Listen to yourself

All too often I am hit with the realization that life is going by way too fast. As I get older it seems to be happening more and more lately and I don't really know what to do about it. I literally feel guilty it's going by so fast because that means I am thoroughly enjoying it. Although no one said I can't enjoy life, there is a big part of me that thinks I should be doing more things that provide an outlet for me on a bigger scale instead of just the ME scale. I think part of it is fear, I think the other part is ignorance, and there might be some more parts that are lazy and sometimes even unmotivated or indifferent. Eventually I want to be a teacher and everything I have been doing since I graduated has been leading me on that path (well, everything I do professionally). I want to coach because I think there is so much I can give and even more I can learn from coaching the sport I am passionate about. So I coached high school and I am coaching year around right now. I want to give all that I am to my friends and learn from them as well. I feel as though I am on the right path there. I want to make a difference. Now this is where I am getting caught up. There is no doubt in my mind I have made a difference to a few people (well, outside of my family) and I think I will continue to do so. But how do I make a difference on a bigger scale than just the people that live in this town? Do I want to even do that or is that a dream that wasn't really mine in the first place, it just seemed like a good idea when I heard of it?

I feel like it is hard in the position most middle class Americans are in because they are trapped within themselves and many of them are ok with it. Many of them are not but don't know what to do about it. Many of them don't even realize they are trapped within the confines of their own comfort zone. That is the worst because if you don't realize that, there is no way you can even begin to think about venturing outside of what you see around you. I think I am in the second group. I feel myself stir sometimes and other times I am content to just stay where I am because I am happy and comfortable. I feel I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone many times before and I was always glad with the result, always happy I did so, but right now I feel like I am not ready to move. It's like when you're really comfy in your bed but your arm fell asleep so you really don't want to move it although you know if you don't you will regret it later. So once you get out of your position and let your arm wake up you are actually really happy you did it although it caused to you move from that position you originally liked so much. But now you are in a position you like even more because your arm feels great. It was just tricky getting into that position. Right now I feel as though I have something great to share with the world, or at least start with the world around me and see where I can go, but at this moment I am just thinking of my strategy of how to do so instead of actually doing it. Sometimes I want a little push and sometimes I don't. Right now I am not really sure what I want at all. Being happy is great, knowing that life is wonderful is in itself wonderful, but feeling as though you are not doing enough is my issue here. Just a tiny missing piece. I am still tired at the end of the day though. Where do I get the energy? Where do I get the time to do all that I should? All that I am supposed to do?

I'm on the brink of something...maybe it's just that nap I really need to take. Maybe it will help me clear my thoughts and help my writing because this is probably the worst writing I have ever done. But sometimes blogs are just that--thoughts that are just put into words so you can hear yourself think. Maybe one day I will be able to hear my questions and answer them right back.

New Year's FUN!

Hello friends out there in the cyber world. Or maybe I should friend. I decided on a day at the computer that I would write a small survey and send it to myself and my friends. So far I've heard back from two friends. Such dedicated souls. Here are my answers discussing years past and years to com!

1. What is one thing you would work harder on this year that you did last year?

Just being more motivated in everything I do. I want to work hard at getting a job, apply to go back to school, get back into swimming with a team and train for at least one tri and maybe a running race or two. I would also like to be better about sending mail to people--especially thank you notes and birthday cards. I always send birthday cards when it's people's half birthday and they probably think I am so dumb.

2. What is one thing you are happy with that you would keep doing the
same from last year to this year?

Just enjoying the little things. Although not having a steady job is sometimes stressful (esp in the bank dept), I really enjoy the days I have off and I always feel like it's nice that I don't have to be at work five days a week 7-4...I also think I'm pretty happy with my friends in regards of how I keep in touch with them. I am happy with eating cheese as well. I think I will continue it into the new year even though I should probably stop eating it considering my pants are getting a bit tight...

3. If you had to choose one year to go back and re-live (without
changing anything) what would it be? Why?

Wow, great question. That's a hard one. I think I would either go back to my senior year of high school or the year I spent in Japan. I feel like I did a lot of growing and exploring who I am. I wrote every single day both of those years and it is really interesting to go back and see how even my writing changes as the year goes on. I feel like both of these years increased my confidence as a person and helped me grow into myself. The difference was that senior year I didn't really realize it until later where as in Japan I was growing and knowing. Haha. But yeah, I was knowing how this was helping me grow as the year went on and I did some of the best writing I've ever done because I was in such a sensitive spot. I also did some of the best beer drinking I've ever done. It really was quite impressive how much I drank.

4. Name three events in your life that forever changed you. Have any
of these been in the past year?

I can't pick just three. So how about six:
1. Japan
2. Crossfit
3. i have. i give. and Big Brothers Big Sisters
4. Falling in love
5. Swimming/Coaching
6. Subbing/Teaching

Well some these things have gone into this past year. But not all of them. Why didn't you ask how these events changed you? The person who wrote this needs to think about their questions a little better.

5. What age are you most looking forward to? Why?

As much as I don't want to rush the time by and as much as I love love love being 25, I am excited for 35. I hope to be married by then and having or thinking about having a baby. I think that is super exciting! I am also excited for when I am 90 because that will mean I am still alive. And that's pretty exciting after all that beer I drank in Japan.

6. Look back on 2002. Were the pivotal people in your life then still
the most important to you now? How many people since then have you met
that have influenced you in a way you will never forget?

Ah, ten years ago. 16 was a fun age. Well, I guess I was almost 16. At this time I was planning for my super sweet sixteen where I rented out a warehouse and threw a fit the whole night because the acrobats were late. Just kidding. I remember for my birthday we rented a limo that took us to The Melting Pot where we feasted and then we came back and I opened presents. I was a sophomore so I was swimming on varsity that year but I still wasn't super close with the girls I would get to know by the end of my high school swimming. My best friends at my party are people that I sometimes see on facebook except Ashley G, Kristin and obviously I am still very close with both of them!

Since then the people I have met who've influenced me is a great amount. I will not disclose names over this highly popular blog.

And obviously my family but I met them before I was 16 and probably a few others I am forgetting. That's a lot of people who have influenced me, and I'm sure many more are to come!

