'm sure I will be back soon, my life is really eventful and exciting as well at thrilling and amazing. But inbetween sky diving with the American Idol star and deep sea fishing with Brad Pitt and Johnny Damon (they are friends you know), I will find time to write in here. I always manage to find time.

Torn

I am back once again to start off another week of mystery and adventure. I wish, it's just another day in the life of Jessica. Not too eventful, but I can say that I am not happy with a current situation going on right now. I feel like I am being split down the middle, being torn and I have no idea what to do.

Who would have thought swimming would take such a tole on not only my mind but my soul. I know it sounds corney and dumb, but it is true in a sense. I mean I have been swimming for as long as I can remember and I never rememeber truly loving it until the summer I started with Aquawolves. I mean, I didn't love all of the swimming, but I looked forward to going to practice and swimming with my best friends, swimming with the coach who changed my outlook on the sport. And now it's all coming to an end. I mean, yeah it came to an end when we all went to school, but now it's just more definate, more real to me. Since Jim retired a lot of things have been going through my head, and I don't think I have ever thought that hard about swimming before. I don't necessairly think that you should think too hard about something like that. It should just come and I should just go. Just swim fast has always been my thinking in the past.

I never would have thought Jim coming back would be so bittersweet. It's like a blessing, but a blessing in disguise and not many people are seeing beind the mask, if you will. In a lot of ways I agree with people who are going other places, but then there are times where I just want to shake them and tell them they will never swim with someone like Jim ever again, and they should take advantage of the time he has decided to be here for. But then again most people aren't me, they don't think like me, or train like me, so I guess I will just watch them slip away quietly from the best thing swimming ever had.

I can't control everyone, and it wouldn't be any good even if I could. This is just a part of life and I have noticed the hardest part of life I have had to experience so far; moving on. I hate it more than anything, and I hate the fact that I look back on the way things used to be so much. It definately makes things harder, because there are times where I wish I was numb to change, then it wouldn't hurt so much. There are times where having having a heart of coal would be easier too. Too bad mine is far from it. I have tried teaching myself to look at things from a different perspective, but no matter what, it always comes back to how I feel and, esentially, what is making me smile, what is truly making me happy.

So when thinking about it, it's not hard to know what truly makes me happy; my friends, my family and how I live life. But now it seems all of these things are being split up, and I am holding on to each of them with my both arms, I am feeling like I am going to be ripped in half. Eventually I am going to have to let go of something before it hurts too much more. I have already watched some of my friends go, but I still feel like I have some of them with me, even if it is just their shoelace. Eventually everyone has to decide what they want in life and although it's never goodbye forever, it's almost just as hard. I feel like no matter where I turn, I will be turning my back on someone that cares for me and someone that I care for just as much.

So my situation is probably not that big of a deal from the big picture, but it is my life and this is a huge chunk of it. Thinking about swimming this much is painful just as thinking too much about anything is, but that's not the worst of it, the worst is feeling this much about the people and the sport. The feeling part is what definately hurts the most. And it's probably going to take a long time to heal.

So with all of that said I am going to practice, just a one day trail of the other team, I just wish it wouldn't be this hard. I wish the pain would all go away.