7. What was your favorite moment(s) from last year. So far this year
what have your favorite moments been?

Last year my favorite moments were going to St. Kitts and Belize (well technically that was the year before last), I always loved going skiing and staying up in the mtns with friends. Matt and Ashley's wedding was a great moment, going on walks around the park with Ashley, having long chats with Ang, Lauren, Ash and Kristin, Rockies games, Broncos games and even Nuggets games, lots of good moments with Caleb, concerts--John Butler Trio, Skylab, Decadence, Savoy, holidays of course, reading the night before Christmas with my mom and my aunts on Christmas eve, watching football with my dad, talking with my cousins in our bunk room before we go to bed, skyping with Japan friends and my bro, dancing with friends and alone :), late nights ordering DP dough or out at the bar, coaching, writing and I always love reading a good book in the hot sun (usually while I get paid!) and every time I ate cheese. So far this year my favorite moments have been the Broncos game I went to, relaxing on the weekends, Decadence and the dance party after that, last Friday night where I went skinny dipping on the lawn, had a threesome (in French), I think I broke the law but I'd do it all again. Probably next Friday night. Just kidding that is stolen from a terrible artist with a terrible song. Last Friday night was fun because I went to dinner with a really cute guy who I have a big crush on and then I was able to sing during karaoke and then dance the night away. I did regret it the next day but it was still a great memory. That's about all for now. I think more memories are to come. I think. But I could be wrong.

8. Look forward to 2022. What would you like your life to look like?
Where are you living? Whom with? What kind of job do you have? Kids?
Pets? Are you still doing anything the same that you are doing now?
What do you do for fun? Are you truly happy?

This question is a little scary to me because I am not really sure where I will be. Ideally I would love to have a kid or two and be married to the love of my life and live somewhere that is refreshing and invigorating. Either in Colorado or by the beach. I would like to still be friends with all my friends now and have a few more. I would like to be teaching, coaching and in the summer relaxing with my kids. By this time I hope to have had lots of summers to work and then go do some volunteer work around the world with my husband (maybe when the kids are older during the summer and they could be at camp for a few weeks). I would like to have two dogs and be happy and healthy. I would like to keep swimming in the mornings and the other days when I can riding my bike and running, maybe sticking to my one or two triathlon goal per year. I would like to be doing charity work when I can and being a good mother and example for my kids as well as a good wife. I want to never grow old and boring and I always want to be trying something new and exciting. I will be firm but loving with my kids and if they are good I will take them on spontaneous day trips! I would like to still go out with my friends as much as I can and go hiking and it would be great if my "I Heat Tuna" book is in the works of being published. I would like to write for a health magazine or a swimming one. That would be cool. If all of this worked out I wouldn't have to teach probably but we'll see if I would still want to do it. I want to be the life of the party, the voice of reason and a good example for all of those around me!

9. List three New Year's Resolutions you have this year.

1. Get in shape before Ashley's wedding
2. Apply to grad school
3. Be completely present everywhere I am

10. Name one thing that you think would be out of your comfort zone
but you would be willing to try in the next year.

Bungee jumping or shark diving. Or just getting a normal job.

11. Name one thing you have always wanted to do but just haven't
gotten around to it yet that you would really like to do this year.

Get my ear pierced, get a tattoo, squat 215 lbs, go to Austin, black flip off the diving board, write in my blog three times a week, make a new friend or two, give up meat for a little bit (maybe a month), run a 8 min mile, swim a 56.0 100 Free. (I realize that is a lot more than one thing. I just couldn't narrow it down. Sorry! Geeze!)

12. Name a crazy, hilarious. scary, adventurous, nerve racking or just
ridiculous thing that you would probably never do but if you were to
lose your mind this might be the year to do it in.

Give up cheese! No, I couldn't do it. How about apply for the JET programme again! Ah! Crazy! Hilarious! Scary! Adventurous! Nerve racking! Ridiculous! I would never do it! But if I were this would be the year to do it in if I decided to!

Happy New Year!

The Time Jessica Actually Wrote in Her Blog. By Jessica

As usual it has been many moons since my last post. But after reading my dear friend, Lauren's blog I decided I could at least start to shoo away my writer's block by starting with a simple exercise that asks questions about everyday life and feelings. And if I can't write by answering these questions I don't really know if I can consider writing one of my strong points anymore. I mean all I have to do is tell the truth and everyone knows I can't even lie for the life of me. So here I go, taking the step to get writing again. Now that winter break is starting I will have loads of time! So much I will be able to write maybe two, three maybe even four times a day! Ok, well that is a lie. I don't think that would even be healthy. So here goes a fun exercise stolen from Lauren who stole from someone else. Tis the world we live in.

watching: About to be watching a grip of seventh graders. The first one fist pumped when he saw I was here. I guess I better crack the whip before they think I'm all bunnies and rainbows.

eating: My salmon and coffee. Which you might think is a weird combination in which case you might think that brussel sprouts, carrots, salmon and coffee is even more weird but it is actually really delicious. Did I mention this is all room temp since I took it out of my fridge 4 hours ago? Did I also mention it's not even eleven in the morning? At least my coffee is hot.

drinking: I already told you. Geeze, don't you listen? A cappuccino from Panera. It really is hitting the spot right now.

wearing: Well as it turns out the same outfit from last night at the bars minus the pants. I am wearing school pants that are gray plaid, so please don't report me to the substitutebadoutfit hotline. It seems to be a good school outfit. I was quite excited when I realized I could wear it because it meant I didn't even have to change once I put it back on at my boyfriend's house. The mental relief of this was pretty significant because along with this I also remembered my leftover salmon which means I didn't have to rush around getting an outfit and lunch together, and instead I can focus on remembering everything for the swim meet I am coaching later. Unfortunately, I forgot my clip board (I can't find it actually) as well as my stop watch. Besides my tennis shoes and shirt those were the two most important things I would need to be a decent high school swim coach. The thought of being ill-prepared usually makes me, well, ill. At least I remembered to bring a fork AND a spoon today. It's the little things in life.

avoiding: So many things. But mostly getting insanely ripped. I just can't decide if the work is worth the benefit.

feeling: Pretty good, thanks. Hopeful the future will bring me hot sex and an early bedtime. A girl can dream.

missing: My friends in far away lands like Australia, Connecticut, Oregon, Texas, South Africa and Japan. I also miss my youth. The days of childhood frivolity are long since past and my heart yearns for them like a druggie yearns for his crack cocaine.

thankful: Personally I think this should say thankful for: like that. Because thankful by itself just means pure thankful. Which I am. So I guess I can just keep it as is. It looks like I didn't even need to write anything. Don't you hate when people just write and write and write and write and write for really no purpose at all?

weather: It's pretty nice out I'd say. I wore a scarf to school so still a bit chilly. Which is probably to be expected since it's December. Which means I should probably stop yelling cuss words into the air when it's cold. On a good note the kids of the town now have a very colorful vocabulary.

needing: money, fame, a thin body, a master's degree, to finish my scrapbook, and mostly just love. That's all we really need isn't it? Didn't the Beatles make that pretty clear?

thinking: Yes, I am thinking. I'm glad someone assumed so. Usually it is questionable but there are occasions where I am. OH! You were asking WHAT I was thinking. Why didn't you just say so?! I am thinking about puppies, school, New Year's Eve, Christmas, sex, drugs, alcohol, swimming, running, biking, texting, kissing, hugging, laughing, college, money (or lack thereof), boys (well, one in particular), friends, family (let it be known that these are in no particular order), skiing, snowshoeing, horses, shopping, manicure, pedicure, hair, gym, my painful toe, writing, reading, cleaning, sleeping, dancing, crickets (there are a bunch in this classroom--in a container thank goodness, and they are f-ing annoying!), scuba diving, the beach, tanning, cuddling, Family Guy, House, Christmas movies, abs, Japan, airplanes, time.

loving: Life.
And scene.

Snow Day!

Pretending I work really hard everyday as a real life teacher, I am going to generate the same enthusiasm an everyday teacher feels when they get the call that school has been cancelled because of a snow day. And today is that day! SNOW DAY! What is unfortunate is that I am not a real teacher so I actually haven't worked all week and I have no real teacher friends that I could hang out with. Well, except my mom and my brother. Maybe I should give them a call. So honestly, this is just another day at home where I give myself the old "its too cold to go outside but I should just get over it because I live in Colorado and I can't be a big willy so now I should feel guilty about not getting things done" thought process. So here I am on another non-working day with little motivation to go out into what you see in that picture. Maybe my motivation will really strike up if I make a list. Lists always perk me up, so here goes.

Things to do during a snow day:

1. If you had to work the beginning of the week then you can celebrate the fact that you are not working today

2. Go back to sleep until at least lunch time

3. Make a big, warm breakfast with a nice hot drink

4. Catch up on some terrible daytime TV

5. Clean around your abode

6. Blog a little

7. Check your bank account and realize you probably should stay in because going out would just cause you to spend money you don't have

8. Think about going to the gym

9. Wish your friends would ditch work

10. Try to see who isn't working so you can figure out something

11. Realize there is really no one not working and even if they aren't you would have to go into that wintery not-so wonderland

12. Call your mom

13. Call your grandma

14. Make a dance video from one of today's hottest jams

15. Read through old journals

16. Watch the travel channel for way too long

17. Look at old pictures

18. Think about the good old days

19. Think about what to do this weekend

20. Check the weather

21. Watch the Food Network

22. Call some friends

23. Take a nap

24. Watch some YouTube videos from Lord of the Dance

25. Take a stab at being your very own Lord of the Dance

26. Watch a million Sex and the City episodes you've already seen

27. Paint your nails

28. Do some sit-ups

29. Try your hand at yoga

30. Decide that maybe you yoga isn't really your thing

31. Realize you've really done a good job of wasting time and now the day is over

32. Go to bed.
*Please note that all items listed were not all performed on one specific snow day, rather dispersed over years of snow days, days not working, days spent sick, days when it was too hot to go out, days when it was too rainy to go out, days when the mood didn't strike to go out, weekends when others were all on vacations or the writer was on a vacation in a boring place with no human interaction*
**Also please note that now that this is posting a day late two items should be added to the list that the author actually DID do and not just think about doing:
33. Help your boyfriend set mouse traps, clean his room (which included finding a few of your belongings you thought you would never see again after last spring as well as the floor of his room and his closet)
34. Eat Chipotle
35. Watch Cars 2
36. Decide that snow days are overrated and take a job with bratty middle schoolers for the last two days of the week.**

Happy snow day!

Tips for a safe and successful Halloween season

Since All Hallow's Eve is right around the corner I have been racking my brain about what I should be for Halloween. I have also been telling myself it is ok to eat lots of candy because it is that time of year. So I thought this would be a great time to make a list! I haven't done one of my lists in so long that you would have to archive all the way back to college to find one on here that is even remotely entertaining. Now that All Hallow's Eve is approaching at a scarily rapid speed here goes nothing! (not that I'm promising this is going to be remotely entertaining)

31 things to do to make for a safe and successful Halloween season:

1. Think about what you can be for Halloween

2. Tell yourself you will come up with something before then so not to stress

3. Get stressed anyway because your costume has to be just as good or better than last year
4. Continue to feel stressed, yet still do nothing about it. Well, maybe a google search of "Halloween Costumes" to get ideas

5. Get annoyed that you could find nothing and then deem google an unworthy search site.
6. Plan a haunted party

7. Realize it's going to cost a lot to make things actually look haunted--no one believes the old "sheet over your body" as a ghost anymore. I mean, it's the 2000s now.

8. Give yourself a pat on the back for at least thinking about it--you really did have good intentions

9. Go to a haunted house

10. Leave the haunted house realizing you just paid way too much money for people with make-up to yell in your face

11. Also realize as you're leaving that you just waited in line for over an hour and got through the actual haunted house in less than ten minutes

12. Laugh at life's little ironies and tell your friends you can't wait to do it again next year

13. Get into the spirit and decorate your house! (do not stand on glass tables no matter how badly you want to hang flags with pictures of cute little pumpkins from your ceiling)

14. Paint some pumpkins and get high from the spray paint fumes. Then you can laugh in a silly manner about nothing at all really

15. Set it on your stoop for all the world to see

16. Hope it doesn't rot before All Hallow's Eve actually comes

17. Watch scary movies and later extremely regret it

18. Hope your new tired state (since you can't sleep at night after all those scary movies) won't hinder your costume search

19. Wonder when everyone else suddenly came up with great costume ideas

20. Think about that haunted house again, realizing you can actually do it for free

21. Have people pose creepily in random places as your guests arrive. Once the guests have been frightened, have them join in the creepy posing. Make sure to have old school organ music playing the the background and no lights except candlelight.

22. Reminisce about the good old days when you used to trade candy after trick-or-treating
23. Also reminisce about how getting candy from your neighbors was the biggest day of the month. Realize that would still be a pretty big day.

24. Think about other Hallow's Eves you can barely remember because jungle juice sounded better than candy

25. Wonder what happened to all your old costumes

26. Look ferociously until giving up and buying a new one (when you finally do figure out what you'll be)

27. Become disgusted with American society for spending so much money on one silly day that holds no real meaning

28. Admit you are just as American as the rest of them and go by yourself some more candy

29. Don't make a costume that is too tricky to take off just in case you get lucky later that night

30. Or maybe, after all that candy you ate this month you should be a mummy--by the time you get all those layers off the other person will have probably passed out. Thanks to Hershey's, it will be for the best.

31. Remember this is a time of festive frivolity and there is no need to get stressed out. But if you do, just grab some chocolate, that always calms the nerves.

Happy Haunting!

BOO!

A Blink of School Life

The bell frightens me as it dings loudly, singling the end of this period and seven minutes until the next. Seven minutes until the calm serenity is sucked out of this room and replaced with loud annoyances. A day like this I wonder why I wanted to be a teacher. Yet, as the room fills with teenagers I am reminded once again. Their energy seems to fill me with my own and I am instantly ready for whatever the day may bring. I am nearing the end of my short two and a half week stay in these challenging classes, and weirdly enough I am getting sad. This feeling has caught me completely and utterly off guard because the first three days I was here I thought I would never be able to make it through. My seventh period was going to eat me alive. I would never be able to teach them the materials right--after all it is science. I guess I should just be glad it's not math. I went home exhausted after the first week, wondering how I was going to make it through the next two weeks. Yet here I am, almost there and wondering what my next step is going to be.

I have been subbing for three years. Sometimes I see the same classes, sometimes the students remember me, but mostly I am a nameless sub and they are all nameless students. I do my best to be fair, to be stern and to be me. They seem to like me enough, yet as the bell rings and they dash home I am forgotten, as they are for me. Emptiness slowly filled me. Not over a day or a week or even a year, but as the third year began, I realized how hollow I had become. I was just a replacement. And if I couldn't fill in they would find another replacement. I have no responsibility, no knowledge of what I teach, no relationship with the students. Although sad, after school I was glad I could leave at the same time as the students, glad I could visit coffee shops during my off periods and read book or write, glad that I never had to take home a single thing to grade. My nights were me time--free time. I could do whatever I wanted on the weekends. I could even take a trip and not have to worry about missing days, I made my own schedule after all. Yet with all of these things that I love, all of the freedom and time, I still wasn't fulfilled. The hole was still growing.

It wasn't until I landed this two and a half week science job at my old high school did I realize what I had been missing all along. Students saying, "Hi Ms. D! Bye Ms. D! Thanks Ms. D!" (well, they say my full name, but for blog purposes I will just leave it at that). Students recognizing me when they walk in, talking to me about their life, feeling comfortable in my classroom. No more "Oh we have a sub today?" Or "Who are you?" No more just nodding and smiling at teachers in the hall. Now I could stop and talk to them, laugh in an office with them, get to actually know them and learn from them. I didn't even care if students wanted to come in for help (well, if they ever did) because I didn't mind helping them. I actually wanted to help them. I was beginning to feel good about my decision to be a teacher again. I wasn't wavering in the right and wrong, I was happy with the responsibility of grading and figuring out plans. I was happy with anything that would actually give me a name. I was happy not just being "the sub". Of course there were the challenging students that made me happy I didn't have to stay past this week. But even they couldn't take away this new fulfillment I had. Even they couldn't turn me away from this job. I wasn't going to let them defeat me, I was going to let them challenge me, test me and make me the best teacher I could be. Now, if only I had a little more time!

But as things always do, this job will soon be coming to an end. My freedom will return to me in the form of fall break where I will jump joyously throughout the town until the week is up when I realize that I no longer have a place at this school. Or any school for that matter. From there I can sadly sink into myself or know that sometimes that's just the way things go. And I will do everything I can to get back into my own classroom someday, to get back to where students know me and I know them, to get back to my true passion. Each day is a step in the right direction, even if I am a nameless sub, I have to know it will all work itself out someday. Well, maybe it won't magically work itself out, I'm sure I'll have to do some work :)

A few of my favorite things: SCUBA DIVING

Only in my dreams have I experienced what I experience when I dive. It is unlike anything I can even begin to explain. I have always been attracted to water and even more so to the ocean. I love the sounds, the smells the feel of the sea. I love the salt on your skin all day and the weightless feeling of bobbing up and down in the waves even long after you have left them. What I love even more is the complete and quite calm you feel when you are underwater. It is the escape from the world of air breathers, and escape from the noise of life.

The minute I put the regulator in my mouth at scuba lessons I knew there would be no going back. It was the water and me. I listened to my steady breaths as I floated underwater for longer than I ever had; so completely peaceful. Little did I know what it would really be like when I got out of a pool and into the ocean. My first dive was in Australia and my heart seemed to be doing flips the minute my flippers touched the water. I was ecstatic when I saw one fish and then two and pretty soon the calm and quite ocean was teeming with amazing life. I was in another world. A world I could not be more curious about, a world I immediately feel in love with. Since then I have dove off the coasts of St. Kitts and Belize and each dive was different, unique and completely breath taking in its own way. I've seen more marine life than I could ever see in a tank at an aquarium and I know this is just the beginning of my diving experiences. I have even seen a proposal while diving of two of my best friends! I wish I could meet the person who invented scuba diving and give them a hardy handshake because they did a splendid job. It fills my soul to the brim each time I go and I am left with memories that keep it full for many-a high tide to come!

Here are a few of my favorite things

As I have said before, my soul is never more full than when I am with the people I love. Here are most of them (a few of my gems are left out) at my birthday dinner, an old one of my dad's side of the family and an even older, weirder one of my mom's side. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people constantly surrounding me, pushing me to be my best, inspiring me and just loving me for all that I am and all that I am not. They have given me everything I need to become who I am today and no one has ever doubted my potential or thought I couldn't do anthing I put my mind to. Thank you to all of you who have left footprints in my heart forever! I will never know how to ever repay all the love I have felt from each and every one of these people in my lifetime.

The Journey to Beauty

My memories can be a bright place, full of happiness and fondness. They can also become a dark place, a reminder of things lost or never to be had again. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by that thought. How we can never go back to how things once were. It almost haunts me. My dreams taunt me with this notion--it swirls in my head more often lately than it has in a long time. I am sometimes a victim to its harsh ways and I surrender easily. Other times I am simply reminded that I am human and raw emotion is the best way to truly feel alive. This thought leads to the simple fact that I am still here, I am living as best as I know how and it is just time to make new memories. Other times this thought leads me into a place I pull myself away from. A place I don't like to go. But there are times when I just cannot fight it anymore. I love what once was. I love what is. I love what will be. But because I know that true love I felt for what once was and I am unsure of the others, I cling to that. I find I must pull myself out before I drown in it. I must learn from this and take it with me to what will be. But it can surely become a heavier burden than I intended. I ache to keep it with me, I ache to let it go. There are times when I am not sure what to do so I just let the tears fall in hopes that they will drain out my cloudy thoughts and wash away the confusion written on my face.

With change comes growth, undoubtedly, every time. In the end, what are we if we don't grow? What are we if we cannot come out stronger from the struggle of change? What are we if we cannot amaze ourselves with our ability to truly live. What are we if it doesn't phase us, confuse us or just rattle us straight to the core? Of course the past is comforting because we have been there--for it is all we know. Of course the future is frightening because the unknown is always that way. And of course we feel the pangs of leaving behind something familiar, something so comfortable. But with those pangs of hurt, confusion, despair come new ones of exploration, growth, confidence, fulfillment. With it comes the pieces that help make you who you are, that make you more complete, more real, more ready to give back and be able to look in the mirror at someone who you can be completely and utterly proud of. Everyone has the ability to do more than they think they can. The human potential is limitless and we have so much to offer one another. I just need to remember this myself, remember that I can be more than I even imagine my best self as. I can walk tall and take the memories I've had with me as a testament of where I've been, and keep an open mind as a testament to where I am going. This journey of life can be what you make it, but if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't realize it's beauty it will not be what it was intended to be. And it can be the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.

Still Filling...

One of these days--a day in the very near future--I am going to miss this peace I am experiencing right now.

I am at my aunt and uncle's place (we'll just say it's a "place") in Steamboat. It's late afternoon, the trees sway with the wind as the sunlight peaks its way through the large bay windows. I hear the hum of the fridge and my parents talking softly on the deck. Next to me I have the most current book I'm reading in case I decide to find a quite nook to go read. Jet-Puffed marshmallows taunt me, but I can wait because of all of the junk I've eaten on this vacation weekend. Later I will roast them. Now I just need to digest.

I've had a peaceful day of hiking and relaxing afterwards but sometimes too much serenity leads me into the labyrinth of my own thoughts--a hard place to find an exit to. I like to think about life--especially when all the things in it are so wonderful. But when they should be and they just aren't, well I can't really say thinking is my favorite pastime. Right now I guess the best thing to have in my thought bubble is a big, huge question mark. Which is ok for now. But I think that question mark has hovered there longer than I would have liked and now I'm just plain annoyed with it.

I think its me. I think too much about me but don't spend enough time with me. Or on me. Its much easier to think about what's going on this weekend or who's doing what now rather than what I need to be doing to get ahead in the world. I have a very hard time with the future. I can imagine what I want, but I cannot picture the steps I need to take to get there. So I just continue with what's easy--the present and what I feel like doing now. It's a very tricky spot to be in, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Take for instance my last blog entry. I read it to my mom as I will every so often (after all she is my biggest fan:) and as usual she loved it. But there was one thing missing she said. I couldn't think about what it could be. She said, what about making someone else happy? Does that hold a place in your soul? I was ashamed. How could I forget that? I told her of course, I should add that. I should put that making others happy is one of the things that fills me. Its not just about me being happy. But I had to think, am I really that selfish? How did I forget seeing my friend laugh, or two people hug? How could I forget seeing the joy in a mother's eyes as she sees her child for the first time in a long time or the sight of all your friends laughing together? How could I forget that seeing my friends or family excited is one of the things that gets me most excited? How would that not fill me? Well, in all honesty it does. Completely and utterly these things fill me. Their happiness fuels mine and I'm sure it's vice versa. I love being around those I love and if anyone knows me they know that I have trouble NOT being around those people. They sometimes have to tell me to go home and have quiet time because they are sick of me! Not really, but maybe they think that :)

In truth I know that there is nothing in this world more important than relationships. We need each other and I think I almost get lost in that world. I know I do. I just want to fill and be filled with the people around me. But I must remember that even if I want to play with my friends all day I do need to think about me and what is going to help me in the future. Even if it means I can't play with my friends right that minute, maybe this step will help me to play with them even more later!

This post is all over the place, which wasn't my intention but always seems to be the outcome. I have no idea where I even started with this. I will take this time to say I'm going to get out of the tangles of my ratty thoughts and go find a nice place to read about other people's ratty thoughts!

I am filled by those around me. My soul will never be more full than when I am with the people I love.

Feeding My Soul

Lately I have been doing everything under the sun (and yes I do mean under the sun--its been a hot summer) besides doing one of the true things that feeds my soul--writing. Not only have I abandened my dear blog, but I have left my journal collecting dust. Even my books creak when I open them. I have spent too much time feeding my stomach and trying to fill my heart and in the mean time I let my soul starve. Here's the thing about starving your soul--if you let it starve for too long you may no longer have one at all. It takes a long time for a soul to truly whither away, though. Like I'm talking about years of solitute. Luckily I have just been ignoring it for a handful of months now. But I can feel its hunger. I can almost hear the thirsty moans. My guilt grows slowly inside of me each day I let pass without giving so much of a scrape of creative inspiration to my poor soul. Well starve no longer, soul, it's time for you to feast! I have a long weekend ahead of me where I plan to do little more than read and write and spend quality time with my family. Nothing feeds the soul better than that!

So when someone says, your soul is hungry, what do you feed it? Do you know the answer? I now know mine:
I feed it a good, real, deep conversation--something that gets to the root of someone. I feed it a rich dose of writing, the kind that digs at you, challenges you, and makes you feel accomplished when you're finally finished. I feed it the outdoors--nature at its purest. Sunny skies, quiet serenity. I feed it a real, I love you so much kind of hug. I feed it diving into someone's eyes, getting lost within them. I feed it deep down belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and leaves you feeling full. I feed it exploration, finding something that moves the core of you. I feed it heart pounding love. I feed it the wind wipping through my hair, sun on my skin, running through a field kind of breathlessness. I feed it the smell of fresh soil, the sight of flowers poking their way through. I feed it the waft of a burger on the grill on a comfortable summer night, the company of loved ones all around. I feed it music that makes it dance and sway, cradling it gently in its comfortable melodies. I feed it capturing a perfect moment and harnessing that feeling to bring out when it is heavy. I feed it a good, real and truly touching book. Something that can never leave your mind. Something that shapes your thought. I feed it the touch of someone's hand, the smile from someone you know loves you so much it is bursting within them. I feed it water. Lots and lots of water. Water to drink and and replenish, water to dive in and refresh, water to fall down and revive. I feed it something bigger than me, than all of us, I feed it the confidence to know that it is safe within those hands. I feed it life, for there is nothing greater to feed the soul, nothing greater to know how truly nourished a soul can be within the beauty of my body, within the beauty of this earth.

The Challenge

The Challenge: Paleo Diet (aka caveman diet)

Do NOT consume these things:

Wheat of any kind (Bread, pasta, cereal, crackers...)

Dairy

Sugar

Alcohol

Period of time: 26 days

Challenge status: 11 days in

15 days left

Number of times cheated at current challenge time: 4 (one bite of cheese cake, one bite of cheese, half and half in coffee, sugar in coffee)

Energy levels: High

Weight number: Going down, pants fitting better, looking more toned

Will power: Moderately Strong

Challenge difficulty: Extremely difficult.

Percentage thought and talked about in daily life: 85%

Friends who are sick of hearing about how everything I can't eat sounds so good: 100%

Coupled with 3-4 days of CrossFit workout/ other type of cardio

Desired goal: 6 lbs lost, 3 inches around waist, newly discovered sense of self worth and will power!

Helpful hints: Friends doing it with you is HUGE. Taking it one day at a time. Knowing you can be the MASTA OF YOUR OWN DESTINYYYYY!!

Obviously this was not my idea of a good time nor was I really excited to do it. Yet the way I feel and the changes I can see make me want to keep this up for the whole month if not longer. I feel like this is a good lifestyle change--I can cook more, eat more diverse and healthy foods and just feel better ALL of the time. It's amazing how much more energetic I feel for longer periods of time and how I have no stomach aches ever! Opposed to the two to three I got daily before. Obviously I can't continue to be this strict with this forever, but I do think that it can be implemented in every day life much more easily than I originally predicted. I've never dieted before or kept myself from eating anything ever, but for the first time I finally feel like I have a handle on my eating and I'm in control of what goes in my mouth. Temporary satisfaction is just that--temporary and it does nothing for you in the long run. I've realized that with all of the food I turned down, once the initial sadness of not being able to eat it ended (after about 12 seconds), I didn't really care and I never gave another thought to it. And it worked out for me in the long run! It always sounds good and it's always one of those things "I should try someday", but actually doing it is not only a good feeling physically, it's a great feeling mentally. I even feel more at peace emotionally. Not to say its always been as smooth sailing as it sounds now. In fact, the first 5-7 days were almost torture to me and without having really realized it--I definitely went through a pretty big de-tox stage. I was really, really hungry, I was grumpy, I was easily upset, I was craving everything I couldn't have at all moments of the day, I was ridding myself of the toxins my body had built up and I had no idea. Now I am at the point where I've realized I haven't felt this good in a long time (minus the sickness I seemed to get along with beginning this) and surprisingly I continue to feel peaceful and and purified.

So there is my revelation. It's pretty straight forward and seems pretty simple as well as obvious that all these things would occur when not eating shitty foods but it's one of those things that I just had to try to truly believe. Go figure.

Eating well to live well. It actually works :)

Will you take the challenge? Go ahead, I dare you.

Remix!

Bike riding season has begun again. And not just bike riding season. Baseball season is in two days, the flowers are starting to bloom, I see green grass sprouting up, I see more people out, the patios filling up on the sunny days and talk about outdoor plans had increased ten fold. Although it's not even April yet I can't help but join the spring fever that has slowly started to creep over Denver. I have a few more days of skiing in me, though so I am one foot in winter and one foot in spring as I reach towards summer. I can't be reaching too far, for I don't want to hurt myself when I get snowed on again. Colorado does do that on occasion that I must keep in mind.

With the new season brings up new goals and new inspiration for things that were long forgotten over the winter...like cleaning. I really have a lot to do. Somehow things get way too dusty way too fast. Dust usually doesn't bother me until it is piling up in corners, forming mini army of dust balls against me. Then I get a little grossed out. Besides battling dust balls, spring break is a good time for me to reorganize and revamp. I need to get geared up for job searching as well as the dreaded swim suit shopping. Hopefully with my 20 day no carbs, dairy (no cheese!), sugar or alcohol I can get a jump start on that as well as get a mental grip on food intake and health in general. Spring break is also a good time for me to relax and rejuvenate. and REmix my sound track to life. All these "re's" you would think I would really need a re-start! So here's to getting shit done, living it up and enjoying the season of rebirth!!

Limitless Potential

My heart fills with overwhelming sadness when I watch videos about the tsunami in Japan. It breaks when I read about the nuclear power plant. Natural disasters are always awful and heartwrenching, yet I have not been affected by one like I am with this one. Maybe because I know that as a whole Japan is so conscious of their environment. Maybe because I know as a whole Japan is kind to their neighbor. Maybe because I know that Japan does not deserve this. Maybe because I know that it is going to be one of the worst tragedies that country has experienced in years. I want to help--I know we are going to try, but I wish that my efforts could make a big enough difference. I want to take away the sadness in the hearts of the millions who have lost loved ones, I want to rewind and delete the whole disaster. But if we could do that we would have used that for about everything like this. If we could do that no one would experience pain, heartbreak or sorrow. If we could do that no one would ever grow into a better person, no one would ever have the need to build character because they would continually be rewinding something bad to make it better. We would not develop as a race or as emotional beings. I have no idea who we would become but I suspect it would not be pretty or virtuous. I would be very afraid to meet that race that does not experience pain for they would be something of a monster to us I'm sure.

Think of yourself as person and the struggles that you would have done anything to take back at the time. The pain that you felt wasn't worth it then--you would trade it for anything. But look at yourself now. Look at how far you have come, what you did to take that pain and deal with it, turn it into something positive and become a better person because of it in the long run. The process may have been long, it may still be happening but many times our blessings are disguised at the time and become something more than we ever thought they could.

I like life because of that. I also hate life because of that. Doing something that I don't want to do has always been really hard for me. Forcing myself to do something I don't really want to do NOW is even harder for some reason. I think its because I know what I want and I'm not getting it so the thought of a detour is making me cringe. But I like to believe it builds character. If not let me be ignorant to it, for I will live in that state peacefully.

Not to say that natural disasters are really the same as emotional disasters but I do think there are various levels of human strength that are put to the test in both scenarios. To me, it is absolutely incredible what the human mind and body are capable of. Whether it be bad or good, it cannot be argued that humans are indeed incredible. Many of us cannot believe stories of individuals overcoming incredible struggles, hardships, tragedies and pain but if we were in the same position would we have no choice but to do the same? The main goal most likely is to live life and many will go through the unimaginable to do it.

I sit in awe as I watch he struggles of this world--just in disbelief that people can continue on after what has happened to them. How do they not just lay down and give up? Of course that is the easy way out. The coward's road and too many people have come too far to become chopped liver, no matter what is happening to them at the moment. As someone random once said, "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Live above expectations even if they are your own, for there is no telling what you are capable of until do what you never thought was possible. Push yourself into the zone where "can't" is a foreign word, where you can look back with pride and say, "wow, I did that".

Not intentionally getting all philosophical here, but I have recently begun to realize that there are so many things we can do and so many times where we stop ourselves short of our own potential. I am a perfect example of that and it would be tragic to think that I might have lived a half life if I did not begin to realize this now. Our potential is limitless. Except if we try to fly--that is physically impossible and will end in severe injury or death. Unless you are a professional hang glider. Even still, death is a large possibility.

I know that people can survive hell and I hope that they can do more than just survive, but right now, with all that is going on in the world a small hope of survival can bring light to the dark and eventually become a larger path for hope and eventually taking in the true beauty that is life.

From steps behind to steps ahead

Sometimes reading through my old posts will inspire me to write a new post. A lot of the time I hope that it will make up for the terrible writings of my past. Usually it doesn't but at least you can't say I didn't at least TRY.

So I went back through some old college posts as well a some Japan posts and what is the craziest thing is how much I was so focused on what was happening right then at the minute. And how now, I barely even remember certain things that seemed like such a big deal at the time. Yet here I am again so focused on life that is my own little world that when I look back I will just laugh because I can't even remember that bad class I had one day or how so and so said this and that. Such is life I suppose.

I had a post a few years ago. Right about the halfway mark in Japan. I was gearing up to go on break to see my family in Thailand and I made a little question/answer thing for myself. What I have decided to do is take those questions and answer them now to see if anything has changed. Then, I did it around the new year. Now, I am just going to focus on from last Jan. to this Jan.--a year's span. Ok? Is that ok with everyone?! I hope so, cause I'm gonna do what I want. Nothing new there, though.

1. What is the most exciting thing you did this year?

Any one of my adventures. I think hiking up the volcano crater in St. Kitts was pretty exciting, or anyone of my scuba diving trips.

2. Look back one year ago. What were you doing this week in 2010?

Once again, good question. I think I was doing around the same thing I am now. I really wasn't subbing as much so most likely swimming and getting excited about the 80s ski party that was around this time...

3. What are three important realizations you have come to in the past year?

1. Life is full of surprises

2. I am an independent person, yet I cannot survive without others around me

3. I can be so much more if I really put my mind to it

What is something you have struggled with this past year?

This answer doesn't necessarily differ that much from the one I wrote in 2008. I want to find out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Turning 25 this year made me realize that although I am somewhat close to my career, I am so far away from actually living within myself comfortably. I am strong and confident, yet there are lots of times I falter in what I should be doing with my life and how I should going about doing it. I have also begun to realize that I am not too young to start thinking about my future personally--who I am now vs. who I want to be in five or ten years. Scary as it is people around me are beginning the new stages of life; more and more people are getting married and thinking about how they are going to one day support a family. I can't say that these thoughts haven't crossed my mind and although they are no where in the near future, I can't help but wonder how things will eventually turn out. Let's hope I can not live in a shack by the river.

What are three things you regret from 2010?

1. Decisions while imbibing certain beverages

2. Not being strong enough when it comes to certain things...

3. Not doing enough for others

What are you proud of from 2010?

1. Moving into my own apartment

2. Setting goals that I actually achieved (moving, working more, deserving a vacation, trying new things...)

3. Feeling a sense of self worth (joining i have. i give, helping with CrossFit, feeling good about who I am)

What is your major resolution for this year?

Get a real job, apply to grad school!! (in 2008 I said do more, be more which could essentially be a goal for my whole life. I figured I've gotten a start on that but I need to start taking bigger steps than I have been)

So there it is, the same survey a few years later. It is interesting to see how I have grown within myself and where I still struggle with things. As I look back I am mostly happy with things I have done and as I look ahead I am excited for what it is to come. Sometimes it is a little scary to go into the future so blindly, but there is no other way to do it. Trusting yourself and taking the leap is the first step in welcoming the unknown with open arms!

CHEESE

Lately I feel as though my writing has been as crazy as a barn full of angry bees. Or something like that. My brain has been to outer space and back only to shoot back up there again. So I thought I would give myself a more structured assignment, but after a minute of thinking I realized I can't think about a topic. UNTIL...

I remembered my friend texted me this morning and told me it was National Cheese Day! Well not only did that excite me but it also made me frustrated because no one has been talking about it at all! I bet people in Wisconsin knew. But no one here was even looking forward to it. Either way I was very happy that without even knowing it I did these things:

Ate a bite of a piece of cheese as the first thing I ate this morning

Put extra cheese on my sandwich

Had one of those Ritz spreadable cheese snacks around ten when I was starving

I always knew I had a strong bond with cheese but this is something more than that. This is like a cosmic sign telling me that cheese and I are one. That I could not live without it. There is one type of cheese I do not like and I honestly feel bad about it (Swiss). I wish I liked it but I just don't.

I wish I had a story of my first love with cheese but it was surely before I even remember. I do remember thinking a hunk of butter was cheese and cutting off a huge piece and sticking it in my mouth only to quickly realize that it wasn't cheese. Too embarrassed to admit what I had just done I slowly swallowed the butter and bowed my head in shame. Or something dramatic like that. Cheese is my blame for not having a skinny butt. Cheese is my blame for the thousands of stomach aches I have endured over my lifetime. Cheese is even to blame for my lovely barf during CrossFit last week (don't worry it was in the toilet). Cheese is the reason for my newly found grocery store excitement. Now that King Soopers has cheese samples I am always excited to go for a little shopping trip.

Simply put, cheese makes me happy. So happy cheese day to all you cheesy cheese lovers out there. It is surely a great day in our nation's history.

Mmmm. Cheese.

Rolling Wheels

As my last post stated I'm not going to sit around and wait for things to happen, I'm going to take things into my own hands! I have decided along with the mundane life of subbing I needed to add a little purpose to my life. Subbing is not exactly my dream job--just trying to get connections so I can achieve my actual dream job. I am loving the laid back style of it because when I'm outta there I'm done. I don't have any work to do, but that leaves me with a little more time on my hands than I really knew what to do with. Until recently I have filled it mostly with working out and friends. Now I feel like I am filling it with something a little more that relates to what I want to really do in life--make a difference.

So first things first: i have. i give.

We are a non profit organization that is simply what is sounds like. You give what you have. If you have time you can give that, if you have hair give that, if you have blood, well gosh darn it--go and give it away! We have collected donations for various groups/organizations, put on events and gone to volunteer. Although this is not necessarily my ultimate DREAM it is a huge part of who I want to become. I want the world to grow not only for me but for people around me. I want to meet people who are giving what they have, I want to inspire others who want to do it but don't exactly know how to go about doing it. I want to be part of something bigger. Life gets busy and it is easy to get caught up in what you feel you have to do. But I have realized that it means so much more and you feel so much more full filled if you give to others. It's a new thing for me--a learning process because although I haven't been greedy with my things or my lifestyle I haven't necessarily been GIVING. So here we go the start of something that will hopefully be a huge movement someday :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-have-I-give/103863413009307
http://ihaveigive.blogspot.com/
Next thing: CrossFit Conquer

CrossFit is something different than I have ever done. I've swam my whole life, I've played (or tried to play) just about every sport out there, I've lifted, I've biked and ran and trained for a triathlon. I've skied and snowboarded, I've snowshoed and surfed and out of all of these things nothing has made me as out of breath as the 15 minutes I'm working out at CrossFit. Literally--the workouts are between six and twenty minutes but they are at such a high intensity you will find you are more tired after six minutes of a CrossFit workout than thirty on a treadmill. Recently I have gotten into this after a friend told me to try it out. I love the fact that there is a small number of people doing the same workout as me, I love that there is always a coach right there to push you when you need it. So I jumped on the CrossFit train and hopefully it will be something I see benefits from--physically and mentally. I have started to rep it to others because somehow I am now the marketing/event planner for the one near my house. Although daunting I am ready to take on this responsibility and make it so this CrossFit Conquer can grow and eventually become bigger than it even is now. This way I am able to get a workout as well as help the people who started this make it into what they envision. Again--giving what I have (time and maybe a little bit of social skills?) http://www.crossfitconquer.com/crossfit-conquer/

My true love: Writing

Now, this may seem obvious since I already have a blog. My blog is not really my passion. I mean, yes writing is my passion but this is just a soundboard for something more. Now this isn't really a new obsession and it has been put on the backboard for a long time, but I am thinking seriously about getting into some sort of writing job where I can write articles for whoever will take me. Since I have yet to really look into that, that is something that is beginning to come front and center in my brain. But my true dream is to write a book. My first idea is a book about me. I've had my doubts about this because my life isn't really the crazy jumping into the ocean off 500 foot rocks and swimming to Africa type of life--but I have had encouragement from those around me that I could write something worth reading. My strength? Humor. Well, hopefully. I could write a book about myself and make it lighthearted and funny. For the most part. There are surely things in my life that although not funny at the time, are undoubtedly hilarious now. We will have to see. So far I've only begun what may be a very long process.

In the future:
Teaching English. Obviously this is what I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I can't wait to actually get the in the classroom and explore the challenges and rewards with being a high school (or even middle school) English teacher.
Coaching swimming. This I have started on a smaller scale. I have coached summer leagues and loved it more than just about an other job I've had. Someday my dream would be to start a swim team like my old coach did and take swimmers on training trips to the beach. That is my biggest dream right now--but also one that is most far away.

Other things that should be on the list:
Scrap booking--I love it, I've started one, I got distracted and stopped. I need to finish it because it is close to my heart and my year in Japan has become a big part of me that I would like to share with anyone who will listen. http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/ (a look into Japan and other travels)

Skiing--I'm making it a goal to go up at least 20 times this season. So far I'm at three so we'll see how I do. I would really love to get those turns down so I can sail down the mountain smoothly!

Swimming--Recently I haven't been in the water just because I don't belong to a gym with a pool anymore. Plus I'm kind of in the mood to take a break from it for a little bit while I focus on other things. No doubt this will be my lifelong sport though.

Biking--Last spring/summer I really got into road biking. I love to be able to explore on my bike and even more than that I love going with others who like to bike. It's nice to get out there and enjoy the day while getting a work out. What I would LOVE is to get a mountain bike and take it up to the foothills this summer. THAT would be something I would really love to try out. It's unrealistic because I don't have the money for a bike like that but a girl can dream, right?

Traveling: This is something I know I will love the rest of my life. Whether it be to the mountains or across the world, traveling is something that sets me free. I have been so fortunate to go visit friends in Boston, New York, Oregon, Connecticut, and St. Kitts as well as experience the beauty of Florida, North Carolina, San Diego, Hawaii, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Belize, Canada and Australia. Even road trips to places like North Dakota have appealed to me because it is something new and exciting. I have a list of the places I want to go and the things I want to do and although it is expensive if you really want something you can do it. My future plans involve teaching abroad again, this time during the summer somewhere in Europe. A lot of international schools hire for about an eight week period and this is something I would love to do. And way down the line, maybe in five years, I want to go to Africa for part of the summer. I want to spend a good amount of time over there doing what I can to help out. I know this is an expensive and far off goal, but I know that if I put it in my head I will be able to achieve it someday.

Closer goals involve:
Fight for Air http://www.lungusa.org/pledge-events/co/denver-climb/
Running a 5k
Training for a triathlon
Planning for a big event with i have. i give. at the end of the SUMMA!
Definitely go white water rafting at some point this summer

PLUS...
Writing more
Hanging out with my brother (even if he doesn't want to hang out with me)
Sending more mail to those who live oh so far
Exploring my area more
Working as much as possible
Applying for jobs (that should be number one on the list)
Calling my grandma more
Seeing people I don't see that much more
Keeping in touch with people far away
Cooking more
Planning a theme party or two :)

Whew! I have A LOT to do now that I look at it. Sheesh. I better get started on something. We'll take one step at a time and I will go update my resume right now and re-submit it to the school district that needs it. Then I can get going on just about everything I just listed.

Time to get those wheels rolling!

Blog Barf

Every one to three minutes a new song pops into my head. Here has been the last ten minutes:

1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)

So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:

1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.

So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.

So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.

The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.

It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.

Try again.

OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply

I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.

That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.

I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.

So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.

PERIOD.

Can you Belize it?

Short of Breath

I think there should be a condition for the feeling you get at the end of a really great vacation. Like post-vacation depression. It should be a medical condition in which the only cure is more vacation! I guess the problem would be never really be solved then, but I still think the feeling should at least be acknowledged.

Today is technically my first non vacation day although I didn't get any sub calls because people don't want a sub on the first day back. So I guess I'm still on vacation! Yet this vacation seems worlds away from the one I was only just two short weeks ago.

I have ventured to the Caribbean and Central America and back to the Rocky Mountains since then and like all wonderful vacations I never wanted it to end. The weather, the people, the food and the ocean are all things I could get used to down there--it was truly beautiful in so many ways. I tried and figure out what I did to deserve 16 days in paradise as I sat on the beach one day listening to the distant motor of a boat and the palm trees that flapped together sounding like bird's wings. The beauty overwhelmed me and in certain moments of life it can actually take your breath away. I know it's happened to me several times just on this trip.

My first short of break experience was when we hiked to the top of a volcano rim where you felt as though you could taste the view it was so abundantly luscious. We sat in the clouds that day listening to our voices bounce off the tree tops and eventually fade away into the memory of the earth. Later we ran back down the mountain splashing up the rich Caribbean mud created from the rain that began to fall right as we made our way back. This time it was our laughter that echoed through the trees. My breath was taken away once again when I swam through a school of bright yellow-tailed snappers and down into a ship resting at its grave. Soon after I watched as two of my friends beamed through their regulators after they agreed to get married thirty feet underwater, proving that true love can happen anywhere even without words filling the air. My breath was taken away once again by the sheer awesomeness of the sky and the many different roles it can play. Sunsets and sunrises never failed to amaze me as I would watch the sky blushing from a light pink to a deep magenta. Clouds rolled in and out harnessing the colors to create even more of a spectacle. At night the starts were so plentiful and so bright I felt as though this must be some kind of far off dream--for nothing is this deeply pure in real life. From the glowing rich colors of the fish and coral to the blazing sky to the warm ocean breeze to the hot sun on my body to the ancient ruins of a mysterious culture, to the the rich, tropical jungle, to the smiles of the people I love around me, my appreciation for life and its beauty never stopped growing. It is hard now to believe that I was thinking all this as I sat on the beach as I type in my sweatshirt while there is snow resting on my doorstep right outside. It is also hard to believe that I didn't need some sort of figurative CPR for all the times my breath was taken away!

Some moments you just want to bottle up and keep for a day where nothing seems to be going your way. Some moments you wish you could replay like a video and watch. Some moments you just want to keep that feeling forever. Yet you cannot live in a moment forever, for it is one of times cruelties. The next best thing is keeping that moment's memory alive and a part of you. Sharing the passion you felt, projecting your happiness and just realizing that life itself is just one of these moments on top of another. And a realization like that just might take your breath away :)